CHRISTMAS: A SURVIVORS GUIDE

A is for Albums. At this time of year record companies often repackage old material, stick a stupid name on it (e.g. The Love Album) and then flog it to an unsuspecting public for £12.99 more than it’s worth. These make great presents for 2FM jocks but are otherwise a complete rip-off. Only at Christmas would you be expected to shell out forty quid for a Three Tenors box set. Think about it . . . A is for Aled Jones, the pesky little Welsh kid whose song ‘Walking In The Air’ (about the joys of a heroin high) is still being used by the Post Office to sell stamps. Have they no shame? More to the point, have they had no new advertising budget since Christmas 1979? Incidentally, Aled Jones is now in the Manic Street Preachers. Finally, A is for Alcohol. The bad news about alcohol is that if you consistently overindulge, it will destroy your liver, ruin your career and generally fuck your life up. The good news is that this process takes many years. So drink up, it’s Christmas . . .

B is for Bored and Bloated. After all the hype and build-up, Christmas Day itself usually tends to be an anticlimax. On December 25th you will be bored and bloated with nothing to do except eat, drink and watch Raiders Of The Lost Ark for the tenth consecutive year. B is for Boxing Day. On December 26th you will remain bloated but be slightly less bored (the pubs will be open). B is for Bosnia. All through Christmas the television news will be featuring human interest stories about what a tough Christmas the Bosnian children are having. Stories like “No Turkey For Bosnian Children”, “No Pressies For Bosnian Babies” and the particularly saddening “No ‘Raiders Of The Lost Ark’ For Bosnian Kids” will fuel a massive guilt complex and totally ruin your Christmas. So remember that ignorance is bliss and avoid the news at all times. Finally, B is for Batteries. Most modern toys for young children make loud and hangover-unfriendly noises which will aggravate the fuck out of you all through the big day. Fortunately these toys require batteries before they can begin to annoy you, so be sure to remember to forget to get any. If by chance batteries are included, be sure to remove them before you hand the toy over. You can’t buy batteries on Christmas Day so the child will be upset but only until Raiders Of The Lost Ark starts. And you can give them the batteries on Boxing Day (just before you go to the pub). With any luck the toy will be broken by the time you get back.

C is for Christmas Cards. These are a total and absolute waste of money and as a rule should be received and not given. Why waste all that drinking money and clog up the postal system when you can just say that the dog ate your address book? Credit cards, on the other hand, are infinitely more useful (particularly when they’re not your own). C is for Carol Singers. Carol singers go around in groups at Christmas, knocking on doors and inviting people out to hear their tuneless versions of carols that were pretty crappy to begin with. Worse, they usually expect a donation for this service. If you’ve any monkey nuts left over from Hallowe’en then go out, be patronising and throw a handful of nuts into the bucket. Otherwise don’t bother opening the door (except to let the dogs out).

D is for Decorations. It is traditional at this time of year to decorate your home with brightly coloured lights and tinsel. These will seem highly ironic and maybe even depressing when you wake up in a pool of vomit on New Year’s Day – broke, hungover and suddenly single. D is for Dogs. Many people give puppies to their children for Christmas. They shouldn’t do this. Casualty wards are jammed every year with young kids who’ve been bitten by their new pets after trying to shove a Duracell up the dog’s arse. If you are giving a dog this Christmas, be sure to advise that they run on petfood and not batteries. D is for Drinking and Driving. This is not advisable at any time of year as (a) you might spill it and (b) you might kill someone. It’s particularly not advisable around Christmas however as (a) you might kill someone and (b) you’re far more likely to be caught for it (unless you’re related to someone important).

E is for Expensive. Christmas is a very expensive time of year. With all that boozing, present buying and partygoing you’re going to need a lot of money so if you need some extra cash, then remember that E is also for Elf. Most major department stores have a limited amount of seasonal work available to people who are willing to work as elves in Santa’s Grotto. Applicants be small (under four feet), have a good sense of humour and be good with children. They must also have absolutely no self-respect. The money’s not bad, though, and you’ll always be a big hit with seven year olds. (“So tell me Elf, what’s Santy really like?”) Unfortunately, the Santa Claus post is usually reserved for the local priest. E is for Exams. If you’re still at school or university then chances are that you did exams this Christmas. Chances are you failed them as well. Not to worry, a career in Santa’s Grotto awaits. E is for Existentialism. Being the end of the year, Christmas is a time for reviewing your life to date and pondering the meaning of it all. Remember that life is an exam we all fail in the end (and have another drink).

F is for Family. Christmas, like weddings and funerals, is a family occasion. A time for everyone to get together and once again remind themselves of exactly why they’re all apart in the first place. F is for Feuding, Fighting and Fucking Each Other Out Of It. It always happens. At some point during the intense boredom of Christmas Day (probably just after Raiders Of The Lost Ark) you will start to feel intensely uncomfortable. The fire will be too hot, you’ll have eaten too much and will start to feel increasingly claustrophobic, stuck in the same room with the rest of your family. You will start to moan about something (e.g. the smell of somebody’s feet). Your brother/sister will then tell you to shut up. You will respond with “no, you shut up”. And so it will begin. Don’t worry – this is perfectly normal family behaviour and happens every year.

G is for Gripes. Common Christmas gripes include “It’s too commercialised”, “It’s getting earlier every year” and “Did you hear they’re showing Raiders of the Lost Ark again this year?” The best way to annoy Christmas gripers is to rush off in mid-conversation saying “gotta go, there’s only 371 days left till next Christmas”. Annoying them is, in fact, the only sensible approach. If you remain talking to them they’ll only start telling you about how they bought some really expensive toy for their kid last year and the kid spent the entire day playing with the box it came in.

H is for “ho, ho, ho”. Santa Claus apparently says this as he sneaks into children’s bedrooms late on Christmas Eve. Adults say it as well, just after they’ve managed to get the kids into bed early for the first time all year (under threat of “No Santa for naughty children”). Most of all, though, kids say this just after being tucked into bed because they’ve usually found their presents weeks beforehand. H is for Hot Press. HP subscriptions make ideal Christmas presents, particularly for your local priest, Garda or TD. Finally, H is for Hangover. With all the drinking you’ll be doing over the festive season, a hangover will be inevitable. It can be postponed however by prolonged drinking. When you wake up in the mid-afternoon with a pounding headache, dry mouth and transvestite Hells Angel in the bed beside you, simply force yourself to down another couple of strong drinks. If you manage not to throw up, you’ll find that your hangover vanishes rapidly (as does the rest of the day . . .)

I is for I (i.e. me, myself and I). With all this generosity and goodwill going around it’s very easy to forget that looking after Numero Uno should be your main priority. Forget all this sentimental crap about how it’s more pleasurable to give than to receive. You can save money to treat yourself with by quite simply buying nothing for anyone else this Christmas. Make up a story about being mugged on the way out of town with all your presents to explain why you’re not giving any this year. Not only will you save money but people are likely to be far more generous with you (particularly if you can manage to shed a few crocodile tears when you tell them). Also, be sure to avoid pubs so you won’t be forced to buy a round. Instead you can make loads of housecalls. Everyone has loads of (free) booze in their houses around Christmastime which they’re only too willing to share. In fact, most people won’t let you leave their homes until you’re completely and utterly rat-arsed. And the best thing of all about making housecalls is that you’re never actually in your own house when other people call to you, so you won’t have to share any of your own booze. However, do make sure that you invite loads of people to visit you (promising cocaine where applicable). They’ll just think that they missed you and never suspect that you’re stingy.

J is for Jesus Christ. Christmas Day is J.C.’s birthday but unfortunately his parties aren’t much fun. And in case you were missing school on the day your class did Jesus Christ, then you should know that he was the bloke who died a slow and horrible death on a crucifix so that you could eat turkey, get pissed and feel up your neighbour’s wife. It’s important to respect this on the 25th and you can do so with a bottle of red wine (or three). J is for Joking. God, erm, if you do really exist, then please don’t take offence at what I just said about your son. I was only joking.

K is for Kitchen Appliance. If you really want to annoy your wife/girlfriend this Christmas then give her a kitchen appliance. A toaster or kettle is usually pretty safe. Under no circumstances should you give her a carving knife (we all know what happened to John Wayne Bobbit). K is for Kinky Underwear. Most women appreciate nice underwear (once it’s not made of nylon and has a crotch) mainly because they know how difficult it must have been for you to muster up the courage to go in and buy it. You can save yourself embarrassment in the lingerie shop by going in dressed as a woman. That way you can browse for hours and nobody will suspect you of being a pervert.

L is for “Last Christmas”. This is a song by eighties pop duo Wham! and is fucking dreadful. Ever since it was recorded it has haunted the airwaves at this time of year, as well as turning up on every single Christmas compilation album. And of course it’s a karaoke favourite. The result of all this overexposure is that you’ll find yourself humming it right up till mid-July (by which time it’s nearly Christmas again). In fact, you’ll hear this song almost as often as you’ll see Raiders Of The Lost Ark this Christmas.

M is for Mistletoe. It is traditional for people to peck each other on the lips when they are standing under mistletoe. M is for Modernisation. I suggest that we, the Jung people of Ireland, modernise this rather unadventurous tradition and opt instead to perform oral sex on each other whilst standing under the plant (or perhaps we should try it lying down). I also suggest that it becomes a year-round tradition instead of being confined just to Crimbo. M is for Mouthfull.

N is for New Year’s Eve, a night of short resolutions and the prelude to the Irish nation’s first collective hangover of 1995. You will always regret going to New Year’s Eve parties and yet you will always go. Why? Well, because anything’s better than staying home and having to watch Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom on telly again. N is for Neighbours. Neighbours are a fucking nuisance at the best of times but particularly so at Christmas. If you’re throwing a party they’ll expect to be invited. Worse again, if they’re throwing one they’ll expect you to come. N is for Nightclubs. If you want to avoid parties on New Year’s Eve than you can always go to a nightclub. It is traditional for nightclubs to exude a sense of Christmas goodwill on New Year’s Eve to thank their patrons for their custom over the year. They do this by charging £10 at the door, distributing cheap Christmas hats and balloons amongst people who gave all that up when they turned twelve and giving out free glasses of “champagne” (i.e. bubbly cider so vile that even Oliver Reed would turn up his nose at it) to the first hundred or so people in the door (i.e. the bouncers and bar staff). Most generous of all, they let in loads and loads and loads of people with no regard for all the extra work that they’re making for themselves. Don’t you just love ’em?

O is for Office Party. Don’t go if you value your job. Despite your best intentions you will wind up getting uncontrollably drunk, fucking someone you detest (or worse still who detests you) and puking in the filing cabinet. Worst of all, you may even admit that you were telling a porky when you took that week off to attend your baby brother’s funeral and were in fact on holidays in Tenerife. And if you don’t drink, then you definitely shouldn’t go. Somebody else will get pissed and start to tell you what they really think of you. This will usually be quite negative. Everyone else will then join in because they envy your sobriety. And then, just as you begin to break down, the call will come telling you that your baby brother’s just been in a terrible accident. O is for Old People. If there are any elderly people living alone near you then be sure not to visit them this Christmas. They will bore you shitless, have no booze in the house and attempt to swing an invitation over to your place for Christmas dinner. Worst case scenario, they will have some mistletoe attached to the crucifix over the door.

P is for Peace. Peace would be the greatest Christmas present of all for the people of troubled Northern Ireland and I sincerely hope that they get it. But seeing as I live in the Republic, I’ll be asking Santa for a leather jacket. P is for Priests. The bad news is that if you’re the son or daughter of a member of the clergy, then chances are Santa Claus won’t be coming this year. Or any other.

Q is for Questions. Young children who still believe in Santa Claus often plague their parents with questions about him all through the run-up to Christmas. Common questions include “If he has a drink in everyone’s house then how come his liver hasn’t collapsed?”, “What happens when he flies over the Equator?”, “Do you think he got my letter (i.e. manuscript)?”, “We don’t have a chimney, so how’s he going to get in?” and “If Santa’s bringing me a Scalextrix set how come you’ve got one stuffed up in the top of your wardrobe?” Answering these questions is a good way for parents to hone their evasive skills, which should come in handy in a few years time when the children start asking about sex.

R is for Resolutions and Revolutions. You make your resolutions in those drunkenly optimistic moments just before midnight on New Year’s Eve. Shortly after midnight and a few drinks later, the room will begin to spin at the rate of 120 revolutions per minute. In lurid slow motion you will throw up over everything and everyone within spattering distance. Then you will break out in a cold sweat and fall unconscious. When you wake up (see D) you will have forgotten what your resolutions were. This is actually quite a good thing (although it won’t seem that way at the time) as by forgetting them, you’ve saved yourself a guilt trip when you break them. R is for Rudolph, a red-nosed lickarse. Basically the reindeer equivalent of a Tánaiste. R is for R.T.E. and Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Self explanatory.

S is for Santa Claus. Santa is a fat, bearded man who wears a red costume and one day a year delivers presents to every child in the world. Sounds all nice and innocent doesn’t it? But let’s look a little closer at this guy. Santa is an anagram of Satan. Santy (as he’s also known) is an anagram of Nasty. And red is the colour of blood. Just as well then that he doesn’t exist. S is for Shameless Plug. Buy the Far Canals superb debut album If You See K this Christmas or be a dweeb forever. S is for Sorry. Sorry about that Niall. S is for Sex and Stockings. If you’re having sex with a stranger this Christmas be sure to wear a stocking. Also be sure to wash it out before hanging it at the end of your bed on Christmas Eve. S is for Sales. The sales are when the net value of your Christmas goodies is suddenly slashed by 90%. S is for the true Spirit of Christmas which some people constantly complain is lacking in modern society. They obviously don’t realise that the true spirit of Christmas is only to be found in a freezing cold log cabin in Lappland, where the presents are all crappy little hand-carved things and the only available booze is the stuff the Budweiser film crew left behind after filming their Christmas advert.

T is for Turkey. Turkeys are the traditional Christmas fare, both on the dinner table and on the television. Unfortunately, while the edible turkey (soup/sandwiches/pie) may last till early January, you’ll be watching the televised turkeys all year round. T is for Tinsel. A handy tip for budding young modernist artists would be to collect all the tinsel that your family, friends and neighbours would otherwise be throwing out early in the New Year and when you have enough, manufacture a metropolitan skyline out of it. Call it “Tinseltown” and leave it to the critics to praise it as a wonderfully crafted attack on Hollywood. T is for Turner Award. If you should happen to win it (and you probably will) then I want half the money. T is for Tripping i.e. on LSD. Christmas is a trippers delight, with all those decorations, lights and elves in department stores to giggle at. However, you can also be in danger of sensory overload if you trip in the wrong place (e.g. Dunnes Stores on Christmas Eve) and remember that men in white coats will be difficult to spot if it’s snowing (or if you’re in Dunnes Stores for that matter!).

U is for Useless. Most of the presents you will receive this Christmas will be absolutely fucking useless. Try and get receipts if you can e.g. if someone gives you a horrible sweater (and someone probably will), tell them that you love it but it’s a little too big/small and you’d like to exchange it for a different size. If you get the receipt then you may be able to get the cash value back or at least swop it for something else. Alternatively, keep the offending item till next Christmas and then give it to someone else as a present and let them worry about it.

V is for Vegetarians. At Christmas, vegetarians should be seen (to the door) and not heard. If you have a veggie at the dinner table then he/she will spend the entire meal pulling faces as you all tuck into your turkey and ham and boring you all with the recipe for nut roast. Offering them a wishbone to pull is the ultimate insult, so offer one! V is for Value Added Tax or VAT. Remember that 21% of everything you throw up this Christmas belongs to the government.

W is for Wrapping Paper. This costs a fortune, particularly when you consider that all anyone ever does with it is rip it off the present within, and throw it on the floor. Wrap your presents in newspaper instead. The Irish Indo is particularly good for this. Just like your presents there’ll be nothing good inside. W is for Wanker. If you still believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy then this makes you a wanker and you should really have a think about moving out of home. W is for Washed Out and Wasted, which is how you’ll be after Christmas.

X is for X-mas. This is what atheists call Christmas because they don’t believe in the “Christ” part of it. They generally still believe in the eating, drinking and present-swopping, though. Hypocrites!! X is for Xerox machine i.e. photocopier. This will come in handy during the office party (see O) for photocopying various body parts and then faxing them to business rivals.

Y is for Yuletide, another word for Christmas. Here’s hoping that yule have a good one. Y is for Yesteryear. Old people will continually harp on about the Christmases of yesteryear as if to say that we’re doing it all wrong. Drop a tab in their drink. They can spend the holiday season flashing back and you can have them put in a home in January.

Z is for Zig and Zag. Come back please – this Dustin character is doing all our heads in. Z is for Zimmerman. Frank Zimmerman was the Best Boy in Raiders Of The Lost Ark but got promoted to Fagger for Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom. Regular RTE viewers know these things. Unfortunately.