Bad manors

One of the most controversial events in the media so far this year was the insensitive treatment of last year’s Eurovision losers Donna and Joe McColl on The Podge and Rodge Show on RTE 2.

Invited on the show to showcase their new single, the pair were just about getting into it when the show cut to a commercial break. But Podge and Rodge remain unrepentant.
“Have ye heard the Euroshames’ feckin’ single? It’s undiluted shite. Why would you want to inflict that shite on the viewing public? We can’t afford to lose that number of viewers. The Irish public has suffered enough,” claims Podge.
I ask them if they have any advice for Brian Kennedy as our representative this year. Rodge immediately says, “Yes. Get a better song. That’d be a good start, but RTE don’t want to come within a geehair of winning Eurovision, so I reckon Brian was the perfect choice, and it was very, eh, convenient might be the right word, him winning with his own song, wasn’t it?”
I put it to the pair that rumours have been circulating that their co-presenter Lucy Kennedy only got the job because, in accordance with RTE tradition, she’s really their sister.
“That’s an outrageous allegation,” explodes Podge, “sure you couldn’t be shaggin’ your own sister could you? Sure that’s even illegal down here in Ballydung!” He frankly admits that Rodge has been viewing naked shots of her taken by a hidden cameras he’s placed around their Ballydung Manor home where the shows are filmed, and he promises the shots will be posted on their website soon.
“That was part of our deal with RTE”, he claims, “We’ll probably call the website lustylucy.com. It has a good ring to it, if you’ll pardon the expression. I suppose a bit of blackmail will come into the reckoning sooner or later too.”
But he seems to be less than enamoured with Kennedy anyway. “Sure she’s kind of high maintenance. She expects us to do things that are totally out of the ordinary, like brush our teeth. The other day she wanted us to buy a seat for the toilet. Mad stuff like that. But modern women do nothing for us really. There was a time when a woman would know that a man wanted to have a cup of tea. So she’d go and make it without him saying a word. But with these new woman you have to ask them. It’s ridiculous. It’s the kind of thing that’s ruinin’ this country,” he reckons.
Dave Fanning is reportedly peeved about his treatment on the show, perhaps feeling he was not afforded the respect he deserves. Once again, the lads show no remorse.
“We like Dave in small doses”, admits Podge, “but he’s a miserable little shitehawk at the best of times. He can be really irritating, and he doesn’t do very much, does he?”
When I point out that Dave’s done a lot for Irish music, they beg to differ. “He did a bit in the early days, but going on television was the ruin of him,” says Rodge. “He hasn’t been any good since.”
Given the new shows are far longer than their previous In Bed series, I wonder was this putting them under pressure – maybe keeping them up late? Not a bit of it, says Podge.
“Sure we hardly ever get to bed anyway, what with pullin’ our wires and lookin’ at internet porn and the babecasts, so we’re well used to the late nights,” he assures me. He also rejects accusations of selling tickets for the show on the black market and puts the blame on Rodge.
“He’s big into the black market. Sure he once used to sell knickers belonging to Twink on the black market until he ran out of them. We’re not sure if she wears them any more, so the market kind of dried up anyway,” he muses.
With rumours that Podge might be trying to get his own show, Rodge counters that Peter Stringfellow has offered him a job in his new nightclub.
“Peter’s poles get very sweaty, all full of lady sweat, “ he explains with undisguised relish, “so my job would be to clean his poles for him. I’d enjoy that kind of work. I enjoy the earthier side of women,” he says.
One of the guest acts they’re looking forward to having on the show are Foster and Allen. “You’d have to admire Foster and Allen for the way they’ve been hoodwinking the public for so long with that diddly-eye shite. They’re heroes of ours,” says Rodge. But Michael Flatley is definitely not one of their heroes. As Podge tells it, “We hate him. He’s not even Irish really. He’s basically takin’ the piss. He takes the mickey out of Irish dancin’. He goes off to Dubai or somewhere and people think Irish people must be all like him – with the feckin’ headband and the shaven chest. It’s not right.”
Not that they’re entirely happy with RTE either. The station, perhaps for obvious insurance and health and safety reasons, has had to block some of the duo’s more ambitious plans.
As Rodge told me, “They weren’t too keen on this idea we had to have a guillotine on the show for a bit of craic, to liven the show up, like. There are great sponsorship opportunities in all that, but RTE aren’t as forward-looking as we’d like them to be.”