Going For the One

I was lucky enough recently to spend a few days with this really cool couple that I know. These two special friends a woman in her sixties and her 76-year old husband live in a cottage in the remote countryside. For forty years, they have lived, slept, travelled and stayed at home together. They ve shared children, passion, intellectual conversation, excitement, joy, sorrow and the washing-up and the knowledge that some day, one will close the eyes of the other.
It s a pleasure to sit in this couple s company and observe. They look at each other with love in their eyes. They slag, joke and laugh, share new knowledge (they ve never stopped learning) and discuss their creative work. You d think their lives might be insular, but no they are busy people with a huge circle of friends and acquaintances.
When the woman talks about her man, she doesn t call him my husband or my partner , but my lover . Privately, she told me that her passion for him has never died.
How have you done it? I asked. How have you kept your love so alive?
We still listen to each other, she said simply. We make time for each other. And we both have rich, independent lives. When they hit a rough patch, they know how to work things out, how to get back to what drew them together in the first place.

Now comes the hard part discussing my own views on love and sex. I hesitated when first asked to write this article. How could I express something so personal in a magazine? I decided to do it because for me, romantic love is one of the reasons that we re born. Any chance to give it sustained thought is a gift.
I ve experienced innumerable emotions in relation to love, from elation and connection to deep isolation and despair. I ve hurt, been hurt, betrayed and been betrayed. I ve felt the intoxicating joy of falling in love and the almost unbearable pain of falling out of it. (Whether you re the dumped or the dumpee and sometimes it s not clear who is who breaking up has got to be one of the most traumatic things a person can experience. The disappointment! The melancholy! The loneliness!)
The one thing that I haven t done is to hold out for ages for someone who doesn t want me. I m a pragmatic romantic, and see no point in waiting round for what I know I won t get. That would just wreck my head.
In the last issue Olaf Tyaransen wrote honestly about his desire to find the One , and the dilemma of not knowing when he s actually found her. Like Olaf (and probably most people in the world), I too desire to have the One in my life. For me, sleeping around has no appeal. Sweet Jesus! Imagine tarting yourself up at the age of 65 your libido still as strong as ever, one hopes and trawling around nightclubs trying to pick someone up! Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
As I see it, sexuality is infused with a creative life-force too vast to be grasped by the human mind. It flows through us like a tide. I believe that sexuality connects mystically to our deepest selves. How could a total stranger understand something that s still a mystery to me?
So one-night stands are out the door. I don t judge anyone who s into them, but I know they re not for me. To me no sex is better than bad sex, though they re tough going, those cravings for intimacy and affection (for which I am a total junky). If, instead of celibacy, that search for the One becomes your overriding raison d jtre, then you risk becoming desperate, and there s no bigger turn-off. Being desperate and intense drives potential lovers away in droves.
Fate seems to offer things sideways. Forcing them doesn t work. Instead of desperately trying to fill the gap when I m single, I ve found it better to sit tight, hang out with my friends, and turn my love and affection towards myself. If you ve had a bad run of non-starters, or been hurt in similar ways by similar people, or been disappointed by a string of not the Ones , then it s often a good idea to sit back and ask why. Like attracts like, and if you re attracting people who don t seem to appreciate you, maybe you re not really appreciating yourself. I believe that the corollary is also true that learning self-love brings you closer to the One .

But how do you know when you ve found the One ? A particularly psychic friend told me that the first time she and her lover were alone, they saw mysterious silver lights flashing round the room. Pretty damn cool, doncha think?
I believe in love at first sight. This might raise the hackles of any cynics out there, who probably doubt the existence of the One in the first place. The way I reckon, though, is that if you believe that there s one special person, you ll find someone who believes the same. If you don t, then you won t.
I think what happens in love at first sight is that when two people first see each other, their intuitive minds and bodies instantly recognise a kindred spirit. What is love at first sight, asks Anne Michaels in her beautiful novel, Fugitive Pieces, but the response of a soul crying out with sudden regret because it realises it has never before been recognised? The intuitive body-mind knows that it has fallen in love, but it takes years and hopefully a lifetime for the intellectual mind to catch up.
Falling in love is one of life s greatest mysteries. In my experience, it works on a chemical and auric level as well as emotionally, spiritually, physically and intellectually. The first time I held the person that I love, I felt a distinct flow of energy as real as an electrical current pass between my heart and his. My body and soul burst into celebration, like they d been waiting for this moment since time immemorial. The emotional release was amazing. As our auras blended into one another, we seemed to enter a supernatural world. It occurred to me that I d met this person hundreds of years ago in another life. I had forgotten that he existed. When I held him I realised how much I had missed him. I was so happy to have found him again after all that time.
For me, sexual chemistry is a big part of knowing when you ve found the One . Sexual chemistry is different to lust, I think, in that it involves the mind and the spirit as well as the body (though it s actually false to separate these aspects of the self). I find that sexual compatibility writes itself in all the senses I want to look, hear and touch my lover but especially in taste and smell. If you can t get enough of your lover s taste and smell if they calm you, excite you, intoxicate you, comfort you, transport you then I believe that you re on track. The first kiss from the One seems to answer your deepest questions. There is a secret code written in their saliva which you can understand.
I love being a woman. I want to be courted, wooed, receive flowers, be told I m beautiful, have doors opened for me and generally treated like a goddess. I want romance, adventure, sensuality and mental stimulation. Not too much to ask for, girls, eh? And of course I want to give the same back in return.

So you think you ve found the One. Where does it go from here? The first flush of love is an exalted state. People literally glow, bursting with health and positivity. They re in the company of the gods. Their world has transformed itself. Wonderful to behold if you feel the same way, but a pain in the ass if you ve just split up from yet another not the One !
Falling in love is actually quite traumatic. At the bottom of love s treasure trove lies one gnawing little worry the risk of loss of the beloved.
People go a bit mad when they fall in love. One day they re on an absolute high, next day they re riddled with worries and paranoias. Insecurities that might have lain buried for years suddenly rush up to the surface. Apart from the sexual insecurities often rife till you start tuning into each other s energies and learn through practice what you both want there s the emotional ones. Is it safe to let down your personality mask with this person? What if their admiration dies when they see that you re daft, dimwitted, deranged, untidy, stressed out, emotional, or whatever other quality makes you worry about yourself? They say that they love your strength will they still want you when they see your vulnerabilities? And will seeing their vulnerabilities lessen your own feelings of love and respect?
Meeting the One is a massive transition, with enormous opportunities for self-development and growth. It s a time to resolve those inner conflicts like low self-esteem which have been lurking in your subconscious for years. Falling in love forces people to confront their emotional baggage. Because if they don t, there s the risk that the same baggage might trip up their new relationship.
This is complex stuff. That s why I think it s really important to start off on the right foot by articulating your feelings as honestly as you can (which is so scary that it s best done cuddled up safely in bed). It s one thing undressing your body, but being naked soul-to-soul is infinitely more frightening. The rewards, however, are great.
In his article, Olaf mentioned what a head-wrecker mind-games are in a relationship. Some couples seem to get off on them, but having experienced the anxiety that they cause, I know they re not for me. I m not interested in making the person that I love feel insecure or jealous, but rather happy and strong and confident about themselves. It gives me pleasure to observe them as they follow their destiny. I don t want to be rivalistic or competitive, but to be encouraging and to take joy in their achievements. I want them to feel free. True love, for me, doesn t involve fucking somebody s head up.
I d rather be in no relationship than a perpetually unhappy one. Cruel words aren t easily forgotten, and they re a sure way of bringing the honeymoon period to a speedy close.

I think that happy sex is one of the greatest gifts life can bestow. Making love regularly with the One makes you supple, fit and emotionally healthy; it even increases the longevity of your life. Beautiful love-making is the divine glue which holds relationships together.
Sex and sensuality are incredibly important. Women, we deserve ecstasy! Our bodies are made for it. We need to sexually assert ourselves, and teach our men how to please us. Where else are they going to learn it but from us?
When I was a virginal teenager, I used to feel hurt by references to sex which seemed to diminish what I instinctively felt to be sacred. Western society has a consumerist, quick-fix, hamburger culture, where even sex has been packaged and sold, materialised and commodified. For many years though its grip is lessening the regime of the Catholic church twisted and deformed our attitudes to that most holy of acts in which human beings repeat the act of creation. It s kept us ignorant of kundalini or sacred sexual energy in order to control us, cutting us off from the life-force and the source of our own power.
Both lines that sex is just a mechanical thing and that sex is evil are pieces of propaganda that used to seriously depress me. I d say that nearly everybody needs healing from the destructive manipulation and control so prevalent in our culture of sex and sexuality. Maybe the Department of Education should establish a mandatory course in Tantra, or mystical love, in the final year of school, to counteract all the negative shit that s messing up people s lives. (Two chances of that!)
It s taken me years to work out that a reverential attitude towards making love is certainly true and right for me. I am a devotee of sacred sex, which I plan to follow as a hobby for the rest of my life. Fortunately my loved One shares similar views. With him alone I practise the art of High Romance. n