This Is Not a Test!

Of course any album so named begs a review headlined “This Is Not The Best”. I can’t quite do it.
Still, give me a week – the more I’ve listened, the less I’ve liked This Is Not A Test.
I admire it, as I admired 2001’s MDMA-driven Miss E…So Addictive, now sitting on the shelf for two years after two plays. State of the art in both production and putdowns can’t sustain interest for much more than a weekend, and much as I want to hang with the cool kids – Damon Albarn named his firstborn after Missy Elliott – the same is happening here.
The singles, ‘Pass That Dutch’ and ‘Wake Up’, open the album. Jay-Z joins up on the latter, a rocking and hilariously hypocritical piece of anti-capitalist social comment. His announcement that “My kick aims just like David Beckham” nearly ran me off the road the first time I heard it – my god is there no escape? (And you thought ‘Roy’s Keen’ was weird.)
‘Is This Our Last Time’ is fantastic, as Missy mourns in proper no-bullshit adult language the slow death of a sexual relationship. Longing mixes vividly and authentically with resentment; a bitter “Why don’t you fuck me like before?” is what it comes down to in the end. Initially arresting, ‘Toyz’ and ‘Pump It Up’ stick to sexual politics, but comically and even snidely so; the disdain becomes wearing, and the ultra-precise, clipped, sometimes oppressive production doesn’t bring you back when the joke’s worn thin.
This is a cool record alright; not much warmth though. Too much cool is a sort of death.