Whipping Yarns

The Hives may have demonstrated in a recent hotpress that Swedes are useless at stand-up – “Do you know why Norwegians wear their pyjamas when motorbiking? Because they lie down on the curves” – but www.santesson.com.com/enginvek.html confirms them as world-class swearers.

While being as effortlessly abusive as our EU cousins takes years of practice, we’ve come up with a few starter phrases that’ll have even the locals blushing:

Den kåte javeln skulle kunna knulla sin egen syster – That horny bastard would fuck his own sister

Den fete javeln slog mig – That fat son-of-a-bitch hit me

Jag tappade den javla tvålen – I dropped the fucking soap

Skitstovel – Shitty boot

Those of a more Teutonic bent should go to www.eat-germany.net/crap/dirtcrap.cfm which is home to such handy phrases as:

Der hohepunkt der fete war der gruppenfick danach – The highlight of the party was the gang bang afterwards

Wo ist Tom? Er holt sich in der garage einen ruter – Where’s Tom? He’s jacking off in the garage

Deine oma hat hangetitten – Your grandma has droopy tits

And to think that we ever doubted the wisdom of going into Europe!

After Deutschland (1 – England 5), it’s off to www.thatto-heath.freeserve.co.uk/index.htm, which offers a virtual tour of Johnny Vegas’ hometown.

The numerous attractions include The Brown Edge (“By far the best pub in Thatto Heath. The only bad point is the landlord – he’s an ex-copper”); The Portico & Grange Park Sports & Social Club (“The police stand outside and throw people back in – that way they know where the troublemakers are); and The British Lion (For false ID in this pub, you’re looking for a stolen pension book or telegram from the Queen).

Other sites tickling our mouse’s fancy this fortnight are www.thedicatorship.com (Roll over Slobodan Milosevic and tell Robert Mugabe the news!), www.burningheart.com (There’s more where The Hives came from) and www.thehumanequine.com (Laugh? We nearly bought ourselves PVC jodhpurs and a riding crop).

Surf hard!