- 24 Sep 19
The decision is likely to cause uproar in Bognor Regis and Barton-upon-Humber alike. But when you dig down a little bit, it is a very cummings plan indeed. By our Hoot Press Reporter
The UK’s alleged Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has moved quickly to limit the damage caused by the decision delivered by the UK Supreme Court today that his decision to prorogue parliament was unlawful.
The decision, which was read out by the first female leader of the Supreme Court, Lady Hale, sent shockwaves through the British political system. The proroguing of parliament had been part of a cummings plan hatched by Tory party top-dogs and given the seal of approval by the alleged Leader of the House of Commons, Jacob “biscuit” Rees-Mogg, who was lying in a prone position at the time. What he was otherwise up to remains a matter of speculation.
The decision led to immediate calls for the alleged Prime Minister Boris Johnson to resign, from the alleged leader of the opposition, Jeremy Clarkson. Sorry Irons. Sorry Corbyn.
However, informed sources at Westminster, who preferred to remain anonymous, have indicated that the Prime Minister and his closest advisors have come up with what they consider an even more cummings plan.
“What they have decided, in the light of the Supreme Court ruling, and the decision made by the highest magistrates in the greatest legal system in the world, that what they did in proroguing parliament was illegal, is that they really want to show people now just how badly the UK is treated by the dastardly empire-builders of the European Union,” one source told Hoot Press today.
We waited patiently for our source to elaborate, but he remained silent.
“So what have they actually decided to do?” we probed.
“Well, it really is a clever plan.”
You could hear the smirk down the telephone. Until our clandestine source broke into an outright cackle.
“You’re the first to be informed of this, because I have just come from the meeting,” the source whispered, to ensure that no one else could hear. “The decision taken by Boris Johnson was that we are going to appeal. 'Not so fast’, you might say. The Supreme Court is what it says on the tin!
“No so! Not so! So very not so!”
Lord, we thought. We might be responsible for someone having a heart attack. At the other end of the line, the man to whom we have given the code name The Mole in the Hole, seemed to collect himself, before carrying on.
“Because the interfering EU busybodies stole our sovereignty a long time ago, there is – or at least we think there is – a higher court of very much lower nobodies who have jurisdiction over the empire that is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and to whom a decision in the great courts of that great nation can be appealed. And that is the clearly inferior apparatus – bent, it must be said, like a non-EU banana – of the (snigger) European Court of Justice. So, yes, I can confirm that we are appealing.
“In that way, we will demonstrate to the people of the UK just how sickening, and thoroughly annoying to the point of inducing madness, it is to have the meddling Europeans lording it over us and deciding what the Prime Minister of this sovereign nation can or cannot do. It is as simple and as plain as that. Brexit means Brexit.”
The plan was hatched by Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings, and it offers a further twist of which our anonymous source seemed to be especially proud.
“Once we appeal the decision that was announced by the Supreme Court, it is non-operable, and therefore we can resume the prorogation of parliament. We can effectively shut down debate. And we can then crash out of the European Union, as originally planned – at which point, and this is the really sweet part – the European Court of Justice will no longer have jurisdiction, and so we will be able to tell all of those Germans and French that things are back to where they were after World War II – and they can shove any idea of a Marshall Plan up their collective continental arses because, frankly, we are not playing any more. And the bloody Dutch and the Belgians – and especially those arrogant little twats from Luxembourg who had the temerity – the outrageous temerity – to lampoon our great leader, Boris “Johnson” Johnson: they can all rot in their European hell.
“I would rather die in a ditch than succumb to the petty bureaucrats of the odious other 27 countries, all of which we hate and loathe and feel nothing but magisterial antipathy and contempt towards.
"Now for the sake of the Queen’s health – according to her physicians, her blood pressure soared over the 200/120 mark when she was roaring at Boris Johnson earlier today saying what a fool and a liar he was and never to darken her door, or anything else belonging to her, ever again – for her sake, can you get this story out there quickly so that she can be reassured that the country is, actually, in rather good hands? If you do a good job, old chap, we'll have a nice pheasant dinner, with a pricey Burgundy to help wash it down, to celebrate our inevitable victory, once things have settled down, eh?"
Hoot Press's analysis of today’s extraordinary events will have to wait. Our position on Brexit has changed, changed utterly. There is no time to waste on calling up the kind of discredited scum that are normally described as ‘experts’. Boris Johnson for King. Destiny awaits. And a very pleasant pheasant dinner.