Tomb It May Be Concerned

First of all this issue, we'd like to apologise to our fundamentalist readers for suggesting that they're a humourless bunch of bigots who wouldn't recognise a joke if it walked up to them, administered oral sex and said, "How's that for the second coming!"

Conclusive proof that the Christian far-right enjoy a chuckle is provided by the Re-Versed Lyrics site at www.ultranet.com/~mari/

Concerned that the devil has all the best tunes, webmistress Nancy L. Mari has exorcised 100 rock and pop faves of their naughty bits. Thusly, 'Californication' becomes 'God's Creation', 'House Of The Rising Sun' morphs into 'House Of The Risen Son' and 'Tubthumpin'' is born again as - yes, you've guessed it - 'Biblethumpin''.

The Caught In The Net favourite, though, is this anti-Darwinian take on 'The Monkees Theme'.

Here we come

Out of history

Familiar names like Noah

And Adam and Eve

(refrain)

Hey! Hey! We're not monkeys!

Never drank primordial soup!

We're the folks God created!

Not an evolutional fluke!

It's official, religion is the new stand-up comedy. We're also dead impressed with the Christian Guide To Small Arms site, which resides at www.frii.com/~gosplow.cgsa.html

"CGSA is not intended to be the definitive source on the subject," reads the introductory rant, "but rather a primer for the Christian who is beginning to reject the false theology that requires him to be a pacifistic patsy in the face of heathen hordes."

Ah yes, an Old Testament in one hand, and an Armalite in the other.

After that it's time for some light relief courtesy of www.plastic.com, one of the few kooky/zany/mad/weird websites that doesn't prompt an irrational hatred of Americans. Their media watchdog section includes this peach of a story that was originally carried by CNN, and rejoices in the headline: Man Accidentally Saws Off Hand, Then Shoots Nails Into Head.

"A Pennsylvania construction worker accidentally cut off his hand with a power saw and then shot himself with a nail gun several times, apparently hoping to end his pain," it reads.

"William Barton, 25, had at least a dozen 1-inch nails protruding from his scalp, police said. He underwent surgery to reattach the hand and was hospitalised in stable condition."

Er, ouch. Regular readers will know that Caught In The Net holds no truck with laddish sexism, but that Angelina Jolie, phwoarr! We'd been a teansy weansy bit apprehensive about her casting as Lara Croft in the new Tomb Raider movie, but having seen the stills that have been posted at www.tombraiders.com reckon it's going to be an Oscar-winner.

Also deserving of a gold statuette is Heavy Metal Parking Lot, a 19-minute short that was shot outside a 1986 Judas Priest concert in Brooklyn. A cross between Spinal Tap and Fast Times At Ridgemont High, it's a veritable feast of spandex trousers, big hair and even bigger breasts. You can get the full S.P. at home.att.net/~jt.heyn/