CHECK POINT CHARLIES

WELL, IT'S obvious, isn't it? The authorities helping the IRA out with their target practice, that is. Doubtless part funded by bodies with a vested interest in at least partially recreating an olde worlde war-time atmosphere. If the message to the IRA is Coo-ee! Over here!, what, then, I wonder is the message to the British public?
If anything, a few handfuls of police and 18 streets blocked off with out-size Lego blocks serves only to put one in mind of the threat of violence whilst lacking the thoroughness to create a sense of security as such. Nothing short of full barrier checks on every single person to enter the city is going to deter someone with the serious conviction that yet another act of random mutilation constitutes a really good idea from carrying out their aims.
Call me flippant, but I am strangely put in mind of the old Ealing comedy "Passport To Pimlico" in which the residents of said area declare themselves an independent state. Can passports to the city be far off?
A ludicrously paranoid person could suspect the authorities of trying to gradually get us used to an increasingly conspicuous and grim-faced police presence. At a push, the notion that the concept of ID cards may not necessarily have slipped the Governmental imagination could even take root. It could even be viewed as a form of market research.
LOCK 'EM UP!
The obvious next step would be to introduce an armed military presence, so long as no-one kicks up too much of a stink about the measures so far. Deporting any Irish people who can't come up with a damn good excuse for living here would also make a degree of sense. It's a relief to upstanding members of the community such as myself to know that at least the Prevention of Terrorism act means anyone found to be blatantly sporting a suspicious accent can be detained for questioning at the whim of the authorities and at the drop of a balaclava. Damn right too.
Let's not pussyfoot around. If a job's to be done, best do it properly. Stick 'em in internment camps! Tatoo 'em with registration numbers, or better still, implant homing devices under their nasty Republican skins so we know where they are and what they're doing at all times. Sterilise them so they can't breed more blood-thirsty terrorists! Better safe than sorry, that's what I say.
SELL IT OFF!
The obvious solution to 'The Troubles' (an expression which makes it all sound akin to mild indigestion somehow) is this; create a unified Ireland by, I think rightfully, claiming the whole damn chunk of land as British terrain. God knows we're running out of space in this green and pleasant land. Besides, Britain's forefathers went to all that effort to stop you unruly lot from jabbering on in your native tongue, it seems such a shame to let it all go to waste.
Alternatively, how about a raffle? Any interested countries could buy a ticket to win Northern Ireland, proceeds to go to a worthy cause, say, the UN peace keeping forces, for example. It's probably worth erecting a barricade around the North, to keep the territory defined, or maybe a strategically placed series of high explosive charges could be used to physically separate it from the South? We could just push it out to sea, make it go away, couldn't we?
It could be turned into a theme park; the return of the lost continent of Atlantis. The natives could be made to dress in appropriately sci-fi garb and strange pyramids could be erected and bizarre ceremonies carried out for paying audiences.
One thing's for sure: an impenetrable barrier obviously needs to go up around the Republic, to contain the assassins, before the organisers of such a raffle could be sure of a suitably enthusiastic international response.
CORDON BENNETT
Back to reality (?), the city cordon went up with little or no objection from those it would affect or indeed anybody else. Except the Campaign Against Militarism. Not much slips past these people. Around 100 of them turned up in the early hours of Monday morning, handing out leaflets and waving banners at what they see as another erosion of human rights by the authorities.
Robert Knight of CAM said: "There's a general feeling that the measures had been slipped in on the quiet with no discussion or opposition." The demonstration, he said, was about, "the general erosion of civil liberties that this action represents. Five years ago road blocks, stop and search measures and surveillance cameras would have been associated with Eastern bloc countries. This is part of a general erosion of human rights."
How deeply those working in the City cherish their right to be unexpectedly blown up is as yet an unknown quantity, but if the intention was partially to create an ominous feeling of threat, it would not appear to have succeeded. Life is carrying on as usual in the city, although the sight of two fire engines and a police van outside a building which displayed no signs whatsoever of simply being on fire generated a few uneasy looks and a brow or two was wrinkled in passing.
It was, however, particularly refreshing to witness a Land Rover full of German tourists being stopped in their tracks and redirected down a narrow, winding side road which leads to a devilishly fashioned one-way system round which unfortunate motorists have been known to pointlessly drive until collapsing from exhaustion in the misguided belief that they will actually get somewhere eventually.
Take my advice: this is not a good time to take a van tour of the city sporting a balaclava and camouflages.