Sex Column: Women Can Have Sex Just For Pleasure

Apart from a few times in my early teen years, I never felt a serious shame connected to sex. I grew up in a pretty liberal society in Denmark, where there’s a lot of room for women to take ownership of their sexuality. However, the moment you bring up the notion of taking money for a sexual service, then there’s stigma involved. I always thought that was strange – especially in a country that’s so dedicated to bringing about gender equality. I was educated as an actress, and as soon as I finished school, I began producing my own pieces. Around the same time, I got to know a number of sex workers.

At that point in Denmark, there was a lot of talk about implementing legislation based on the so-called ‘Swedish model’, where you criminalise the client. I saw my friends becoming trapped in a weird vacuum, where they couldn’t stand up publicly to tell the truth about their own story, in fear of stigma, an impact on their client base, and a loss of respect in their local community.

This strange, very undemocratic way of discussing sex work at that time really disturbed me. Sex workers were being silenced, while other people decided on their behalf what was best for them. Out of this frustration, the early seeds for my show began to form. Through Teater Bæst, a theatre company that specialises in provocative and interactive productions, CRAVE #2 (or LYST #2 in Danish, meaning desire or lust) found a place on stages, and pop-up sites, across Europe.

SEX WORKERS NOT PROSTITUTES

The first part of the show is an interactive and intimate performance lecture, in which we examine the internalised stigma that we all carry with us when we’re introduced to individuals selling sex. I use my own body and my own thoughts to question whether I should sell sex in my own life, while I also look at what consequences that could have for me.

Through the performance, I’m trying to open up a conversation in which there are no taboos and no shame – and if there is, I’ll confront that.

This part of the project is based on a long research period, in which I talked to sex workers around Europe, as well as scientists, anthropologists, sociologists, and a lot of NGO organisations working hands-on with sex workers. As laws and conditions continue to change for sex workers over time, so does the performance lecture.

The second section of CRAVE #2 is my favourite part to perform. People make an appointment to meet me in a hotel room for a one-on-one experience, where we have a very intimate dialogue about the various themes connected to sex work. We also use the time to discuss the many preconceptions that the audience will carry with them into the room.

As you can probably imagine, I’ve experienced just about every kind of response to CRAVE #2. The first time we performed it was in Copenhagen in 2015. There was a lot of support and media attention, but also criticism from a small group who described themselves as ‘survivors of prostitution’. They attacked the piece for only telling the story of ‘the happy hooker’.

I’ve always insisted on using the word ‘sex work’ – rather than prostitution – because that’s the field I’ve been researching in. I examine individuals who define themselves as sex workers and define what they do, which is selling sex, as a job.

For me, the key difference between sex work and prostitution is that the latter is a social construction. Some individuals choose to call themselves prostitutes or whores – and that’s their decision. But those words have been used and reproduced over hundreds of years, to refer to the ‘others’ in society. We need to be aware, as a society, that ‘prostitutes’ and ‘prostitution’ are terms we use about other people, who we really know nothing about. There’s so much condemnation and victimisation within that social construction, and very often, we don’t even realise that we’re reproducing that stigma.

The term sex work, on the other hand, has been defined by individuals selling sex themselves. That’s the crucial difference for me.

UNDER THE TIGHT GRIP OF SLUT-SHAMING

CRAVE #2 is by no means an act of voyeurism because you’re completely involved all along the way. You can’t look from a distance – you’re confronted all the time and I’m in constant dialogue with you. I enjoy provoking people’s preconceptions with the show. And as in any intimate encounter, if there’s chemistry there, I can get real pleasure in meeting new people and sharing intimacy with them.

Some people accuse their partners of cheating by attending these sorts of shows. For the one-on-one part of CRAVE #2, just like every other encounter, you need to have trust in your partner not to trespass the boundaries that you have set up for each other – if you have any of those. Plus, you can both attend the performance lecture, so why not come along as a couple and cheat together?

Monogamy can be a good thing for many people, but just like prostitution, it’s very much a social construct that we have created in order to make our societies run smoothly. It’s much easier to have workers and families if you have monogamy. However, there are so many ways of living your life, and monogamy is by no means the essence of humanity.

Sex doesn’t have to be linked to romantic love, either. If we can accept that males can have sex without those feelings, we should also be able to accept that women can do exactly the same thing. Whether you’re biologically a woman, or you identify as one, we have a tendency to internalise this idea that we’re only deserving of love if we’re well behaved and don’t have too many sexual partners. We need to realise that women can have sex just for pleasure – just as men do.

At the moment, there’s a limit to how women can express their sexuality publicly in society, and that’s a huge problem. Levels of tolerance differ from culture to culture, but there’s not a single country in Europe where women are completely free to act, say, do, and dress as they please. We’re all under a tight grip of slut-shaming – and that needs to change.

We performed CRAVE #2 at a festival in Bergen in Norway last year, where there’s quite a lot of moralism connected to sex, and very little discussion of sex workers’ rights. A feminist group tried to ban the performance, saying that the man running the festival was trying to make his audience become sex clients! I don’t expect it to be the same in Ireland by any means, but honestly, I’m prepared for all kinds of reactions at this stage! I’m really looking forward to it.

• CRAVE #2 will run at VISUAL Carlow, as well as a second secret location, from June 7-9.