We wish you a herpes Christmas

Never mind a Doctor Who Dalek Sec Hybrid Voice Changer Mask or Transformers Ultimate Bumblebee, the gift that’s on everyone’s lips – and other body parts – this Christmas is herpes. It’s one of a range of cutesy cuddly soft toys that can be ordered from www.giantmicrobes.com
“We make stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes – only a million times actual size!” explains the site’s cheery blurb. “Now available: The Common Cold, Flu, Sore Throat, Stomach Ache, Cough, Ear Ache, Bad Breath, Kissing Disease, Athlete’s Foot, Ulcer, Martian Life, Beer & Bread, Black Death, Ebola, Flesh Eating, Sleeping Sickness, Dust Mite, Bed Bug, Bookworm and, in our professional line, H.I.V. and Hepatitis. They make great learning tools for parents and educators, as well as amusing gifts for anyone with a sense of humour.”
We can't help thinking that their idea of humour is somewhat different to ours.
From there it’s but a mere mouse-click to snipurl.com/bigdownunderv where you can hear the song that’s scandalised Australia, ‘Even Bastards Become Top Blokes After Death’. A comment on how celebrities’ shortcomings are glossed over when they snuff it, it aired on Oz’s answer to Brass Eye, The Chaser, and featured such provocative couplets as: “Jeff Buckley fooled all lovers/Just one album, mostly covers/With more wailing than Japan does off our shores,” and: “Princess Di was just a slut for sex/When they looked in the car-wreck her dress was wet with Arab semen stains.”
Having been castigated by Australian Prime Minister John Howard for their poor taste, The Chaser crew ambushed him outside his Sydney home dressed as rabbits. See him give as good as he gets at
There are rather less offensive chuckles to be had at www.whythatsdelightful.wordpress.com, which is home to former hotpress-er and Father Ted co-creator Graham Linehan’s personal blog.
Current features include ‘How To Make Crackhead Pancakes’, ‘Holy Shit! Rumsfeld Charged With Torture’ and these bon mots about the out-for-Chrimbo Father Ted – The Definitive Collection DVD: “It has a few extra features and all that shit, and thank Christ it’s finally navigable, but really, if you’re happy with the old one, I wouldn’t buy it. However, if your old copy went on fire or got sat on or something, then this is definitely the one to get. And I swear, we won’t release it again.”
Which just leaves time for quick visits to youtube.com/watch?v=aKOQI3qJrYE (record breaking 109.85 NFL touchdown); 21361.com/website/COTM/nov07.html (Henry Rollins homed movie footage); www.oompahbrass.com/sounds/Living_on_a_Prayer.mp3 (Bon Jovi as you’ve never heard them before).