The Truth About Oasis

That was a cracking good interview with Liam Gallagher by my old mucker, the rock ‘n’ roll chef, Stuart ‘Stewpot’ Clark, in the last issue of this here organ.
The opening sentence could well be the greatest in the entire history of the written word. I quote: “Twenty-four fucks, seven shits, five cunts, three wankers, one knobhead and a willy.” You’d get through at least a year’s subscription of The Irish Catholic before you’d find a better kick-off to an article than that.
Put it to music and you’d have a nice alternative to the ‘12 Days Of Christmas’. And just imagine Enya singing it with all those hushed, heavenly harmonies. So, yes, the Gallagher rap was a fine example of the giving of good rock ‘n’ roll quote. Though not the first, and far from the best. Recall my other old mucker, Ian Dury, who managed to fit a whole string of expletives undeleted into the opening line of an actual song. All together now: “Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and pricks”. Lovely. Even better, the late, great Dury later revealed that he strongly disapproved of the use of bad language which was why, he explained, he’d decided to get all the swear words on ‘New Boots And Panties’ out of the way in what we might call one foul swoop. A class act, old Ian, and we still miss him. But does Liamo belong in the same exalted company? Sadly, once he stops yapping, his case falls limply to the ground.
Rolling Stone
Sure, it’s rare old fun to see the kid dissing all those supposed pretenders to the Oasis throne. The idiotic Pete Doherty and Kate Moss? “A rent boy who lets his missus sing with him,” according to Liamo. Here we must pause for a digression: if, like many, you’re surprised that the ubiquitous and very lovely Kate has somehow failed to hitch up with the man poor Pete would really love to be – the one and only Keef – well, of course, there’s a simple explanation: a rolling stone gathers no moss. Remember where you read it first.
Anyway, back to Liamo in full rant. Chris Martin? “I listened to X&Y the other day and it’s shit.” Franz Ferdinand? “Cunts”. Bloc Party? “Whiney cunts”. Foghat: “The greatest fucking live band in the world”. (Are you sure about this one? – Ed).
In short, LG proclaims: “The secret of our success is that we still piss all over the opposition.”
Which is fine, except that’s it’s completely, totally and spectacularly untrue.
I mean, have you actually heard ‘Lola’? Or ‘Lino’. Or ‘Lyla’, or whatever the fuck it’s called. I have. In fact, I first heard it about 35 years ago, when it used to be called ‘Street Fighting Man’. If Oasis keep progressing at this rate, it’ll only be another couple of albums before they’re rewriting ‘Rock Around The Clock’.
It’s time for your Uncle Sam to lay it on the line: the truth about Oasis is that they are musical giants only in their own fevered little Mancunian imaginations.
Have you ever seen a “big” band with less stage presence? There’s Liamo, hands behind his back, feet glued to the floor, exuding all the rock ‘n’ roll charisma of Roger Whittaker, but without the excellent whistling.
There’s Noel, staring at the neck of his guitar like he’s just discovered it for the first time, and singing into his own chest like the world’s most inept street busker. And then there are the other fellows, whoever the fuck they are from gig to gig.
No wonder Liam thinks Foghat are shit hot. (Are you really sure about this? – Ed).
Positively Stonking
And still the poor deluded sods think they are the greatest rock ‘n’ roll band in the world. In advance of Live 8, Liamo was explaining how sorry he was that Oasis would be unable to grace the event. I don’t have the exact quote to hand but I believe he said something like: “I’d love if we could fucking do just, like, two fucking songs, man, drive the fucking crowd fucking mad, and then walk offstage and say to all the other fucking bands, follow that you fucking twats.” (Again, I’m paraphrasing – he may have said “three fucking songs”).
Anyway, I don’t think so, Liamo. Like any sensible person, Sam only tuned into Live 8 late on for my old muckers The Who. Now, let’s be honest, much as I love them, Roger and Pete are now so old that you’d basically have to carbon-date their first single to establish its precise year of release. And yet there they were, up well past their Complan time, frankly stealing the whole show from your Kaiser Chiefs and all the other invertebrates, with a positively stonking ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’.
Think Oasis could stand that kind of heat? Oi fink not.
No, the truth about Oasis is that they, once upon a time, lucked into a handful of singalong anthems which makes them, not the greatest rock ‘n’ roll band in the world or anything like it, but a combo which might once have made a reasonable support act for the mighty Slade.
And this is Liamo’s definititon of “pissing all over the opposition”? I suppose that’s what comes from hitching your star to Manchester City.