Christmas: A Time For Robbery

Xmas is coming to Bethlehem, and so are 40,000 Zionist thieves. The Hebrew-language daily Ma’ariv reports that the Israeli Ministry of the Interior has approved the construction of 14,000 housing units on three square kilometres of Palestinian land at the edge of the town. This would be the biggest single seizure of Palestinian land since 1967.

The land on which it’s proposed to build is owned by Palestinians in the Bethlehem suburb of Al-Walaja, already hemmed in by the settlements of Gilo and Gush Etzion.
Ma’ariv says that the project enjoys the full support of the Government of Binymin Netanyahu.
The planned settlement would be entirely illegal in international law. But, as per usual, there has been no outcry from what is laughably known as “the international community”, much less threats of sanctions or hints of military action.
The Israeli defence of the project is as breathtaking as ever in its brazenness. Many of the homes in Al-Walaja, says the Interior Ministry, were built without licences from the Israeli authorities. So they can legally be demolished and the families living in them tossed onto the roadside. Since their homes were unlicensed, they will be entitled to no compensation but may be charged for the cost of demolition.
Perhaps some of them will find mangers in stables to kip on.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
Woman out for a winter stroll along the banks of the Foyle sees a frog with a hind leg tangled in brambles. Ordinarily she might pass on. But it’s the season of peace and goodwill to all creatures. So she reaches down and frees the stricken amphibian. The frog says, “Thanks, Missus, for a while there I thought I was going to croak,” then offers her three Xmas wishes.
“Thing is”, cautions the frog, “everything you ask for, your husband will receive ten times over.”
“Fair enough”, she says. “I want to be the richest woman in Ireland.”
“But your husband will be 10 times richer... Still want to go ahead?”
“Fire away”, replies the woman. And it is done.
“Second, I want to be the most beautiful woman in Ireland.”
“I’d be careful”, advises the potential French starter. “You realise your husband will be 10 times more beautiful?”
“No problem”, she shrugs.
“OK”, says the frog, “And your final wish?”
“I’d like a mild heart-attack.”

I have heard it said that oral sex always makes an acceptable last-minute present, but I’m not sure. Don’t most of us want something different at Xmas? A course of lessons in masturbation strikes me as a more imaginative gift idea.
Many readers might think that a hands-on approach to sexuality comes naturally. And maybe so, for some. But I can recall coming close to serious injury when trying to follow Big Jackie Stewart’s instructions on how to change hands without losing a stroke. Today’s adolescents can avoid dangers of this sort by studying the manual issued by the education authorities of the progressive Spanish region of Extremadura.
The campaign, approved by the youth and women’s affairs department of the local socialist government and launched under the slogan, “Pleasure is in your own hands”, aims to teach young people how safely and efficiently to set about “sexual self-exploration and the discovery of self-pleasure.”
“This is an intimate subject that should be dealt with at home,” complained Hernández Carrón, leader of the right-wing opposition People’s Party, who obviously hasn’t been in touch for some considerable time. How many young people in Extremadura or Ennis would feel comfortable asking their parents to show them how it’s done?
The campaign includes leaflets and flyers to be distributed in youth clubs and after-hours schools sessions, a “fanzine” featuring interviews with well-known wankers (what a bonus it is to be able to use that venerable word in a non-pejorative context), and workshops in which young people will receive instruction in self-pleasuring techniques, along with advice on “contraception and respect for one’s self”.
Pilar Rahola, a sniffy columnist in La Vanguardia newspaper, jeers that Extremadura “may have the most unemployed young people in Spain, but they will be the best at masturbation.” What’s his point, I wonder?

New evidence comes to hand that religion could be the death of you.
A study by University of Ulster researcher Dr Tony Cassidy provides scientific confirmation of the common-sense view that people who believe that faith might heal them are more likely to die from disease than those who rely solely on medical treatment.
Dr Cassidy and his team questioned 766 people about their belief in the efficacy of faith and prayer and about their adherence to doctors’ advice. Hardly unexpectedly, he discovered that the more profound the belief in the power of the supernatural, the greater the likelihood of medical diagnoses and prescription being ignored.
“It’s important that health care professionals understand their patients’ beliefs about alternative remedies, such as faith healing, so that they can anticipate when patients may not stick to medical advice,” he observes.
Quite so. And, he might logically have added, given that the public services are desperately strapped for cash, doctors should consider introducing a form of ideological means-testing, dispensing cheapo placebos to believers in religion while reserving scientifically-proven medicines for those who can confidently be expected to use them.
And, again, to those thinking of buying a pet for a child – remember: Jesus is only for Xmas, but a puppy is for life.