The Monster Raving Lonney Party

Instruction to readers: Please adopt smarmy, TV presenter's accent before starting.

YOU HAVE joined us just in time to meet the participants before the start of this no-holds-barred, winner-takes-it-all, blood-and-guts-and-beer extravaganza. The venue for tonight's programme is a room with a big table and a window, in the Mean Fiddler, that well-known London live music emporium. A motley (but not smelly) crowd of managers, press officers, tape machine technicians, alcoholics, models, insurance brokers and Gameboy addicts have gathered to witness this, the First Indie Rock Challenge. (Imagine clapping and cheering from the audience here, including some hoots of derision)

Let's greet the players, shall we?

In the blue corner sit the champions, Carter USM. The Unstoppable Sex Machine, the machine they all rage about - and yet JimBob and Fruitbat just sit there, calm, stubbled, collected. Can we have a camera on Jim Fruit and Bob Bat, please? Top Of The Pops will be on the TV in less than an hour and they'll be in there ("between Cilla Black and some videos"), lashing through 'Lean On Me', the current single release from album number four (that's one more than three) Post Historic Monsters.

And if the last one went into the charts at number one, well . . . Yesterday Peckham, today Top Of The Pops, tomorrow a few weeks in Benidorm with some of Princess Di's schoolmates and a free bar. Yawn, it's soooo easy. Carter, then, can be excused for the slightly smug looks they bring with them to this contest. I mean, take a look at what's in the other corner. Cameras, please!

In the red corner recline/slouch/sit/jump around Blink. I imagine the scriptwriter wanted me to pick a suitable verb out of that lot but I'm too stupid for that so not to worry. Carry on! There are four of them. Eager as cats on hot tin roofs with Dunnes Stores' slippers on, fresh-faced, innocent, naive and Irish. Ask them a question and they'll answer it. Yes indeed, it's simple really. (More hoots of derision and laughter form the crowd.)

Barry plays the drums and knows more than is humanly possible for one man to know about Italian football. Robbie plays the keyboards, bangs a cymbal or two and likes to go scuba-diving off the coast of Kerry. Brian plays the bass guitar, is a man of few words and is a sound bloke entirely, apart from his big toe which unfortunately isn't very sound since he injured it in a football match when he was five. Dermot sings, whistles and plays a guitar with six strings. Occasionally he swears onstage. He does not do drugs.

They have released two singles, are about to record their debut album with that master of post-modern-ambient-techno-etherealism-with-bells-on Steve Hillage, and will be touring with Carter during October. Blink are here to find out what the rock business is all about, what it's like to be a top indie sensation and how easy it will be for them to take over. They look ready for action - although what kind of action I'm not really sure. (Cheers and laughter from the audience)

Between the two contestants rests a major label tape recorder (it's a Sony). There's a tape in it and it's ready to record. Blink will ask the questions (as written down by various members of the band on the back of various cigarette packets, Carter will reply and there will be some interruptions from either side as the lavish supply of beer diminishes and the evening goes on.

The questions are informed, intelligent and incisive, the answers clear, highly informative and educated. At least, they were in the script for this goddamned purgatory of a programme and the audience - that's you - will either crack up or fall asleep. (Sounds of people snoring) A final check on the tape-machine, lights, cameras, action and we're off . . .

The Opening Round

Robbie: What's it like on "Top Of The Pops"?

Jim Bob: Really good - you get to meet pop stars. Except we didn't. Kenny Thomas, he was there, and Cilla Black. It was her first time on TOTP in 20 odd years.

Fruitbat: But we didn't get to meet her. She had an entourage of about 10 minders and managers with her all the time. There was actually someone with her who had a tape-recorder and was taping all the conversations.

JB: She can't sing either.

FB: Yeah, she really fucked it up, didn't she? She wanted to do it again.

Dermot: Do you get three takes?

FB: You get a soundcheck, two dress rehearsals and then it's the real thing.

Barry interrupts to reminisce about the time Marillion were on TOTP. Remember Marillion? Barry does. Everyone stares at him. "Next question Rob."

Dermot: Have you ever considered using a live drummer? (Turns to the others - "ah fuck, who put that one in?")

JB: I take it the German put that one in. We're always asked that question by Germans.

FB: And the answer is yeah, we've considered using a live drummer and no, we haven't yet (much laughter and chortles at this).

Robbie: Would you do a (pause), what does that say, blank blank, for Amnesty International? What's that Barry?

JB: A sponsored walk?

Brian: A milk run?

Robbie: No, no it says sponsored haircut. Who put that one in?

JB: That's a Melody Maker question, that is. How did that get in? Nah, I'd just give them the money and keep me hair.

Dermot: Do you really hate Lenny Kravitz and Terence Trent D'Arby?

FB: No, not really. We did when we wrote the song, though. They're actually established figures and . . .

JB: Actually I hate Terence Trent D'Arby more than Lenny Kravitz. I hate what both of them represent - the music business. I hate all the people at the top, all of them, all the marketing people.

Barry: Do you consider yourselves to have a good knowledge of the music business?

FB: You keep learning. You keep learning how despicable the whole thing is. The more you find out, the more disgusted you are at how things work. And then you go to America and it's the real pits.

JB: The gigs in America were brilliant but having to deal with all the handshaking and bullshit was awful.

FB: When you're over there, you're told by all of them that you're the best band in the world, that they love the record. Three months later, it's someone else. Now, they won't even release the album. But we don't really care - we're more interested in places like Australia.

JB: We don't sell a lot of records there but it's far more interesting than America.

Dermot: What's your relationship like with Chrysalis now that EMI have taken over?

JB: The relationship with Chrysalis is alright. Our relationship with EMI is more distant. We were in their offices once and won't be going in again. It's about as corporate as it gets. You can talk to people at Chrysalis but at EMI, it's all 'product' and 'units'.

Dermot: What do Sony call it? Oh yea, 'software originator'.

JB: Our A&R man came down to the studio when we were recording. It was the first time anyone from the company had come down and he said 'are you still originating?'.

Barry: I'll go blind if I keep originating (interview collapses into laughter).

JB: I mean, we get on alright with our A&R man but they're not the people who sign the bands. With us, it was a talent scout who was interested at the start and who persistently stuck with us. Eventually he has to give you to someone else who signs you and takes all the credit.

The Sell Out Round

Dermot: Where do you draw the line between commerciality and success?

FB: Well, we turned down money to do a Lucozade ad because they're part of Beechams but we did the music for a KP Peanuts' ad.

JB: Because we needed the money and they don't get tested on animals. We've already had letters saying you've betrayed us because you did an ad for KP Peanuts. But I can't even be arsed to defend it, we needed the money to do the tour.

FB: On the other hand, loads of people have come up and have said 'I really like that ad'.

JB: If someone offers you £50,000 to borrow the beginning of your record, you can spend that money on something useful.

Barry: Those letters, I mean why the fuck should you have to defend what you do to survive? You have to have a house to live in, food to eat, clothes on your back.

Dermot: Therapy? got loads of flak when they signed their major deal.

JB: From people who wanted Therapy? to remain their pet band.

Barry: And who were probably driven to Therapy? gigs by their mums in Jaguars or BMWs. What have you said to those people who've written to you? I mean, do you just throw their letters in the fire?

FB: We have written 'fuck off' letters to some people, we do reply to every letter we get. And if someone is that annoyed about it, we just say fuck off, if you don't want to buy the records, don't buy them.

JB: But that was probably about twice.

FB: And we only ever got three letters.

The People We Know Round

Jim-Bob has picked up the list of questions: "Tell us about your relationship with Simon Painter"

FB: How the fuck did you lot know about that?

JB: He's always there when we make a record. We've always used him, we don't really see him otherwise (laughs). When we went in to do the first Carter demo, he was the engineer and we've stuck with him ever since. But he can't get any other work. After the last album went to number one, he put out this advert looking for work, giving all his details, including a number one album. He didn't get any replies so he went back to doing demos. He's much different to us. He's really quiet and shy.

FB: Sensible, intelligent, sexy.

JB: He did that Rainbow theme rave thing. They were aiming for a number one and it got to number 99. We took the piss out of him for ages during recording over that.

Barry: Would you hit Philip Scholfield again if you met him? (FB had an altercation with Mr. Scholfield during an earlier encounter)

FB: No, I'd probably run like fuck because he'd have some big boys with him. Actually, what happened was real spontaneous. He'd been winding people up all day and I'd gotten really drunk. Everyone else was really pissed off about him and I was the only one who did anything about it. My mind snapped and I just did it. JB: I didn't know anything about it until we were thrown out. I was about to be arrested and I was going "for what?"

Robbie: Do you both write lyrics?

FB: Well . . .

JB: You should hear his lyrics (FB does not look happy)

FB: You should hear his music (JB smirks)

JB: 'The Man Who Rode The Tiger', that was one of yours, that was good. And what about 'Maria's Umbrella'? That was about a girl who loses her umbrella, the umbrella was called Maria. And there were a few others, all with the word 'garden' in them. But he can't pronounce 'garden', it's more like "the lions are in the gaurdianne." He makes Kurt Cobain sound intelligent.

FB: We've met Kurt.

JB: Yeah, we met Nirvana once when they were in the office ages ago. They wanted to pack it all in and go back to college because they weren't getting anywhere. So I sold them some smack and introduced them to Courtney Love.

The "TV - The Drug Of the Nation" Round

Dermot: Are you pissed off at Stephen Spielberg stealing your cover for his film?

JB: It's sub judice so we can't talk about it. We picked that up from L.A. Law.

Dermot: I picked up the alphabet from Sesame Street. L, M, N, O - I thought that was ''ella, ella pee'. (Looks around at the others) It's a long story.

Robbie: I'd get to T and go back to M again. Q, R, S, T, M, N, O . . .

JB: So you haven't finished it yet then?

Dermot: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches - that was also from Sesame Street.

Barry: Do you get your folks to video your TV appearances?

JB: Yeah, I do. I get everything videotaped. He (nods to FB) doesn't. It's the only chance you get to see it, to find out why people think you were such a twat the night before. I videoed you lot from that Electric Ballroom programme.

Dermot: Ah, that whole thing was crap. Poxy programme, shite sound - I don't know why Channel 4 bought it. They must have got it cheap.

The On The Road Round

Barry: How many pairs of underpants do you go through on tour?

Robbie: Yeah, like, when you're away on tour for three or four weeks, who does your washing? Where do you get it done? (Much laughter from the audience, who have just wakened up)

FB: You just get the local crew to sort it out or else buy new stuff.

JB: I wash my own stuff or throw it away. Everyone else gets Big Al the t-shirt man to do it. He's alright, he is, he's top.

Barry: We were discussing this earlier on do you ever get those irritating itches from certain washing powders?

FB: No, but I know a man who does.

Dermot: Do you get nervous before a gig?

FB: I never used to, but now I do. Lately I've been nervous before every gig.

JB: I start throwing up. Last gig we did, I puked up by the side of the stage before we went on. It was horrible at the time but I felt great afterwards. I get really nervous, more so when there are less people there.

FB: I get mental blocks.

JB: I find it quite hard to talk before a gig. I just don't want to talk to anyone.

Barry: I don't know if it's because I'm really anxious about touring or what but I'm getting really flash moody. I'm really happy one minute, like an antichrist the next.

Dermot: Have you ever left a stage early to have a piss?

FB: I used to do it to wind him up.

JB: I've never done it but he's done it in front of 4,000 people. At the end of the set and before the encore, he went off. I'm left standing by the side of the stage, waiting for him to come back. It's one of these huge sports-halls and the toilet is like three miles away. Eventually the crowd stop clapping and I've got to go back on. The only thing to say is sorry, he had to go for a piss.

FB: You even did a song by yourself, didn't you?

JB: Yeah, because it turned out to be a fucking dump.

Barry: Do you ever want to change your name and go to some small poxy pub and play in front of a really small crowd?

JB: We've done it not that long ago in Europe. I wouldn't want to do it in Britain.

FB: Whenever we want to get to where we were before, we just go somewhere else. We played to less than 50 people in Texas.

JB: We did it for so long in Britain, just playing toilets. a lot of them are nice places but they're run by gangsters who just won't do them up.

The Media Round

Barry: Does it bother you if you know that there's going to be a big piece going to be done about lastnight's gig by NME or Select or whoever?

Dermot: Like, I was shitting myself all day yesterday because of the Powerhaus gig. That was before I found out that the NME were coming to review it. Then I was in a real heap.

FB: It's OK for reviews, it's when you have journalists on tour with you that you act unnatural.

JB: Last time we got reviewed by NME, we played really well and I know it was partly due to them being there. We were starting to get slagged off and I wanted to get a really good review. It was a journalist who didn't really like us but he did give us a good review.

Dermot: It's strange the way they can decide that it's time to slag off a band.

Brian: Look at last week's Melody Maker and how they slaughtered Neds Atomic Dustbin.

Barry: In a way, music journalists are as bad as music business sharks. They just don't make as much money out of it.

Dermot: I think a lot of it has to do with certain journalists championing you when you start off and then new journalists coming along who take the band apart.

JB: And a lot of the people who like you at first get bored and tired with you so they don't want to write about you anymore.

Barry: Too many of them think they have the ultimate power over a band and that's really shite.

The Round With The Really Big Questions

Barry: How does it affect you to be singing about issues like racism in places like Texas or the deep South of America?

JB: Places like Tennessee and Atlanta seemed to be the least racist places in the world. Driving around, they seemed to be the most integrated places I'd ever seen.

Barry: It's strange for us because there's no large ethnic community in Ireland yet we experience racism everytime we come to England.

Dermot: Nah, Barry, we don't.

Barry: We do.

Dermot: Nah, we're just paranoid every time we come to England.

JB: We always get accused about our audience, having a National Front audience 'cos we get a few people with Union Jacks, which we don't fucking like.

Barry: Do you think people would pay into one of your shows to jeer you?

JB: I don't know about that but I've seen people at our gigs who just hated it. I think they got their tickets off someone else . . .

FB: Members of the music press!

JB: Yeah, Everett True down the front.

Dermot: How do you feel about the Tories getting back in again last year?

JB: It's depressing. It was unexpected - we thought Labour were going to do it. I was one of the people who was scared to vote in case I'd have to pay the poll tax. You were afraid to register to vote in case they caught you for the poll tax and most of the people who didn't register would have voted Labour. I don't have that much time for the Labour Party . . .

FB: Neither do I.

JB: But that was a depressing result.

FB: I'd support an old-style Labour Party.

JB: I've always voted Labour but these days, they should get some of the old bastards out.

Barry: In Ireland, we've got lots of parties who are supposed to be left-wing but, really, none of them are. In elections, I tend to vote for the smaller parties or independents who are actually going to get something done at a community level. And that matters to me, because I've no faith in the chancers who get to work at a national level. Most of them are pissing all over people.

JB: I remember the day Thatcher resigned. It was my birthday and we were in the studio recording 30 Something. It was my thirtieth birthday. She resigned and we went out to celebrate. I was quite pleased because it was my birthday but I was also pissed off 'cos of the day she picked. Most of all I was pissed off because she got to resign and didn't fucking die.

The Last Round

Dermot: What sort of people hang around outside your dressing-room?

FB: Security.

JB: At the gig, it's mostly blokes but in the dressing-room, it's mostly girls.

FB: Yeah 'cos we filter 'em.

JB: We let most people in if they stick around and come over to the dressing-room at the end. It's usually the blokes who want to hang around, get pissed and nick all your stuff. The girls come in quietly and leave quietly. There are never any scenes. I don't think anyone's actually coming back for a shag.

FB: You see, how it works is the support band sleeps with the fans and the main band sleeps with the girlfriends of the support band Didn't anyone ever tell you that? It's traditional. Your girlfriend (nods to JB) does come up now and then on tour but most nights, it's porn TV and a wank.

Dermot: We were in this hotel last week and watching one of the pay-channels, you know you get four minutes free. There were a few birds really going for it but they were far away from the camera and in front of the camera, blocking the essential bits of the anatomies, was a McDonalds' Big Mac carton.

JB: Personally I read a book and go to sleep.

Barry: Have you ever met anyone famous that you've wanted to shift?

JB: Shift? Is that move?

Barry: Yeah, shag. Move like internally if you know what I mean.

JB: Yeah, several! But when you meet famous people, it's always really disappointing. They're always alright. The ones you really don't like, you never meet. The people you do meet turn out to be Curtis Stigers who was alright. That was a disappointment.

Dermot: If we ever find out that Michael Bolton is a nice guy . . .

JB: I hear he's alright, that bloke.

Dermot: I remember the Power Of Dreams used to slag off The Sawdoctors and Dave Fanning interviewed them once on the radio. He asked them what was the story with The Sawdoctors, are you still slagging them? And Craig said no, no, we don't do that anymore, we've matured. Shite. Basically they'd met them.

Barry: What about the Royal Family, is there any one of them you'd shag? (gasps of disbelief from the audience.)

FB: I dunno. Yeah, I would. There are a couple in the lower ranks who aren't bad.

JB: Lady Helen Windsor! Yeah she was alright for a while. (laughter and hoots of derision. A card appears on the screen bearing the legend: We are sorry for this breakdown, which has been caused by technical difficulties. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible . . ..