Why do Czechs sleep with Westerners? asked an old, Cold War joke. For the cigarette afterwards, was the tee-hee-hee riposte.
It was a gag that seemed grimly appropriate throughout the recent bash to mark Playboy magazine s first anniversary in the Republic of Ireland. It wasn t just that the party in the Grafton Suite of the Westbury Hotel felt like a stag night at which the stripper was the guest of honour. It wasn t even the fact that the room was filled with pear-shaped boors in suits, exchanging witty badinage that ranged across matters as diverse as knockers, melons, jugs and thru penny bits.
No, what made this evening at once gruesomely hilarious and hilariously gruesome was that most of the guests had come here in the belief that there was genuinely something to celebrate.
This is obviously what it feels like to live in some deprived, minor East European republic when McDonald s finally get round to opening up shop. You revel and rejoice with all the restraint of the closing number in an MGM musical. You raise a tankard to democracy, to the vigour of the free market, to the commercial acumen of old Ronald McDonald himself (isn t it wonderful to see a man who looks so ridiculous achieving so much in the business world?). Then, you go inside to sample the produce of this free enterprise marvel, and discover that it s merely, well, a hamburger. Big McFucking Swing!
BIRTHDAY CAKE
The sole argument in favour of Playboy in this country has always been that it causes a stench in the puritanical nostril. When the bluenoses outlawed it in 1959, they endowed what was really a rather tame and quaint wankmag with the prestige of being a threat to society.
The debate about whether or not it should be unbanned was fun, if only because it exposed the point of overlap between Christian zealots and the more zany, absolutist outskirts of feminism where Playboy is regarded as nothing short of a Nazi manual (haven t you ever noticed how all those playmates have their pubic hair styled into those sinister little Hitler moustaches?).
When the prohibition was lifted, in December 1995, it was the turn of large swathes of the liberated male population to demonstrate what abject peasants they are. It seemed that the suppression of Playboy had created a dam-busting demand. The January 1996 issue (with Pamela Anderson as its cover girl) was a sell-out across the entire Republic. A supplementary emergency shipment of 7,500 copies was rushed in by air from the U.S.
The number of copies sold in Ireland now accounts for 45% of the total Ireland and United Kingdom sales. Ireland, as you may know if you have an interest in current affairs, is a nation with 3.5 million people while the UK population tops 57 million. 25 copies of Playboy are sold in Ireland every hour of every day.
To give you an idea of the enormity and intensity of Playboy s popularity in this country, if all its Irish readers were to stand side by side and hold hands, their palms would stick together.
The soiree in The Westbury was designed to rub our noses in these figures and to hold out the false prospect to some rather sad middle-aged men that they might be afforded an opportunity to rub their noses in the figure of Miss December 1996, Playmate and former Miss Sweden Victoria Silvstedt.
The free-bar event was billed as a thank you for the newsagents who had helped bring about this amazing success story. Curiously enough, these newsagents were of a kind that I ve certainly never seen standing in any kiosk or behind any counter. They were largely ageing, red-faced executives chomping on cigars the size of blimps. Some of them had eyes gummy with intoxication, and a few were beginning to shout out their every stray thought even at 6.30 in the evening. The many journalists present, meanwhile, were all fit, trim, relaxed and dignified in both manner and demeanour. (Or was it the other way round? Ed.)
Playboy Vice President, Retail Marketing and Sales, Larry Djerf, opened the proceedings with a lengthy speech outlining the myriad wonderful attributes of the Playboy concept. It s supposed to be an amazing read, apparently, provocative, intelligent and fearless. It clearly slipped his mind that it s good for djerking off with as well.
The advent of Miss December (yuk yuk yuk) brought the brouhaha in the room to a somnolent hush. She was wearing a glittery green frock that was essentially a slip with ambitions. Her main job was to assume Playmate position number XXVIII behind a large birthday cake and to lean over at a 90 degree angle for about 20 minutes so that we could all stare down the front of her dress (just for the articles, you understand).
COTTON BUD
Victoria is 22 years of age, six feet tall in high heels, and holds the world indoor record for giggling like a schoolgirl. Led around by her diminutive female minder, she greeted us all with breathless excitement and in the tone of voice you might use to tell people they had just won free trips to Disneyland.
As she worked the room and posed for snaps, she appeared happily oblivious to the leering and gawping of the guests, some of whom would stand directly in front of her, staring, assessing and nodding thoughtfully, the way you might approve a bottle of the house white or a selection of hors d uvres.
The presence of a professional nude model in the vicinity seems to convince people, of both sexes, that they have the right to be extraordinarily rude and disparaging about her appearance. No way are they real, opined one of the handful of females amid the throng, pointing at Victoria s sweater puppies. Look how they sit up and beg!
She s got great blowjob lips, declared a pinstriped bumpkin, his jacket half-mooned at the armpits with the frothy sweat of rigorous appraisal. When his colleague retorted that all women have blowjob lips, his face turned sombre and pensive, as though he had just comprehended one of the eternal truths of existence.
But it wasn t all lecherous incoherence. I actually overheard a man cite the name of a feminist writer at one stage. It was just after a heckler had wittily bade Victoria to Get em off! and she had declined with a demure smile. Shere Hite, observed a resounding male voice. Or at least, I think that s what he said.
Opinions varied among the sizeable Hot Press contingent (staff motto: If a story s worth covering, it s worth covering in great numbers and draining the free bar dry in the process ) as to which of our red-blooded young men should get to interview the lovely Victoria. Just look at those sumptuous, bee-stung lips, that pneumatic chest, those seductively-swaying hips. That s right, Olaf Tyaransen won the toss (and you should have seen the energy and verve with which his competitors tossed).
Olaf and Victoria huddled together on the couch, her face folded into a giant listening ear, his probing, penetrating journalistic talent folded into a giant, eh, cotton bud. I actually have possession of the tape of their encounter, which I intend to store in my files for purposes of cultural record, posterity and extortion. One classic exchange merits quoting at this time, however.
Victoria: I regard doing the Playboy spread as a great launching pad for my career. When I finish modelling, I d like to work in TV.
Olaf: What sort of TV would you like to do?
Victoria: (pause for contemplation) TV shows!
At 8.30pm, the party was officially terminated. The guests filed out into harsh Irish reality, free editions of the January 1997 Playboy (with Marilyn Monroe as its cover girl) under our arms, a small estuary of booze in our stomachs and, in some cases, a bouquet of Playboy balloons in our fists. We had slept with the Westerners and earned our cigarettes. If our proud and noble nation continues to consume copies at such a prodigious rate, we might get to do it all again next year. n
Dublin Corporation has announced details of a programme to make inner city communities safer places to live for the 70,000 tenants who currently reside in Corporation estates. The five-strand initiative, Helping People to Build Communities, is to be introduced immediately and aims to give residents a greater say in how their estates are run.
Presented in package form, the programme covers a broad spectrum, dealing comprehensively with Corporation/tenant relations and Dublin s ongoing drug problem. Also included in the pack are drugs information booklets, a Tenant s Handbook, and laminated Helplines In Your Area leaflets which detail names, addresses and telephone numbers of the relevant district s drug control and enforcement agencies, including drug treatment and counselling services as well as community and voluntary support groups, youth services and local Corporation officials.
Project co-ordinator Kieran McNamara is confident that the scheme will be a success.
The feedback has been magnificent already, he avers. Information packs have already been distributed to thousands of tenants and the response so far has been very very good. It s part of our policy to build community spirit and we feel that through this initiative we re helping people to help themselves.
What it means, essentially, is that practically everything tenants need to know about Corporation services, etc., is contained in the package, which makes it a lot easier for them to get in touch with whoever they re looking for. It also makes their dealings with the Corporation more pleasant and personal. We want people to know that if they have a problem then we re quite happy to talk to them. For instance, the Helplines guide is tailor-made for 10 different parts of the city. Various Guards and Corporation staff are named on it, so people know exactly who to contact if problems arise.
COMMUNITY
SPIRIT
While the larger part of the Helping People initiative is devoted to the problems of drug abuse in the capital, Kieran does not claim to have the solutions to these problems.
Well, I wouldn t say that our package has anything to offer that others don t, he muses. I think it s part of a process where we re all trying to find a way forward. We re not saying that we have the answers because we certainly don t.
What we re doing, together with the Guards and The Eastern Health Board, is saying to communities Look, let s all get together and talk, and from this discussion maybe we can find a common thread, a way forward. We re just hopeful that we ll get something positive for the future out of it.
Kieran is quick to dismiss suggestions that the community spirit Dublin Corporation is eager to harness doesn t actually exist.
Ah it definitely does, there s no doubt about it, he declares. We know it s there so what we re trying to do is build with people together so that we can work to ensure that Dublin Corporation and its tenants can enjoy a good relationship so that all concerned benefit from it.
Cynics, of course, will say that the Helping People To Build Communities initiative is merely a token gesture on Dublin Corporation s part and is bound to fail. Is Kieran prepared for that sort of criticism?
Well the critic s role is an easy one, isn t it, he sighs. All the critic or the cynic has to do is sit on the fence and make disparaging comments. All I can say to them is Look, we re making an effort, and we encountered nothing but good-will from the hundreds of people we spoke to before putting the initiative together. We re currently putting a forum together and communities have been working with us in putting it together. They re supportive, and grateful that we re working with them. It s just a beginning upon which we must build.
The forum to which Kieran alludes Drugs in Dublin: working together we can make a difference will be chaired by John Bowman and held in the Dublin Castle Conference Centre on Fri 7th and Sat 8th of February. Among those set to address the conference are President Mary Robinson, Cllr. Brendan Lynch Lord Mayor of Dublin and Dublin City Manager John Fitzgerald. Liz McManus, Minister for Housing and Urban Renewal will provide a Government perspective, while Assistant Garda Commissioner Tom King will speak on behalf of the Gardam. n