Mad Hatter Q&A: Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
Vogue Williams.

Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
Her husband.

Favourite saying?
"I was on the Senior Cup team at school."

Favourite record?
The copy of Alanis Morrissette' s Jagged Little Pill that I keep in the glovebox of my cor to suggest sensitivity.

Favourite book?
I'm going to cheat here and say the book and lyrics for South Side Story, a musical written by my daughter, Honor, which focuses on the bitter gang rivalry between a multi-denominational school in Glenageary, where all religions are taught with equal ambivalence, and a Gaelscoil in Glasthule, where the children are told that only Catholics who speak fluent Irish can get into Heaven.

Favourite film?
Any film that my children don't have to explain to me. Finding Nemo – anything like that.

Favourite author?
I was on the Senior Cup team at school.

Favourite actor / actress?
Emily Blunt. I've got 400 pictures of her in my phone – and none of my children!

Favourite musician?
The old dude who plays the accordion badly on the main street in Ranelagh and is paid by local businesses to keep moving further up the road.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
Agreeing with my wife's suggestion that we try to keep the spork in our marriage by going on regular date nights. I didn't realise that she meant with each other. Then she showed up in the restaurant when I was having dinner with a girl I met on Tinder. We laughed all the way to A&E.

Favourite food?
Creatine.

Favourite drink.
Is that a joke?

TV programme?
Ireland's Next Top Embezzler, a business-style, talent-search programme that I'm currently narrating for Virgin Media.

Favourite TV personality?
I hate to blow my own trumpet, but I did a pretty good pilot.

Favourite item of clothing?
My novelty boxer shorts with the words "Heavy Load" written across the crotch.

Most desirable date?
Any that my wife doesn't turn up to.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Lying on the sofa in my Leinster tracksuit bottoms with the focked elastic while watching Sorcha's Davina McCall Extreme Boxercise DVD.

If you weren't pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
The greatest Irish rugby player of all time.

Biggest thrill?
Attending two debs dances on the same night – one in Jury's and in the Berkeley Court –  with neither of my two dates suspecting a thing. I'm still the only man who has ever pulled it off.

Biggest disappointment?
Musgrave's buying Donnybook Fair.

Your concept of heaven?
A world without Dryrobes.

Your concept of hell?
Taking the wrong turn off the Glenageary roundabout and ending up in Sallynoggin.

What would be your dying words?
"Take my Rugby Tactics Book. It's yours now, ROG."

Greatest ambition?
To order a strawberry mojito in a pub in Limerick and not get punched in the face by a barmaid.

Period of history you'd most like to have lived in and why?
The Celtic Tiger. Because I love making the same mistakes again and again.

If you weren't a human being which animal would you have chosen to be?
Leo the Lion.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
Ring my old man and say, "Presumably this isn't going to affect people like us, is it?"

Your nominee for the world's best-dressed person?
Craig Doyle.

Favourite term of abuse?
"Focking typical Terenure / Blackrock / Gonzaga / Belvedere."

Biggest fear?
Taking the wrong exit off the Glenageary roundabout and ending up in Sallynoggin.

Humanity's most useful invention?
The finger guns.

Humanity's most useless invention?
Men's beach volleyball.

Watch Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Postcards From The Ledge live from Mermaid Arts Centre, Bray, available on demand until May 23.