You can call me Val

This issue coinciding with Valentine’s Day, Caught In The Net has decided to show it has a sensitive side that’s willing to woo and not just jump into bed on the first date.

Worried that being a racist bigot might stand in the way of you finding true love? Well, the answer to all your cross-burnings has arrived in the shape of the Aryan Dating Service at profiles.yahoo.com/whiteprideworld

“This club was created for proud men and women of the white race to come together to meet and chat,” reads the introductory blurb. And let’s face it, what girl could resist ‘Pissed Aryan Skin’ who lists his hobbies as white pride and racialism (sic) and “Do Unto Jews And Blacks Before They Do Unto You” as his fave quote? The words “you”, “sad” and “bastard” spring to mind.

While Caught In The Net is all in favour of romance, we’d hate it if this column were to get youthful passions over-inflamed. Which is why we recommend a visit to www.thetruthforyou.com, the “common sense Christian guide to dating” which points out that, “God wants you to abstain from sex until you’re married and then to be totally committed to that marriage! That’s the real ‘safe sex’ plan – the only one that works!”.

Sadly, there’s no word on what to do if one of your school pals asks you to join them in a spot of rimming, but we’re sure the advice would be King Solomon-like.

Another topic that gets the bum’s rush – so to speak – on their site is gerbilling. Thankfully, this salutatory tale about loving your pet too much can be found at urbanlegends.com:

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in,” Eric Tomaszweski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. “As usual, Kiki shouted out ‘Armageddon’, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.

“Unfortunately, the match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.”

Given that this report first appeared in the L.A. Times, there’s an alarming possibility that it’s actually true.

Sticking with those who’ve been unlucky in love, you can find anti-Valentine sweets at www.thepettingzoo.org, anti-Valentine books at eshop.msn.com/marketplace.com and a Strange But True Valentine’s challenge at www.oxygen.com

Us? Well, we’re off to Californi-ay where San Francisco Zoo is running its 12th annual Valentine’s Tour.

“An animal care professional will conduct each two-hour event,” reports www.bestofberkley.com, “featuring up-close encounters with animals doing what they do on the Discovery Channel.”

Ahhh, isn’t that cute!