Ben Elton – Mad Hatter Q&A: "The best groomed man I ever knew was Rod Stewart. He’s always turned out to perfection"

Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?
Donald Trump.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
Family aside, I’d summon Rik Mayall down from Comedy Valhalla. What a party that would be.

Favourite saying?
After my mum first saw me gig, she said, “Benjy, the ‘F’ word is all very well as an exclamation mark, but it’s very little use as a comma”.

Favourite record?
I could name a hundred. So I’ll say ‘Living Doll’ by Cliff Richard and The Young Ones because I got a gold disc for it.

Favourite book?
My wedding album.

Favourite film?
Currently, The Zone Of Interest. Historically, Spinal Tap (or 50 others).

Favourite author?
PG Wodehouse.

Favourite actor / actress?
Currently, the cast of Succession. But ask me another day and it’ll be different.

Favourite musician?
The Beatles (that won’t change).

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
Maybe having really shitty psoriasis. Not really a ‘moment’, more like 30 years of being embarrassed to expose my leprous-looking body on a beach, but I have good medication now.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
I’ll say a pint of Guinness because it’s all three.

TV programme?
For pure, good-spirited, joyful relaxation, I’ll say Would I Lie To You. It always delivers.

Favourite TV personality?
Morecambe and Wise.

Favourite item of clothing?
A dinner suit, love a black tie occasion.

Most desirable date?
When my wife and I play the free pass game, I say Kristen Stewart, but I don’t think she’d be interested for any number of reasons.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Great dinner, lots of booze, family and friends. Every time.

Biggest thrill?
Scoring twins on our third try at IVF, then getting a bonus au naturale.

Biggest disappointment?
Not being able to play guitar.

Your concept of heaven?
It’s a place on Earth.

Your concept of hell?
Ditto.

What would be your dying words?
“Oh, go on then, just one more glass of red and maybe a bit more of that cheddar”.

Greatest ambition?
To not lose my marbles.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
I think about this one all the time. And yes, being a boy, I do think about the Roman Empire. But today, I’ll go and see The Beatles play The Cavern for the first time after Ringo joined.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be?
One of the thinking, talking ones in Narnia.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
Get pissed.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
I don’t really think about stuff like that, but the best groomed man I ever knew was Rod Stewart. He’s always turned out to perfection.

Rod Stewart at Royal Hospital Kilmainham. Copyright Jason Doherty.

Favourite term of abuse?
Gotta be the ‘C’ Word. Critic.

Biggest fear?
Donald Trump.

Humanity’s most useful invention?
Fermentation.

Humanity’s most useless invention?
The internet. I mean obviously it’s useful, but I don’t think online banking is sufficient compensation for the death of truth.

• Ben Elton’s Authentic Stupidity tour comes to Ulster Hall, Belfast on October 31; and 3Olympia, Dublin on November 1.