Making a show of himself

To celebrate 15 years of the Gerry Ryan show on 2FM, we sent our Jackie Hayden off to go 15 rounds with the heavyweight champ of Irish talk radio.

1. Jackie Hayden: Have you ever cheated and, if so, how?

Gerry Ryan: Yes. I think I’m the architect of one of the greatest examples of broadcast cheating of all time, when I lied to the nation and the venerable Mr Gay Byrne several years ago and upon which many claim my subsequent career is based. I’m referring of course to the occasion when myself and some others went out into the great wilderness of Ireland on a survival test about which we made regular broadcasts about our trials and tribulations to the GB show. One of my broadcasts sparked great debate across the nation as to whether I really had killed and eaten a lamb as I claimed.

JH: So you didn’t kill that lamb with a rock in a sock as you’d told us all?

GR: No. I lied about it. I never killed no lamb.

JH: And you’ve lived with that lie hanging over you ever since?

GR: I have, but gracefully.

2. JH: How do you deal with all those groupies throwing themselves at you?

GR: That would be a lovely problem to have to deal with, but I’m afraid that at this stage of my life it’s not the kind of problem I suffer from.

JH: But you did in the past?

GR: (laughs) If I did, I don’t recall it!

3. JH: Are there any drugs or substances you haven’t tried yet but would like to, just once?

GR: No.

JH: None at all?

GR: No.

JH: Not even Lucozade?

GR: No.

4. JH: Why don’t you give up trying to make it on TV and stick to what you do best?

GR: Because I think we have a great hit series on our hands with the new television programme Ryan Confidential. It’s achieved a 28% market share, so I can see the green light for this one from where I’m sitting anyway.

JH: Why is Ryan Confidential working when others in the past didn’t?

GR: Because I’m doing what I do best, talking to people. There’ll be no more spangly jackets for G Ryan on television!

5. JH: If you were going to stand for the Dail, which party would you join?

GR: (Thinks and laughs) Jesus, I don’t know. That’s a really good question. I’ve no idea. It’d be easy to say I’d stand for some amalgam of them all, but maybe it’s time for a new party?

JH: You don’t see yourself as a deflector system candidate?

GR: No. Actually, I’d probably have to form a new party myself.

JH: What would you call it?

GR: Maybe “the Give Us A Break” party.

6. JH: When we spoke some time ago you admitted that you masturbated every day. Do you still do it?

GR: No, no, not every day. I think it’s another thing that age brings.

JH: But you might be up for it occasionally?

GR: Ah, yeah, maybe once a week or thereabouts, just for old time sake.

7. JH: How do you respond when people shout abuse at you in public?

GR: Nobody really does that. I find most people’s reaction to me is very pleasant and very welcoming and very supportive.

JH: Do you not get people saying, “You’re Gerry Ryan and you think you’re fuckin’ great’?

GR: No.

JH: Did you never get that response?

GR: Yeah, I got it when I was younger. But generally nowadays I think people treat me like a mad uncle!

JH: Is that because you’ve changed or they’ve changed?

GR: I think it’s because I’m more part of the landscape now. They’ve gotten used to me and my eccentricities and they know where I’m coming from.

8. JH: How will you know when it’s time to quit?

GR: That’s question I’ve actually asked Gay Byrne on a number of occasions. His take on it was that I won’t know when that time has come but others will and they’ll tell me.

JH: But will you listen when they tell you?

GR: I hope so.

9. JH: You love your up-grades, don’t you?

GR: Absolutely. I love them, yes. As Karl Marx said, “Everybody’s entitled to travel first class”.

JH: And this is one of the perks of the job, is it?

GR: Well I think you must pay for them occasionally. I don’t deserve them.

JH: You actually pay for them, albeit occasionally?

GR: Tragically yes! But of course reluctantly! I pay for everything reluctantly.

10. JH: Have you ever been offered a bribe?

GR: No, and I think it’s one of the great disappointments of my career. As a young fella and a boy DJ I thought I was going to be given all sorts of things by record companies and managers.

JH: What kind of things?

GR: Oh, the usual, women, drugs, money. But nobody ever offered me any of those things. As you can see from my in-tray, the nearest thing to a bribe is a packet of Flahavan’s Crunchy Oats with raisons and sultanas which I tried out this morning. Very nice too.

JH: Do you have to declare those kind of items for tax as benefits-in-kind?

GR: Mmm. I suppose that’s something I should look into.

JH: Is that all you’ve had recently?

GR: I got some free pakora mushrooms in India House the other night! That’s about as good as it gets! It’s pathetic, isn’t it?

JH: You mean you never got any money for playing records over the years?

GR: No. But I’m available. Please, if there’s anybody out there, don’t feel any shame or shyness.

JH: So you wouldn’t discourage it?

GR: No. It’s just something that doesn’t seem to happen in the Irish music business, tragically. Larry Gogan told me he got fellas sending him ten shilling notes and packets of cigarettes which he promptly sent back, of course.

11. JH: Have you no sympathy for people trying to eat their breakfasts while you’re talking about snots or farting and similar unappetising subjects?

GR: No. There’s an off-knob on their radios. But we do try to be a little sensitive around the nIne to nine-thirty slots which in fairness would generally be a snot-free zone.

JH: You mean you operate a kind of early-morning watershed for snots?

GR: Yeah, a kind of snot-shed. (laughs) What a gross idea!

12. JH: You are grossly overpaid, aren’t you?

GR: Anybody who’s paid more than the industrial wage is grossly overpaid, and I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world. But I presume I’m not paid the money out of some charitable impulse on the part of RTE. I get it on the basis that RTE make a lot of money out of me.

JH: Do you feel guilty about it at all?

GR: Absolutely not. No. I think everybody should be overpaid.

13.JH: Who did you cheer for during the Iraqi invasion?

GR: I cheered for humanity.

JH: You weren’t’ gung-ho at all, for “our boys”?

GR: Ehm, I believe the Saddam Hussein regime needed to be toppled, but there are still questions over whether this was the right time to do it or not. But it’s water under the bridge now, so I just hope to Christ they get on with trying to pacify the situation and bring some sort of hope to those who desire and deserve democratic government in that country. The Saddam regime was very negative for both the region and the people of Iraq. But as to whether this was the right time, or even the right way to do it, I don’t know.

JH: But you’re glad it was done?

GR: I’m glad that Saddam and his regime are gone. But I find myself increasingly horrified at the image of chaos that seems to be emerging from the country now.

14. JH: If the current round of RTE cut-backs meant that you had to swap jobs with somebody, who would you most like to swap jobs with?

GR: Let me think. Whose job would I like? (thinks) I’d like to be President. But Ronan Keating said that and he got a lot of flak. So, on second thoughts, I don’t want to be President. I still think I’d like to be a lawyer.

JH: Who would you like to sue?

GR: (laughs) Anyone the clients pay me to!

15. JH: Did you benefit from the Haughey era?

GR: I did in the sense that through knowing his family I got to meet some extraordinary people. To this day I have very fond memories of what was a very flawed character.

JH: What kind of extraordinary people are you referring to? Do you mean people like Liam Lawlor?

GR: No. But I met former Taoisaigh and politicians of the time, which for a 14 or 15-year-old fella that was quite an experience.

JH: Is there one that stands out?

GR: I met Edward Heath. That was a quite extraordinary experience.

JH: What was so extraordinary about it?

GR: Because of the very idea of this young fella from St Paul’s College meeting a British Prime Minister.

JH: How did he respond to you?

GR: He had no interest in me whatsoever, and quite rightly!