THE BORDER FASCIST

SF COMA MAN CONFUSED BY ABANDONMENT OF KILL EVERYBODY WHO DOESN T AGREE WITH US POLICY
A Sinn Fein member of Cavan County Council who awoke suddenly after almost fifteen years in a coma claimed that he was confused and frightened when told of the abandonment by Sinn Fein of their Kill Everybody Who Doesn t Agree With Us Policy . It s a strategy that has worked well in the past, ensuring that in any disputed argument, we usually came out on top. It is much easier to kill someone than engage in a senseless debate that we could not possibly win by a rational argument, said Peter Kilbrittan speaking from his home in Multymore. This rash policy opens up the possibility that we might actually lose some political arguments, he warned. Mr Kilbrittan, who was blown up whilst opening a Christmas present in May 1985, warned that speaking to Unionists rather than killing them set a dangerous precedent. In the past, we were able to counter the Unionist position that they were a majority in the six counties by shooting them in the head. Now, we will have to sit grim faced as we listen to their arguments whilst being denied the option of opening fire on them. The leadership does not seem to realize that the world is laughing at us. We cannot allow our hands to be tied behind our backs like this. It s a basic denial of democracy, and I would ask the leadership to think seriously about this issue.
In what local Gardai describe as an ironic twist , Mr Kilbrittan was shot dead by masked gunmen when he answered his door late on Tuesday night.

ATTACKS ON OLD INCREASE
Attacks on old people in the Cavan-Monaghan area are up a staggering 100 per cent, it was revealed last week. It s a tremendous achievment , said FF councillor Pat Fagan on hearing the report, compiled by local Gardai. Locally, the amount of attacks on older people living in the area, especially in isolated rural pockets, has been below the national average in recent years, but due to a concentrated effort in the region, the imbalance has at last been rectified. Now elderly people living in Cavan and Monaghan can go to their beds safe in the knowledge that in all likelihood they will be woken up in the middle of the night by a youth, or youths, wielding crowbars and intent on stealing their life savings.

A TAX ON OLD INCREASE

A tax on old people in the Cavan-Monaghan region will be raised by five pounds a year from next April. The increase will fund attacks on old people living alone in isolated rural areas. The move was welcomed by Fianna Fail councillor Pat Fagan.

A TAX ON OLD INCREASE LINKED TO ATTACKS ON OLD INCREASE

Fine Gael councillor Sean Curry has hit out at plans to increase the tax on old people living alone in rural areas to fund attacks on old people living alone in rural areas. It s bad enough that old people suffer these attacks without asking them to fund them as well. I believe that next April the tax is to be increased by a further two pounds to ten pounds per annum, which will be another burden on pensioners. It is very difficult for me to to have to explain to an old person that he or she will be asked for this extra money, not to improve welfare services, but to ensure that they can be attacked with greater frequency and efficiency in their own homes. Councillor Pat Fagan responded by dismissing Councillor s Curry s concerns as Ill-founded and out of date. These increases will bring the number of attacks on old people up to the national average, he insisted. This is an area where the region has been lagging behind in recent years, and it is vital that we do our best to gain parity with other parts of the country.

WOMEN COULD BE AS INTELLIGENT AS MEN WITHIN TEN YEARS WARNS TD
Cavan/Monaghan Fianna Fail TD Liam Whilligan has warned that unless there were radical adjustments made to social and educational programmes, women could become as intelligent as men within ten years. Speaking at a meeting of the Cavan Irish Countrywomen s Association, he predicted grave consequences for the country in the next two decades. People often pose the question: Is it possible to over-educate a person? , he asked. I look at some ladies in Irish life today, and I say to myself Yes, it is . Those of you who read newspapers a regrettably growing number will know that both of the last two women Presidents have been ladies. Anybody who knows about trends will tell you that the trend evident here is for ladies to become Presidents. Luckily, becoming President of this country is purely a matter of luck, and does not reflect the intelligence of the inhabitant of the Oval Office (sic). However, it is a dangerous precedent. Are we to become like the Romans?
Despite ending on this confusing and ambigious note, Mr Whilligan received a warm reception from the assembled audience.

Water Rates To Be Abolished By Next Spring
Move Welcomed By Council

The water rates in County Cavan will be abolished sometime early next year, according to Fianna Fail TD Sean Drummond.
Meanwhile, local councillors gathered in Belturbet on Monday night to welcome
reformed 1970s pop group The Move to the town, where they played a concert in The
Moyvale Ballroom.

PET GUARD FETHARD PETARD MAN HOIST BY OWN PET GUARD PETARD
A 65-year-old petard hoister from Fethard, James Furney, died tragically on Wednesday night in Castleblayney when he was accidentally hoisted whilst hoisting his own petard afer a night out with friends. He was one of the most experienced hoisters of petards in Fethard, said close friend, Tim Beesley from Cannon Park in the town. He was also well known in his home area for inventing guards which kept babies and young infants safe from pets such as dogs and cats, and had reecently developed a special petard which doubled as a pet guard. His relative unfamiliarity with this new invention, combined with a more than generous intake of alcohol contributed to the tragedy. Mr Furney s funeral mass took place in Fethard on Friday amidst a large turn out of hoisters and petards from all over the South East region.

RE-TARRED RETARD GUARD GUARDED FETHARD PETARD PET GUARD MAN S YARD
A Garda Sergeant who had to be re-tarred after...
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BORDER WEATHER
Extremely mild, even balmy, with clear blue skies and plenty of sunshine no, hang on, my mistake, that s Lanzarote... let s see now, the Border area, ah yes, here we are even colder, damper and drearier than usual

GIRLS!
Get up to all kinds of everything with the novelty musical vibrator STEELY DANA
Now available from McGrattan s Hardware, Dullnalick

HOOLIGAN S NITECLUB
(upstairs at Mullets of Rathcock)
Wed DJ Tommy Full Power
Thurs Gay night Queerz guest DJs
Fri High On Crack Techno DJ Ignatious Looley
Sat Killburglar Live and late disco
Sun DJ Eamonn Half Power

SPOONER S SPADES
Don t heave loam without one

FATHER DEAD?

We won t make a sitcom of your family tragedy.
The My Lovely Hearse Funeral Parlour, Main Street, Blastferris.
Taking the worrying out of burying for over ten years

Tired? Frustrated? Need A Break?
DON T GO MAD GO APESHIT
Contact Apeshit Travel (Prop. Hector Apeshit), Main Street, Grangecoote. Est. 1999

FREE BLOWJOBS!

We thought that might catch your attention.
The proprietor and staff of the Border Fascist would like to wish all our
readers a happy and holy Christmas