A is for Attendance:
Best to get the uglies out of the way early on. Not all courses require a minimum level of attendance to pass, but it’s a good idea to ditch the pub at some stage and make it to a couple of lectures. Just to see what the other half gets up to, you understand. A is also for Alcohol. The Irish government decided that 18 was an appropriate age to be classed as a responsible adult, capable of having a few jars while maintaining the rudiments of composure. Most college freshers are 18 or over. It’s an unfortunate coincidence.

B is for Baked Beans:
A student staple if ever there was one. Unlike most foodstuffs that students abuse their bodies with during the average four years of university, baked beans score high in nutrition, low in fat and can be prepared with a minimal amount of effort. Example: open tin, acquire fork, commence shovelling into mouth. (Heating optional).

C is for Cramming:
Show me a student who starts a project or essay the day he or she is given the task and I’ll show you a mature student. And as for revision? Hah! When plagiarism is just not an option (people can be quite possessive of their work, the swine), write your masterpiece the old fashioned way – at four in the morning! It’s amazing what inspired notions you can conjure up in the haze of exhaustion.

D is for Dr. Phil:
At 11:05 on weekday mornings, Dr. Phil McGraw is every students wake-up call, and not in any silly metaphorical way. 11am is a reasonable time to rouse yourself – and that leaves you a whole 5 minutes to pour some cereal, throw out the gone-off milk and prepare for the Philster’s witty – yet deeply powerful – one-liners, e.g. “You can’t put feathers on a dog and call it a chicken.” So true, Doc, so true. RTE really know how to pick 'em.

E is for Exams:
The exam issue needs to be tackled now because you’ll be amazed at how quickly the bastards can creep up on you. One minute it’s all, “Welcome to college!” and, “Have a free drink!” and, “Join the Ugg Boot Society!” – and the next it’s, “We’re going to test what you’ve learned over the last year and if you fail, your summer will be ruined, forever… or at least for the duration of your summer.”
(See also: R is For Repeats.)

F is for Finances:
Finances will be low. And if they are not, you’re not doing it properly. Jesus, would you just go out and spend a few bob, you miser! Fact is that all of the major banks are at hand to help you through this trying time – and most of them will offer fun stuff like lollipops or a copy of The Irish Bugle to lure you in. Be careful, though – they expect to be paid back.

G is for ‘Gap’ hoodies:
There is no stand-alone Gap store in Ireland, and yet you will see masses and masses of Gap hoodies walking up and down corridors where learned men once paced. Generally there are people lurking somewhere inside these strange, sartorially-challenged specimens. My sources tell me that Gap hoodies are rapidly being replaced by the fetching Abercrombie & Fitch line. Two steps forward, two steps back…

H is for House Party:
A house party is the occasion of choice for students looking to have a jolly old time. Go on, throw one and be damned. The invitee’s responsibility is to Bring Your Own Beer (‘beer’ is used as a general term for alcohol) and perhaps some food (cake and crisps are the preferred choice). The thrower, meanwhile, is obligated to ask more people than could conceivably fit in the premises. Oh, and at some stage in the night, to discover that someone got sick in their bed.

I is for i-Pod:
Almost every student has one. And if they don’t, they should. You can have no end of fun listening to your favourite tracks during lectures. Keep nodding in time to the music, and smiling like a loon, and the professor will love you for agreeing with him – or her – so much. I is also for Internships. A lot of courses these days are patting themselves on the back for the fact that they can teach “practical skills in a working environment”, i.e. they provide internships. Meaning: their students go to a chosen institution for one to six months of (mostly) unpaid work. These colleges are the 21st century’s slave markets and should be avoided at all costs. Since when has the ability to photocopy 20,000 pages a day been considered “practical”?

J is for Joking:
I am, of course, joking. Internships are a great way to get your foot in the door and your career up and running. Why, I’m doing one in a top magazine right now!

K is for Kelloggs:
I don’t want to favour one cereal company over another, but let’s face it: Corn Flakes, Crunchy Nut, Coco Pops, Frosties, Rice Krispies, Start… I think the list speaks for itself. Breakfast? Pah! Handy all-day snack’s what that is.

L is for Library:
Libraries are useful for two reasons: 1) you can take books out for a certain period of time for free, and 2) you can study in them. But libraries are truly vital for only one reason: they are the beating, throbbing heart of social activity in college. Yes indeed! You will talk to the girl you fancy in the library. Of course you will. You will find out about Podge’s house party in the library. Yes, that too. You will catch up on Susie’s summer in San Francisco there. And you most definitely will piss everyone off with your incessant chattering in the library. Now would you please shut up? Thank you.

M is for Map:
What do you mean you don’t know where room AG789 is? It’s the third door down from the second turning to the right as you get out of the elevator between the sixth and eighth floors of the Ag. Science lab which is between the Arg. Science lab and the regular Science lab, which is beside the lake on the opposite side of campus to the pond – the green pond, not the blue pond. The blue pond is in Mexico.

N is for Nightlink:
Good luck! N is also for Newspaper. Most major colleges have their own newspaper, run by and for the students. Which means it comes out about twice a year and is primarily used as insulation.

O is for half an Onion:
For some inexplicable reason, there will always be half an onion wrapped in cling-film in your fridge for the entire duration of your college attendance. This phenomenon can sometimes continue after you’ve left college. In fact onions have been haunting me for years. Can somebody help, please?

P is for Political Activity:
College is a hot-bed of political activity, especially in the more arty universities where they can really get into the whole banner-making thing. Be it Third World debt or high prices in the SU shop, there’ll always be something to protest against.

Q is for Qualifications:
The sooner you get lots of these the sooner you will be eligible for a job. Studying Proust will provide you with hardly any. Hoorah!

R is for Repeats:
There’s no better way to ruin a summer than to fail the end-of-year exams and have to re-sit them at some highly inappropriate time – for example, right slap bang in the middle of a proposed trip around Eastern Mongolia. The only way to avoid such a catastrophe is to pass in the first place, which involves a lot of cramming (see: C). Sorry.

S is for Soc:
Soc is not what you put on your foot – it’s short for Society, and the number of societies in any one third level institution is limitless. So screw joining them; why not set one up? It could be a great way of snaffling some free stuff as well as winning friends, gaining respect and, I’m sure, getting laid. Also it looks great on the CV – under ‘Experience’ you can put, "Founder, Treasurer and Operations Manager of the Television Appreciation Society. Responsibilities include: accurately recounting the plot line of missed episodes of Eastenders, buying the RTE Guide and organising college Podge & Rodge fests.” S is also for Sex. Sadly, most students know nothing about it. Please turn to Anne Sexton’s column for information and advice (well, you gotta start somewhere).

T is for Tea:
Students drink lots of tea. Fact. They also spill a lot of it – especially when they have been drinking lots of other stuff first. In that condition, some of them have even been known to smoke tea. Worth a go, I guess...

U is for Utilities:
Much like the marines, students live on the bare essentials. A kettle, for example, is the student’s best friend as it can boil water for tea (see: T), pot noodles, hot water bottles and sterilisation. That’s hydration, fuel, warmth and sanitation taken care of with one mighty tool. The iron, on the other hand, is almost completely useless: when was the last time you survived on a wrinkle-free white shirt? Other examples of unimportant utilities: ironing board (obviously), blender (be a man and eat your food whole), more than one knife (you say “parer”; I say “very small bread knife”), and cheese grater (use the bread knife).

V (Is) For Vendetta:
This is only one of the movies that might be shown by the Film Soc during the academic year. You could do a lot worse...

W is for Wok:
A wok is a kind of culinary multi-tasker. You can cook an enormous volume of vegetables, meat and poultry with a wok. And it’s easy. Heat up the wok, throw in the oil, chuck in your chosen ingredients, starting with onions and carrots so that they have a little longer to cook – and stir-fry away to your heart’s content. Sure, you’ll be doing Gordon Ramsay out of a job in no time.

X is for X-Ray:
You will end up in the A&E at least once during your studies. It could be a sports injury – but more probably it will be the result of a dare. That goes wrong.

Y is for Yeah Yeah Yeahs:
And other such bands you must name-drop when meeting fellow students. It is also for Yoghurt, one of the essential student foods. Get probiotic natural – it’s better for you that the sweeter production-line stuff. You can also try licking it off your partner (See S above)

Z is for Zeitgeist:
Lots of people think they are in touch with the Zeitgeist. These people are wankers. And on that note...