GUN : “Swagger” (A & M)

THIS IS how I imagine it: the A & R man scans some stadium rock venue to register the reaction of the “kids” who are dutifully lapping up this barrage of soulless pseudo-metal.

With a cynical twinkle in his eye, he makes his way, after the gig, up to the fourteenth floor of the record company headquarters, deciding in the elevator that Gun should become the next product on the company production line. If handled correctly, they should “shift the units” ensuring a medium to good return on investment.

At the boardroom meeting, it is decided that there is, indeed, a gap in the Seattlesque rock market to be filled: those teenage wannabee grunge kids haven’t had their fill yet . . .

What makes their plan so laughable is that Gun are actually Glaswegians. Now, let’s not get carried away: if anybody thinks that this disqualifies a band from making fantastic rock music, then I’ve got two words for you: Teenage Fanclub. No, it’s just that everything about this particular group is so blatantly premeditated that it makes even an Esther Rantzen one-liner seem spontaneous!

Indeed, singer Mark Rankin and his accomplices ham up the ‘big-shot L.A. rawk star’ image to such ludicrous proportions that it makes Bob Monkhouse’s comedy routine appear positively underplayed! There’s no denying it, even bubbly ol’ Bob himself can’t milk it like these guys. Still, at least you know where to go if Premier Dairies ever go on strike!

Pick a line at random and you’ll be sure to come across an amalgamation of every jaded cliche in the book:”We’ve lost our self-control/We’ve got nowhere to go/You’ll never take our pride.” (‘Stand in Line’).Or how about this:“All I know, tell me can you hear me/You’re all I need yeh, yeh, yeh.” (‘Don’t say It’s Over’).

The lyrics are simply so atrocious they defy description so I’ll just print another few lines so you can all have a cringe and a chortle to yourselves:”Now it’s easy to see with every breath I breathe/That I’m crying over you/Cos baby, baby what do I have to lose/And I say hold on .... why can’t we see it through.” (‘Crying Over You’)

It’s exactly the same story musically, as well, with every road-weary riff carted out to do a turn, splutter and then collapse from exhaustion back into its wheelchair to be guided back to the old age home from whence it came.

There’s not an iota of originality about this record.

Even the idea for the front cover photo is stolen: does a four-piece band sitting on a sofa - complete with bare-footed lead singer – sound familiar to you?

Well, I suppose, everybody else is doing it so why can’t they? And they apparently are, as “Swagger” entered the U.K. charts at no. 6. That would be funny if it wasn’t true but it’s the band and their publicity machine who are having the last laugh.

• Nicholas G. Kelly