RAT MAN FOREVER

Those of you who have been watching Network 2 s spoof-documentary series, Paths To Freedom, may be eager to read the inside story of Rats, the unemployed ex-con trying to make a go of things on the outside.

Hoot Press proudly brings you that story. It is a story of how a worthless gouger turns over a new rizla and embraces New Age philosophies with the stealth previously reserved for disarming the alarm systems of other people s houses.
So Rats, let s start at the beginning. How did you end up in the slammer in the first place?
It was a bit of a mistake, he answers, in his strong inner city Dublin accent. I was caught breaking into someone s house. They thought I was gonna attack her. But I wouldn t do that, ya know what I mean? I ve never hit anyone in my life, I swear.
How did you get caught?
I hit the alarm and I was upstairs looking for a bit of jewellery and I got locked in.
And the cops came?
Yeah they caught me. They know me of old. They knew it was my work.
And how did prison affect you, Rats? How did you cope with spending all that time behind, rather than in, bars?
Poetry and stuff has helped me express myself better, he confides. I m more of an artistic, spiritual person. I was just a bit misguided. But I m totally zen now and in a new zone. The Feng Shui has helped me too. I used to organise my cell a bit differently. That really got me zoned in. Light is very important to me and the arrangement of furniture. And I did a course in prison called Repressed Spiritualism And The Struggle Of The Inner Child In The Workplace.
So, you re a different Rats to the Rats who used to go out robbing cars and the like?
Yeah. Now I m a trier. My wife and kids have left me but I m in another place now. I make music with Tommo, me best mate. We were in a band together called Sperm.
What will you do with yourself now that you re on the straight and narrow?
I see myself being able to talk to the people and telling my story about life. Hopefully I ll get my poems published and maybe get a record deal which would be cool. Because I did have a No. 1 in Finland in 1993 well, actually it wasn t No.1, it was No. 46. But it got into the charts.
How did it feel Rats to have these television cameras following you about the place?
It was cool, he answers. I m a natural in front of the camera, as you can tell.
What about the other ex-con, Jeremy, that the cameras follow around? Even though he s from a different side of the tracks to you, did you get to know him in prison?
I didn t know him in prison but I do end up meeting him, as you ll see. He s a funny bloke; his head s a bit wrecked to be honest with you. He needs to get his head sorted. He s got it all house, car, wife but he s nothing inside. He s spiritually bankrupt. I ve nothin and I m happy. He has everythin and he s a mess.
What do you make of the Celtic Tiger, Rats, and do you see yourself one day being accepted by society?
I ve no money at all. I dunno where all these people are able to buy houses. I haven t a bean, y know what I mean? But it s gonna change. If I get a record deal and I get my poems published, you could see me on The Late Late very soon.
Does this mean we could see you taking up, say, golf?
That s a stupid game. I m more of a darts man. Nothin too strenuous.

Paths To Freedom is on Network 2 on Monday nights at 10.00pm.