How Not To Do Electric Picnic

EP is like opening up the best picnic basket of delicious fruits, of creativity and fun. However, the BIGGEST thing I learnt from my first Electric Picnic – 35 is the new festival ready/or not age, in case you didn’t know – was HOW NOT TO DO ELECTRIC PICNIC.

Friends, I made a complete mess of it in 2019, so that you don’t have to in 2020.

So (roll of drums, please), here is the one and only six-point, infallible guide to How Not To Do Electric Picnic. Why six point? Haven’t you ever heard of the Joy of Six?...

1. Don’t trust your phone – that little rectangular thing that runs your life knows that this gig is a big deal and will likely try to sabotage your social plans / work / communication efforts through an all-out strike, MIA incident or point-blank refusal to charge. Instead hire a carrier pigeon or write down your friends number ON PAPER (whatsapp my arse!) and place inside a waterproof container.

2. Don’t wing your return-home plans – Laois doesn’t generally have 60,000 people hanging out in a field, and so getting home is not as easy as jumping a fence. Instead listen to your dad when he panics about your flexi coming home arrangements. Get that bus ticket sorted!

3. Don’t bring a thirsty tent that will want to drink the rain faster than you drank your first 10 cans. Instead pitch it on the rainiest day March has to offer, pay your younger sibling, cousin or child a tenner (or preferably a fiver) to sleep in it. If they are bone dry in the morning you’re good to go. Maybe.

4. Don’t go on your period, period. However, if you must, please, oh please, don’t wear light denim short shorts!! It’s ok: as it happens, I was wearing a “Dignity” sticker at the time. Instead arrange for your period to arrive 5 days after your return. If periods aren’t your thing, if you notice someone evidently with theirs, be a pal and pass them a can.

5. Don’t wait until the day you're going home to discover the Body and Soul area – this will be your friend when you (a) can’t find your own; (b) are hungover; (c) feeling the fear OR all three. Instead hit it early to be inspired, make new friends (shout out to Seán & Emily) – oh, and bring your suit suit to jump in a seaweed bath. Ah... bliss…

6. Finally don’t – for the love of God – DON’T book a 4-hour train journey with a toddler (or anyone who’s likely to have more energy than you) for the morning after. Instead book yourself into a spa or onto a sofa, avoiding all responsibility until further notice while you recover, reminisce and get ready to re-book for next year!

I’m coming for you in 2020, Stradbally. You have been warned…

• Tickets for Electric Picnic 2020 go on sale on Saturday, 8 September, 2019