Santa's blotto

Miracle On 34th Street it most definitely ain’t!
Miramax are at loggerheads this week with their Disney Corporation paymasters over a new “anti-holiday movie” called Bad Santa.
Already doing brisk business at the US box-office, it stars Billy Bob Thornton as a con man Father Christmas who proclaims in the first frame, “I’m an eating, drinking, fucking Santa Claus.” “Prove it,” says lust interest Lauren Graham who then assists St. Nick with the emptying of his big, bulging sack.
“Nothing appears sacred any more,” complains Disney Chief Exec Michael Eisner. “This is just not in the spirit of Walt Disney.”
Responds an unrepentant Thornton: “I’m shocked by these reports. From the start, Disney knew this was never a family film. For those who think it’s just mean-spirited, I say, ‘Well, I guess you really didn’t get it’.”
You can peruse stills from the film at www.romanticmovies.about.com/library/weekly/blbadsantapicsa.htm
If you think that’s in poor taste, just wait till you gobble down a bottle of Jones’ Turkey & Gravy Soda.
Yup, America’s oldest traditional beverage manufacturers have decided that their wares simply aren’t meaty enough. You can order this fowl concoction online from www.jonessoda.com/files/turkey.html
We’re not sure about the neo-fascist ending – Americans, don’t you just love their well-rounded world view? – but otherwise Caught In The Net is much enamoured of the Taliban Xmas animation that can be found at www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=36409
Christmas comes but once a year. American heiress Paris Hilton, on the other hand, manages it with such regularity that she features in her own Pam ‘n’ Tommy-style home video. Flying out of the shops for Crimbo, it co-stars MTV VJ Rick Solomon who up till recently was sharing a marital bed with Shannen Doherty. For more on the Great American Sex Scandal of 2003 visit www.1greatcelebsite.com/paris_hilton_sex_tape
Which just leaves time for us to ho-ho-ho our way to www.obscenecards.co.uk/christmas.html (Goodwill to all men? We think not!); www.news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/1723583.stm (And you thought your Christmas bonus was good!); and www.time.com/time/2003/inventions (The best new stuff, things, gizmos, gubbins and swag of the year).