PUNDITRY IN MOTION

Gary Cooke (RTE, Aprés Match)

Appeared from absolutely nowhere to steal the Player Of The Tournament award. His Eamon Dunphy impersonation was sublime, down to the vile nicotine-stained check yellow jacket, pursed lips and descriptions of sublime Dutch teamwork as “miasmic muck”. His constant toadying to John Giles, who he also carried off with hitherto unseen aplomb, was just as joyous to behold. And his constant bickering with Bill O’Herlihy, who had the audacity to ask on one occasion if “it was fair to say that much of what has been written about the World Cup was less than wonderful?”, was an undisputed tournament highlight.

Risteard Cooper (RTE, Aprés Match)

Puts Englishman Alastair MacGowan in the ha’penny place when it comes to football-related mimicry and has Brooking, McCarthy and O’Herlihy down to a tee. His Jimmy Hill impersonation needs work, though, as he has a long way to go before he becomes even remotely as laughable as the real thing.

David Ginola (BBC)

Employed more on the strength of his flowing, dandruff-free locks and pop-star looks than for his ability to talk a good game. Ginola duly struggled with the lingo, although many found it ironic that the handsome Frenchman’s ability to speak coherent English was Head & Shoulders above that of many of his British colleagues. Earned the respect of millions (even one Arsenal fan of my acquaintance) by managing to sound genuinely pleased that the French team, which he had every right to be in, won the World Cup.

Alan Hansen (BBC)

A smug, pedantic former centre-half who provided numerous moments of hilarity, despite his increasingly tiresome bickering with Jimmy Hill. His point blank refusal to analyse the USA’s defensive shortcomings for one late Iranian counter-attack, on the grounds that they were so “unbelievable” he couldn’t find the words to describe them, was his tournament highlight.

Jimmy Hill (BBC)

The chinned wonder became a parody of himself a long, long time ago, a fact which makes it difficult to discern who was funnier, Hill himself with his revolting dickie-bows or Risteard Cooper’s version of him on Après Match. Jimmy seemed unperturbed by the constant ridicule he suffered at the hands of his colleagues, most notably Ally McCoist, Martin O’Neill and of course, Alan Hansen. An unnerving number of his sentences began with the expression “Laugh if you will . . .” and his theory that the Romanian team’s decision to bleach their barnets was a tactical decision made Alex Ferguson’s infamous “grey strip” excuse seem Socratean in its logic.

But in fairness, while there’s no doubt Hill’s qualifications as an eejit of the highest order, it’s worth noting that during half-time in the World Cup final, he was the only member of the BBC panel to suggest that Ronaldo shouldn’t be on the field – an opinion that was roundly scoffed at by both Hansen and O’Neill.

Glenn Hoddle (ITV)

It’s common knowledge that most football fans think they’d make excellent managers, and having heard some of the England coach’s amazing twists of logic, it’s not difficult to see why. Hoddle was a relatively late arrival to the ITV Group of Death, and effortlessly confirmed his status as the man who put the “gaffe” into gaffer. After France had beaten Brazil in the final, Hoddle expressed his firm belief that if England hadn’t been eliminated by Argentina they would have gone “all the way”. It’s a surprise he didn’t substitute Ruud Gullit more often during his tenure as boss at Chelsea, because at times when both men occupied the ITV gantry it looked at if nothing would give Glenn more pleasure than to pull his favourite Dutchman off.

Kevin Keegan (ITV)

Not content with boldly stating that “there’s only one team going to win this now and that’s England”, on the night Glenn Hoddle’s men went down to the Romanians, the Fulham boss got it arse-about-tit again when put on the spot by Brian Moore prior to David Batty’s penalty miss against Argentina, confidently predicting that his former charge, the Newcastle United enforcer, would bury his spot-kick. Tragically, he was wrong.

Barry Murphy (RTE, Aprés Match)

It’s a good job the object of Murphy’s ridicule is such a good natured, happy-go-lucky . . . sorry, no longer employed by RTE, as Barry further enhanced his reputation as Ireland’s funniest comedian by taking his Frank Stapleton parody to new heights. Nevertheless, cynics have accused him of selling out by replacing his cut-price, cut-out cardboard fringe with a state-of-the-art wig. Although he struggled to maintain order among his menagerie of panellists while acting in the anchor role, he maintained an unusually dignified and bewildered silence whenever Risteard Cooper (aka Bill O’Herlihy) took over in the hot-seat.

Martin O’Neill (BBC)

A newcomer to Planet Punditry, the diminutive Leicester City manager was never afraid to speak his mind, even if it meant offending his colleagues and/or talking utter bollocks. Stated at half-time during the World Cup final that “Ronaldo with one leg” would be a better asset to Brazil than Bebeto, when it was clearly obvious to all and sundry that Ronaldo’s girlfriend in a wheelchair would have been a better asset than the pair of them put together. Nevertheless, this was one of few blemishes on Martin’s BBC CV, and his constant verbal jousts with both Ally McCoist and Jimmy Hill were invariably a constant source of amusement.

Niall Quinn (RTE)

The absence of sackcloth, ashes, tar and feathers, along with his constantly cheery demeanour, would suggest that Quinninho has recovered far too quickly from Sunderland’s penalty shoot-out reversal at the hands of Charlton Athletic in the Nationwide League 1st Division play-off final for my liking. The swine.

Ronaldo’s girlfriend Susana Werner (BBC, ITV, RTE, Eurosport)

Not a pundit, as such, but a very pleasant diversion whenever the ball went out of play during Brazil’s matches. Sadly, the television cameras failed to pick her out of the crowd during the final, fuelling worldwide speculation that even if her buck-toothed boyfriend didn’t score during the 90 minutes, she could well have.

Bryan Robson (Eurosport)

In common with RTE’s Peter Collins, a man who can provide live commentary on a South American Grand Prix while simultaneously presenting a trendy pop show on 2FM, Eurosport pundits are famed for their ability to provide cutting-edge analysis on international events from within the confines of a London-based studio. This probably explains why Robbo was busy negotiating the transfer of his old Manchester Utd mucker, Gary Pallister, to Middlesbrough while his Premiership colleagues, Vialli and Dalglish, were busy signing exotically monikered World Cup winners such as Desailly and Guivarc’h (another masterstroke, Kenny). A very funny man.

Andy Townsend (RTE)

Along with his brother-in-arms Quinninho, Andy’s willingness and ability to cater for the whims of every Irish fantasist, conspiracy theorist and stone hatchet mad lunatic with access to a telephone proved beyond doubt that the RTE panjandrums won’t have to look very hard for a replacement if ever Marian Finucane decides she’s had enough of Liveline. As the switch to radio will automatically nullify his unfortunate inability to read an autocue, the only handicap he will then need to overcome is his unnerving habit of placating callers who want to know why referees don’t travel on horseback in order to keep up with the play on the validity of their questions.

Barry Venison (ITV)

Although the bespectacled Venison’s penchant for garish electric suits and blond mullet hairstyles has sobered up, his discharges of verbal effluent continue to sound like the incoherent ramblings of a stuttering Geordie wino. Throughout the course of the World Cup, Venison proved to be the weakest link in an incredibly fragile ITV chain, with the result that gurning anchors Bob Wilson and Jim Rosenthal regularly found themselves all at sea.

TOP 10 WORLD CUP OWN GOALS

“Belgium are like an empty tin of pears, a bit lack lustre.”

– Frank Stapleton (aka Barry Murphy)

“I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if this game went all the way to the finish.” – Ian St John

“Apart from their goals, Norway haven’t scored.”

– Terry Venables

“Batistuta is very good at pulling off defenders.”

– Kevin Keegan

“Zidane is not very happy, because he’s suffering from the wind.”

– Ron Atkinson

“Chile have three options – they could win or lose.”

– Kevin Keegan

“Now, here comes Romário! Romário for Brazil!”

– John Motson, France v Brazil

“The Croatians don’t play well without the ball.”

– Barry Venison

“He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate.”

– Ron Atkinson

“He dribbles a lot, and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it on their faces.”

– Ron Atkinson

Oneliners

LEGAL (UN)EASE

Recently reported lawyer/witness exchanges in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.

Lawyer: “How was your first marriage terminated?”

Witness: “By death.”

Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

Lawyer: “Can you describe the individual?”

Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”

Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”

Lawyer: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”

Witness: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

Witness: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

Lawyer: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”

Witness: “Oral.”

Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”

Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?”

Lawyer: “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

Lawyer: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”

Witness: “Yes.”

Lawyer: “And what were you doing at that time?”

Lawyer: “On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the path to the shed?”

Witness: “I did.”

Lawyer: “And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?”

Witness: “I did.”

Lawyer: “And did you observe anything?”

Witness: “I did.” (Witness remains silent.)

Lawyer: “Well, could you tell the court what you saw?”

Witness: “I saw George.”

Lawyer: You saw George ******, the defendant in this case?”

Witness: “Yes.”

Lawyer: Can you tell the court what George was doing?”

Witness: “Yes.” (Witness remains silent.)

Lawyer: “Well, would you kindly do so?”

Witness: “He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.”

Lawyer: “His ‘thing’?”

Witness: “You know . . . his thing. His di . . . I mean, his penis.”

Lawyer: “You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight and you saw this clearly?”

Witness: “Yes.”

Lawyer: “Did you say anything to him?”

Witness: “Of course I did!”

Lawyer: “What did you say to him?”

Witness: “‘Morning, George’.”