Puppets' regime

The phenomenon of Toni the Exotic Dancer reached its peak in 1986 or so, when Rathmines’ Lower Deck pub would frequently be packed to the rafters with crowds keen to see Toni. She was a 30-something housewife who would perform a fully-clothed dance routine that was so scandalous it got coverage in the tabloids, drawing crowds from as far as Carlow. Ah, truly it was a different time.
Toni’s star quickly rose and fell in the Irish public consciousness. But in the eyes of two elderly bachelors from Co.Ring, it never even dimmed. For Podge and Rodge, Toni is about as good as it gets where Irish women are concerned. Despite the upcoming appearances of Colleen Nolan and Charlie Bird on the second series of their RTE Two chat-show, it’s Toni the boys can’t wait to meet.
“Toni revolutionised the sex industry in Dublin,” reveals Rodge with gusto, before Podge pipes up. “She had the biggest chest you’d ever seen, and she’d wiggle them in your face for a fiver.” The boys can’t believe I’ve never heard of Toni, and set about trying to persuade me that women of a slightly more mature vintage, like Toni, are the way to go. “They know the ropes,” explains Rodge.
But surely the lads must be fighting off the groupies at this stage, especially with an autumnal burst of activity that sees their return to television, the release of a DVD, and a live show at Vicar Street? “I suppose we are now. It’s one of the advantages of doing the show. But we’re buying extra Domestos, don’t want to be catching anything off them.”
The television show will see the brothers invite celebrities and a studio audience into their home at Ballydung Manor once again, with co-presenter Lucy Kennedy helping the boys out. On the day we speak, a newspaper reported that Kennedy will marry soon. It doesn’t bother the boys. “She’s more a skivvy for us,” says Podge, leading the conversation as the more intelligent sibling might be expected to, “married or not it doesn’t matter.”
Rodge has some thoughts on the subject too, and as usual they’re just that bit more offensive than his brother’s. “The television does a great job on her, you don’t see the half of it, d’ya know what I mean? There’s never any shots of Lucy from behind, did you notice that?” “We do like the girl in fairness,” adds Podge, “but she’s a bit Dublin for us. We like a bit more meat on a girl.”
The capital city comes up more than once in our chat, and it’s safe to say the boys won’t be appointed to head any Dublim tourism campaigns. As a Dub I feel obliged to defend the city, and find out exactly what is wrong with it. “Everything’s wrong with it. I’ll tell you the worst thing with it – it’s not the Midlands,” says Podge. “There’s a lot of Dublin ponces around, people with money and they’ll be shoving it in your face.”
But a stay in Dublin is fairly obligatory once you have a sell-out run at Vicar Street. The boys play there on various dates for the next three months, with every single ticket snapped up within hours of going on sale. Not that the fact that people have paid good money to see them will stop the ginger ones from ripping them out of it. “Will they be picked on?” asks Rodge, repeating the question with incredulity. “For goodness’ sake of course they will!”
Podge and Rodge will end the year the way they started it: up to their bulging little eyes in work, an adoring public, and mental images of Toni the Exotic Dancer. But they had some time off during the summer, and went on a trip to America. Well, to one particular spot in America: the world-famous BunnyRanch brothel in Nevada.
“We’d a nice break away from Ireland, it was very warm and the girls were very accommodating. We were up to our ears in 20-year-olds,” says Rodge contentedly. But I’m confused, I thought the lads liked an older woman? “Yeah, but what you do is you get two of them. Twenty plus 20 makes 40,” comes the answer from Rodge without a thought.
Having been a surprise hit the last time, the pressure must be on to make the second series of the show even better. Surely viewers can expect an even more polished and professional production, with amazing guests and tons of water-cooler moments. “Ah, probably not,” says Podge.
Their favourite guests last year were Johnny Vegas (“although he drank us out of house and home) and Senator David Norris (“great craic despite him being a homo”). The DVD collects all the best bits, and a few unseen extras personally selected by Podge and Rodge. One man they sound keen to get on the show is Bertie Ahern, the boys remaining great fans despite the Taoiseach’s recent troubles.
“Sure that’s great craic. Irish people are never surprised if politicians are up to stuff. They love the rogues. We’d be fans of the way he gets away with things.” But Podge is less enthusiastic about Enda Kenny and Pat Rabbitte. “Ah they’re a bit wishy-washy. You want someone that you know would take a backhander.”
Steve Staunton too comes in for criticism, his management of the Irish team described as “a joke that’s gone too far” by Rodge. “If you’re going to get a fella basically dressed in his confirmation suit and put him in charge of the national team,” he continues, “you’re asking for trouble. That’s taking the mickey.”
I make the mistake of reminding them that Grainne Seoige is on televison with her new show right now. “Better get me pants down,” says Podge, but before the boys dash off, there’s time once again to discuss the fairer sex. “We love Twink. And Mary Black as well…they’ve got a twinkle in their eyes, you know they’re dirty. And sturdy as well.”
But nobody holds a candle to Toni the Exotic Dancer. So if it came down to it, who would have first dibs – Podge or Rodge? “When you see Toni, you’ll understand why there’s room for both of us.”