OLD HAYDEN’S ALMANAC

January

Berger Paints launch their new Hamilton Whitewash especially developed for the Irish market. With its name inspired by the Beef Tribunal, Irish politicians and beef industry employees are entitled to a special bulk discount . . . Marian Bradfield’s unplugged version of Meat Loaf’s ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ tops the Irish charts . . . Harry Whelahan issues a statement saying that he sent no Christmas cards this year because nobody in his office drew his attention to the fact that it was Christmas . . . The Archbishop of Dublin resigns after admitting a homosexual relationship with Dustin . . . A top 2FM executive returns a phone-call and answers a letter on the same day . . . To avoid further wrangling between the Rainbow Coalition partners, Ronan Collins is asked to use his National Lottery system to determine all future ministerial appointments . . . RTE announce that Gerry Ryan and Cynthia Ni Mhurchu are to host Eurovision again, adding that they will continue to host it until they get it right . . .

February

Paul McGuinness achieves a lifelong ambition when he is elected to the Irish senate. He sends a thank you note to Brendan Kennelly for all his help and support . . . The Hitchers release a cover version of Talking Heads ‘Road To Nowhere’ but deny it’s a statement about their present status as a band . . . new legislation is introduced forbidding RTE from employing more than six members of the same generation of the same family . . . Dick Spring turns down a supporting role in the new film “When Harry Met Albert” . . . Dustin arrested on snuff trafficking charge . . . Ian Paisley announces that he is shortening the name of his religion from Presbyterianism to just ‘Ianism’ . . . A recording of ‘Suffer Little Children’ by The Singing Priest tops the Irish singles charts . . . RTE changes the title of Oireachtas Report to Natural Born Liars . . . The Smithwicks-Hot Press Industry Award goes to Mike Moloney’s mother . . . 2FM’s Music Programmer John Clarke is dismissed after his explanation for not playlisting the Pope’s Rosary record is rejected . . .

March

Sinead O’Connor retires from the music business to set up her own child-minding service . . . A doctor advises Eamon Dunphy that if he does not stop writing his Sunday Independent column he will go blind . . . Under its revolutionary new editorial policy of objective journalism, the RTE Guide publishes a critical article about the IRMA awards . . . Following a shock interview with Bosco in the Sunday World, Dustin is accused of running a sex ring in RTE . . . Catholic priests in the confessional, instead of their former practice of sentencing penitent confessors to say the rosary fifty times, now merely ask them to listen to the Pope’s Rosary CD once . . . A member is expelled from the Green Party after it is revealed he drove one hundred and fifty miles to deliver two empty wine bottles to a bottle bank . . . The new Spring fashions include the new Irish coat currently sweeping the fashion world. It’s called the Ahernarak and it comes with built-in waffler and eyes in the back of the hood . . .

April

The value of houses in Ballsbridge plummets when news of Feile ‘95 at the RDS is announced . . . A junior government minister announces plans to set up a sub-committee to investigate the viability of setting up a working party to establish the feasibility of introducing a Music Industry Task Force which will decide whether the afore-mentioned sub-committee was worth setting up in the first place . . . Former Minister Brian Cowen is nominated for an Oscar for his supporting role as the demented leprechaun on the day of the disgraced Albert Reynolds’ resignation . . . In an attempt to deliberately lose Eurovision, RTE choose Pet Lamb to sing the winning song. The attempt fails, making it four wins in a row for Ireland! Next day in a crisis session it is decided to disband the European Broadcasting Union . . . Out of work British actors demonstate outside 10 Downing Street, demanding to have the gagging order on Gerry Adams restored . . . As the world shortage of valium becomes critical, doctors start prescribing the new Sade album as an alternative . . .

May

The government appoints Senator Donie Cassidy as Official National Defender of Hypocrites following his sterling series on RTE defending disgraced former Taoiseach Albert Reynolds, Princess Grace, Charlie Haughey, President John Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Sean Doherty, Eamon de Valera, Archbishop McQuaid, Chris de Burgh, The Pope and Bishop Casey . . . The Late Late Show lifts its ban on Hot Press . . . An optician opens for business in Henry Street under the name “Site For Sore Eyes” . . . Dustin denies ownership of a chain of Dublin brothels, stating that he was never a member of Fianna Fail and has no relations in the Garda Síochana . . . RTE begins to broadcast its news in two separate parts, one section featuring material approved by Opus Dei, The Knights Of Columbanus and the Catholic hierarchy and the other half containing the truth . . . In an effort to improve Ireland’s image abroad, the newly-introduced Irish Tourist Police announce plans to breathalyse traditional Irish musicians during pub sessions and concerts throughout the Summer . . . Uproar ensues after it is announced that Feile 95 will feature covers bands only, with Jacobs Ladder topping a bill including The Australian Doors, Bjorn Again and Boyzone . . .

June

RTE’s Cathal McCabe claims that the station plays a minimum of 100% Irish music, and that on some days they even exceed that figure . . . Ian Paisley condemns the sun for rising in the east and says that the loyal, Protestant Ulster people will no longer stand for it . . . Conor Cruise O’Brien becomes the first winner of the new ‘More British Than The British Themselves Award’, sponsored by the British Embassy . . . Dustin committed to hospital after snuff overdose . . . The last investigative journalist leaves RTE and turns on the light . . . The Irish Times publishes the results of a poll showing that 95% of the Irish public couldn’t give a damn about Irish Times polls . . . John Waters publishes a new tome tracing the links between pre-famine pre-modern Ireland and the music of Raw Novembre . . . The Jobs In Music Campaign disbands after a poll shows that the people least interested in doing anything for Irish music on Irish radio are Irish musicians . . .

July

Jonathan Philbin Bowman apologises . . . 98FM announce plans for a Totally Australian programme to complement their Totally Irish slot . . . The Pope’s Requiem Mass at the Phoenix Park is interrupted when an IMRO representative arrives to point out that the venue has no license for live music . . . Dustin in coma after pillow fight with an attractive nurse . . . The Big Issues claims to be giving away more free copies than the combined sales of all publications in the world . . . RTE invites Pat O’Mahony to front Gortnaclune ’95, but the courts give him leave to appeal . . . Bord Gáis sponsor a new series of non-electric gigs at Whelan’s . . . An appearance by Brendan O’Carroll on Kenny Live is blamed for the death of a woman in Donegal, but the inquest report states that she did not die laughing . . .

August

During a State visit to Dublin’s Southside, Taoiseach John Bruton refuses to leave his car to greet the Lord Mayor. A spokesman later claims he was asleep . . . RTE shock the advertising world by announcing plans to apply their advertising rules to all advertisers equally . . . Frank Sinatra admits that he would not recognise photographs of any of the artists he duetted with on his last two albums . . . Dustin is jailed for stealing Children In Need funds to pay for a weekend in Florida with his fiancée, who has given up her job as a nurse . . . The Rock Garden in Dublin is officially renamed Doran Doran . . . In a shock turnabout, FM 104 changes its name to 104 FM and begins broadcasting its schedule the right way round . . . In the wake of the fall from grace of the former Taoiseach Albert Reynolds, it is revealed that 12 nightclubs have re-opened within walking distance of The Pod . . . A new Irish heavy metal band is launched by Louis Walsh. They are called Poisone and they have a carefully thought-out philosophy of avoiding doing anything remotely original. They sign to Polygram . . . A Channel 4 programme unveils a massive scam involving ‘bungs’ to a Dublin advertising agency after an investigation lasting five years . . . Twink denies she’s joining A House . . .

September

With so many government ministers out of the country on junkets it is revealed that the country is officially being run by the leader of a scout troop in Portmarnock . . . Donie Cassidy is his deputy . . . To celebrate the first anniversary of the Northern ceasefire, the Sunday Independent publishes a full-page apology to John Hume . . . Cranberry Dolores O’Riordan takes time out to polish up her American accent . . . Dustin joins the Moonies and claims he found God while in jail . . . Hammer Films announce they are making a film about the Catholic Church . . . Danceline Records launch their new country music label called Linedance Records . . . John Bruton’s performance in opinion polls soars after he completes a course at the George Byrne School of Charm . . . Van Morrison sues Roddy Doyle for breach of copyright over his novel of The Van . . . Publishing guru Johnny Lappin arrives back from Midem . . . A member of the Garda Siochana is dismissed after breathalysing another member of the force . . . Plans for Network 2’s new chat show to be fronted by Claire McKeon, Derek Davis, Fiona Looney, Ronan Collins, Eamon Casey and Bibi are abandoned when it is realised there would be no room for the audience . . .

October

After it is revealed that An Emotional Fish ended their deal with Warners owing the label £1 million, a national flag-day in aid of the label is launched by John O’Shea . . . Following the break-up of Boyzone, Louis Walsh launches a new Irish pop female duo under the name Seanpoo . . . In Dublin refuses to carry an advertisement for the Ego Massage Parlour, set up to cater for certain record company executives . . . The Questions And Answers programme over-runs by ten minutes to allow Charlie McCreevey to finish a sentence . . . Dustin is embroiled in 2FM payola scandal. It emerges that he refused . . . The Pope receives a Triple Platinum Disc for sales of his Rosary album, but is lambasted by the critics for being simply yet another covers act . . . A team of Ireland’s top dentists land the coveted job of extracting the truth from a former Fianna Fail minister . . .

November

Sales of Irish National Lottery tickets break all records when the first prize on offer is a ticket for the British lottery . . . The late Joe Louis becomes the new World Heavyweight Champion after winning a points decision over Lord Killanin . . . The success of the film of Roddy Doyle’s book The Van leads to heavy demand for Linguaphone’s How To Speak Northside tapes . . . Dustin shot outside Lillies Bordello and rushed to hospital . . . MTV decide to stop using videos altogether in order to devote more screen time to promos for their own programmes . . . Hugh Leonard writes something nice about U2 but later apologises, claiming it was an oversight . . . The Pope dies after shock disclosures that 20% of Catholic priests are women in disguise, and that the other 80% are men in disguise . . . the PRS in London demand to be included in the Northern Ireland peace process talks, claiming that nobody understands the Irish like they do . . . Mark Cagney lands major job with Virgin radio . . .

December

Clare FM closes down after the station refuses to obey an IRTC directive to play a minimum of 30% foreign music . . . A Ronan O’Reilly scoop in the Star about secret talks about talks scheduled to take place in England between John Bruton and John Major appears under the heading “Two Feckers At Chequers” . . . In the most positive response to the new Christmas drink-driving campaign ever, drivers begin queueing outside Garda stations demanding to be breathalised . . . Father Liam Fay is made a cardinal by the new Pope, while Senator Des Hanafin’s appointment as Primate Of All-Ireland sparks off a major row over Darwin’s theory of evolution . . . Marty Whelan is fired by RTE after admitting he wears his moustache upside down . . . Dustin is dead. The nation mourns. Hot Press publishes a sell-out tribute issue. Arthur Murphy is waiting patiently by his telephone.