In September 26th two teams will face each other down. It will be the culmination of months, nay lifetimes, of gruelling training, intense dedication and relentless ball-work in all weathers. But just in case you can’t make the Warrnambool district Lawn Croquet play-offs, there’s always the All-Ireland Championship. (Okay, I know the latter is the more exciting prospect, so don’t write in.)

Given that Kerry fans have had to make do with a mere 6,100 stand tickets – it would have been one thousand less, but for their involvement in the Minor clash against Tyrone – it’s rather unlikely that most of you will have scored a pass for the glorious Kerry and Mayo showdown. Well, unless of course, you’re from the Corporate Sector with their whopping 17,000 ticket allocation. (Hush now, did somebody say the People’s Game?). Chances are, then, you’ll be catching the event in the televisual company of GAA demi-god-turned-presenter Pat Spillane.
Alongside fellow Titans Mike Sheehy, ‘Bomber’ Liston and John Egan, this ebullient warrior-like forward from Mick O’ Dwyer’s immortal 1975-’86 Kerry side kicked his way into history, earning eight All-Ireland senior football medals, four National League medals and eight GAA All-Star awards, the highest awarded in either football or hurling. The last decade has seen Pat seamlessly transfer his frequently mischievous skills into the arena of football punditry, finally landing the anchor gig on RTE’s Sunday Game this season. This poses something of a challenge for Mr. Spillane, for his non-partisan duties will require that he hold his tongue as The Kingdom take the field on the 26th, and as I discovered during our recent meeting, that’s akin to asking a beaver to knock back the valium and go lie in a hammock.
“No”, he laughs, “You won’t be hearing any opinions from me now. Up until last year, I was a pundit, and I got a name for rubbing people up the wrong way. So I was the poor man’s Eamon Dunphy, except he got all the money and I got all the abuse. I’ve had so many rows with people. I mean football in this country is a very serious business. Especially in the Northern Counties, because you can slag off a Meath man and it’s water off a duck’s back, but slag off an Armagh man, and you’re attacking his community and his nationalism. It’s a much bigger picture, and down here we can’t really understand that.”
Ah, this would be a reference to Pat’s notoriously sniffy attitude to what he terms ‘puke football’, the closed defensive play associated with Armagh’s triumphant 2002 side and Tyrone’s victorious efforts the following year. Indeed, the Kerry great has carved out something of a niche with his disparaging (and admittedly hilarious) witticisms on the newly dominant Ulster scene, and is often heard dispensing such classic sportscaster quips as “The first half was even, and the second half was even worse.”
Pat insists, however, that it’s not entirely grim up North, and he’s particularly effusive about the fantastically brilliant county that spawned yours truly. “Joe Brolly always says that Fermanagh people are the nicest in Ireland, and I’ve never met a man to disagree” he gushes. “That was why they never won anything. They were just too nice. But the Fermanagh team this year gave me back my faith in football, because nowadays there’s no stone left unturned – you have statisticians and psychologists and dieticians – and the game is overanalysed with too much time being spent shutting down the opposition. Fermanagh turned up this year, and they played with gay abandon, just fifteen fellahs that wanted to play football. They were a joy. No negative play, none of this cynical stuff where the referee is blowing the whistle every two minutes.”
Not like two other Ulster counties we could mention then?
“No”, he smiles, “But sure the more I slag them, and the more it upsets them, the more after-dinner speeches I get invited to do in the North. I get to stand up and say ‘As part of the All-Ireland four-in-a-row winning squad of 1978-1981, and the three-in-a-row winning squad of 1984-’86, I’d just like to congratulate the Tyrone one-in-a-row of 2003.’ So there’s a happy ending for me at least, because I’m getting paid more.”
The current vogue for defensive play has recently impacted beyond the Ulster boundary, presenting something of a conundrum for Jack O’Connor’s Kerry squad. As team captain Dara O’Cinneide has pointed out two years ago, Kerry were playing “dream team football” and not quite doing the business. This season they’ve dispensed with “the beautiful game” in favour of a more efficient game plan. The strategy has earned them a place in the finale, but many Kerry supporters are disgruntled by the lack of spectacle, an understandable complaint when one considers how frequently the 1975-’86 vintage was compared to Brazil with their dazzling skills and swift pace. So are Kerry the new Germany, or worse, have they descended to playing ‘puke football’?
“Well, I did give out about Kerry this year”, explains Pat, “they decided that imitation was the sincerest form of flattery, and if the Armagh and Tyrone fellahs are winning this way, then so will we. Now, they haven’t quite gone to the same extremes, but against Limerick they played horrible football. Then again, the thing about Kerry supporters is that they’re never happy. They were a bit spoiled when we were bringing back the Sam Maguire every year. But when we were winning medals, people said ‘Yeah, but it’s not like the great football of the olden days’, and now they’re saying ‘it’s not like the lovely football of the ‘80s’. I think now, they’ll just be happy to get a win. That said, I have Kerry running through my veins, but I’d prefer to win with a bit of style.”
Yes, but I sincerely doubt that Mr. Spillane would prefer to lose magnificently on the day. “No way”, he exclaims, “You can have all the principles you like, but when it comes to your own they’ll go out the window. Alright so, I’ll take the ugly win!”
Now that the son of Pat’s former team-mate ‘Ogie’ Moran will be assuming the Kerry colours in the Minor final, I wonder if we can expect to see any younger Spillanes in green and gold anytime soon? “Well, my two eldest children are girls”, he smiles, “and Jesus, when they were born people actually said things like ‘Sure, better luck next time’. It was desperate. But one of the girls plays, and so does my young son. Now we’ve brandished him with the name Pat, but I’ve no interest in pushing him into football. If he wants to, that’s great, but if he’s healthy and happy, I don’t care if he wants to be a gay ballerina.”
So there you have it. Pat Spillane – footballer, commentator, raconteur, humorist and parent extraordinaire. And yes, he does think Kerry will “just shade it” on the big day.