Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
Raoul Moat.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
Dean Martin.

Favourite saying?
I’m ahead if I can quit while I’m behind.

Favourite record?
‘Do You Believe In Magic?’ by The Pogues.

Favourite book?
Museum Without Walls by Jonathan Meades.

Favourite film?
Rio Bravo.

Favourite author?
Nelson Algren.

Favourite actor / actress?
My shortened list is James Cagney, Doris Day, Warren Oates, John Wayne and Jodie Foster.

Favourite musician?
Narrowed down – my favourite musical is the human voice – I’d go for Elvis, Sterling Morrison, Van Morrison, Dion DiMucci and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
I inadvertently blanked Chet Baker in Amsterdam.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
Food – Ossobuco. Drink – martini, or if non-alcoholic, Coca Cola or a nice cup of tea.

TV programme?
The Simpsons.

Favourite TV personality?
Geoffrey Wansell, Roy Keane, all the experts on Antiques Road Trip, Michael Portillo.

Roy Keane. Credit: Sky Sports Premier League (YouTube)

Favourite item of clothing?
My most meaningful items are a Tootal scarf from Tony Flynn, and a Harris Tweed newsboy cap designed by Nikki Sixx for Irena Dratva – a great New York hatter.

Most desirable date?
My wife, Evie.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Watching television, reading, or sauntering or cycling, going nowhere slowly.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
Eye surgeon.

Biggest thrill?
My first bicycle.

Biggest disappointment?
The day I found out that Mount Rushmore isn’t a natural phenomenon.

Photo: Jim Bowen

Your concept of heaven?
Exactly the life I have, all taking place in a golden city beyond the clouds.

Your concept of hell?
A place of relentless change.

What would be your dying words?
“What the... AAAARGH!!!!”

Greatest ambition?
I got it all.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
I’m happy with the timeframe I was allotted. Had I been born two years previously, I would have died of tuberculosis, but thanks to the discovery of streptomycin that wasn’t the case. Plus we had all the great pleasures of life: rock & roll, cars, television, nice clothes and movies. We enjoyed all of these things without a side order of shame.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be?
A bush baby.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
Shit my pants, burst into tears and run to confession.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
Charlie Watts and Frank Sinatra.

Charlie Watts

Favourite term of abuse?
Wanker.

Biggest fear?
The progress and the collapse of civilisation.

Humanity’s most useful invention?
The car.

Humanity’s most useless invention?
The speed bump (it only punishes the innocent).

• Dr John Cooper Clarke plays the Millennium Forum, Derry (May 8); Mandela Hall, Belfast (10); Seamus Heaney HomePlace, Bellaghy (11); 3Olympia Theatre, Dublin (14); Dolan's Warehouse, Limerick (15); Black Box Theatre, Galway (16); Set Theatre, Kilkenny (18); and Cyprus Avenue, Cork (19). See his full list of dates at johncooperclarke.com