Mad Hatter: Rob Doyle would like to go on a date with Eskimo Supreme... or Lorde

Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
My mate Dave, because the last time we got drunk he turned on me in a terrifying manner.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
My mate Dave.

Favourite saying?
If You Think My Books Are Problematic, You Should See My Unconscious.

Favourite record?
Daytona by Pusha T.

Favourite book?
Human, All Too Human by Friedrich Nietzsche.

Favourite film?
Spring Breakers.

Favourite author?
Roberto Bolaño.

Favourite actor / actress?
James Franco in Spring Breakers.

Favourite musician?
Big Thief.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
The whole shebang.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
A bowl of pho / coffee / ketamine (but rarely).

TV programme?
The Assassination of Gianni Versace.

Favourite TV personality?
Donald Trump, the king of comedy.

Favourite item of clothing?
My navy trench-coat, given to me on a Norwegian island by an artist friend.

Most desirable date?
Eskimo Supreme. No wait, Lorde. She’s too young for me, but we’d have a laugh.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Listening to Lana Del Rey while dancing naked very slowly in front of a mirror.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
No idea – only art ever interested me.

Biggest thrill?
Getting my first book Here Are The Young Men published.

Biggest disappointment?
Realising the apocalypse will be a gradual, entropic and boring affair, not glamorous at all.

Your concept of heaven?
Peace of mind; freedom from hatred and fear. All achievable in this life.

Your concept of hell?
Twitter.

What would be your dying words?
This isn’t over.

Greatest ambition?
To be known universally as a great writer, a master.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
Ancient Greece for enchantment, or ancient Egypt for otherness.

If you weren’t a human being which animal would you have chosen to be?
Some ocean-soaring bird of the cold northern climates.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
Make love to my girlfriend. Next, contact my family with a message of love. Then it’s cocktails on the balcony.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
Certain women I’ve been fortunate enough to have wander into my life.

Favourite term of abuse?
Moron.

Biggest fear?
Being buried alive.

Humanity’s most useful invention?
The teleporter.

Humanity’s most useless invention?
Twitter. Not useless, but socially evil.

• Rob Doyle’s latest novel, Threshold, is out now, published by Bloomsbury Circus.