’BDSM’ is sex play involving bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; and sadism and masochism. I recently spoke to a long-standing friend, whose penchant for BDSM came to light after the bitter break up of her second, short-lived marriage.

Wren had a burning desire to explore “dom-sub play” and her fantasies included being with other couples. Highly sexual, she lost her virginity at 15, and took five different lovers that year. She has been adventurous ever since. In her adult experience, no one relationship could fulfill her sexual needs, or not for long at any rate.

“I’m not great at monogamy,” she explains. “I married my best friend, Paul. He was so sweet and supportive and loving, and an amazing caretaker. I thought that would be enough. But it turned out that I needed different things. As I learn more about myself, increasingly I feel unapologetic about what I want. Being 40, and realising this, is liberating.”

A friend with similar interests recommended the website Lifestylelounge.com (the Google pop-up description says “swingers social community for adults”).

“I started sneaking around behind the marriage,” Wren admits. “I led a double life for about a year-and-a-half before I eventually got caught.”

Immersing herself in the excitement of this new lifestyle and various fetish explorations gave Wren a sense of her own power. In retrospect, she wishes her relationship hadn’t ended with secrets and betrayal. But she is philosophical about it. “I had an opportunity to move cities for work, and I jumped at it. It was a chance to duck out. I knew the distance would make things easier.”

FLOATING LOVERS

Her first BDSM “trifecta” was with three simultaneous lovers. Her “master” was a wealthy LA businessman. “Bachelor number two” was a neurosurgeon by trade and a smart surfer/Burning Man type. His profession and intelligence turned her mind on. “He spent his days saving lives with his hands wrapped around people’s brains, and then at night, he was fucking my brains out,” she laughs. Her third lover was a therapist. She’d book an appointment and role play with him while in his waiting room. Their sessions ended up with hot sex on his “couch”, in between real clients.

“My master was great, really creative,” she attests. “He was a real estate developer by day. He would give me assignments to fulfill while I was at work. One time, I had to cut small squares of sandpaper and put them in my bra. My nipples were raw and hard all day. Another time, I had to wear a butt plug to work while interacting with co-workers and going to meetings. All those secrets felt powerful! One time I had to write “slut” on my thigh, duck into the bathroom and snap a photo. He would say ‘wash it off before your husband sees it’. That was fucking hot.” For her, sex has always been a way to self-soothe. “It’s how I coped when Paul and I broke up,” she says.

Since I knew her as a kid, having orgasms was her way for her to handle stress. Her ideal sexual frequency is once per day and at least four times per week.

She has a system to help organise her lovers that she’s named “the stove”. At any given time she might have six or seven “floating lovers”, aka “burners on her stove.” They shift from front to back depending on availability, and interest.

Threesomes, orgies, sex with women, she’s done it all. She identifies as “fluid”. She has recently bedded a few repeat girlfriends. But her preference is for men. Single now for the past five months, her last relationship, with a man, was monogamous for over three years.

“The sex was great, but the emotional component and other aspects of the relationship were missing. He earned less. That’s tricky for me. I always seem to be the financial backbone in my relationships. In his case, it brought out his anger issues.” Another lover, she recently stopped seeing because he was “aggressive” to her, once leaving her with a black eye.

THREE-TO-FIVE PARTNERS

Her online want ads state she’s looking for a “dominant single male.” BDSM techniques are welcome, but not always necessary. She has experience with shibari – which is sex-play while being tied up with “Japanese ropes”.

She mentions her last encounter with one dom versed in that technique. “This dom created a ‘diamond harness’ to keep me ‘constantly open’. The ropes are made of jute, which like the sandpaper, kept me mildly uncomfortable while getting fucked senseless.” She wore Cast Irish-8 handcuffs – “you can’t move at all” – and spreader bars that “lock your legs open – spread eagle style.” All of these S&M “toys” aim to heighten sexual pleasure with a touch of pain. Sometimes, more than a touch. Lately, while enjoying her singledom, she’s interviewing people for regular spots on her “stove”.

So, how many does it take?

“Ideally, two people would be enough – if they’re readily available. If they’re busy, like me, I need access to at least three-to-five people.” Many of her lovers are on repeat. She doesn’t like one-night stands and claims to be “meticulous about hygiene. I get tested regularly.” She’s STD free.

During a quiet moment in our conversation, she confided: “I don’t need BDSM when I’m really into someone.” At the heart of it, I guess, she’s looking for her dream partner.

“Like the main character in I Love Dick,” she says, “I want a rugged financial equal, who’s sexually exciting – maybe someone who lives in Omaha? I don’t know. I would ideally like to have a relationship with someone who can check all the boxes. If that’s even possible.”

Get ready cowboys.