OLD HAYDEN’S ALMANAC

JANUARY

The Bootleg Beatles run into a storm of controversy after their lead vocalist claims they are bigger than David Icke . . . Albert Reynolds promises that the war in the former Yugoslavia will be over by Easter . . . The Sunday Independent changes its name to The Sunday Loyalist . . . Composer Bill Whelan publishes his first book ‘How To Succeed In The Music Industry Without Giving Anything Away’ . . . Arnotts of Grafton Street, always keen to support Irish music, announce the first delivery of Take That earplugs . . . Former De Danann founder Frankie Gavin announces plans to experiment with a string quartet. The venture will be called Four Men And A God . . . The Council for The Status of Women erect a monument to commemorate Gay Byrne’s subtle and sensitive interviewing of women as demonstrated during Annie Murphy’s appearance on the Late Late . . . In an exclusive series of articles in the Sunday Tribune, Frank Fitzgibbon shows how most Irish companies exist mainly to make a profit for their shareholders . . .

FEBRUARY

A remedial clinic opens in Dublin 4 for viewers of RTE’s Extra Extra programme . . . Warners’ boss Peter Price offers his services to the United Nations . . . Liam Brady turns down an offer of the post of manager of England’s football team . . . Phil Collins moves to Ireland to edit the Hot Press Letters’ Page . . . The riddle over inaccuracies in the Government’s Book Of Estimates is solved when medical records reveal that Bertie Ahern has six fingers on his left hand . . . After the ‘outing’ of another eleven Irish priests, the Archbishop of Dublin issues a pastoral letter in defence of homosexuality, claiming that “it’s merely God’s way of controlling the population” . . . Thousands leave Dublin as the BBC’s Jeremy Paxman arrives to interview Van Morrison . . . BMG’s Freddie Middleton celebrates topping the charts with an album by Den star Dustin . . .

MARCH

RTE announces that the next series of No Disco will be re-named No Women . . . Albert Reynolds declares that the troubles in South Africa will be over before the Summer holidays . . . A fresh outburst by Maurice Doyle of the Central Bank prompts the setting-up of Bankers Anonymous . . . Beat Box presenter Ian Dempsey insures his teeth for six million pounds . . . The Saw Doctors confirm that they are donating all royalties from their single ‘Michael D Rockin’ In The Dail’ to the editor of the Sunday Independent . . . Neil Diamond sues the distributors of the football version of his song ‘America’ . . . As part of a special Spring sale, Network Two becomes Network 1.99 for one month only . . . Newly-discovered fragments of the Dead Sea Scrolls reveal that Joseph and Mary really wanted a girl . . . Senator Donie Cassidy opens the Daniel O’Donnell Museum, but a spokesman for the artist claims O’Donnell is still alive, more or less . . . David Gogan of EMI tells Larry Gogan of 2FM to fuck off . . .

APRIL

Statoil and Miller Beer join forces to open Ireland’s first ever drive-in pub . . . Mrs Thatcher dedicates the second volume of her memoirs to Gay Byrne . . . Simon Young admits that he is behind the ‘Des Cahill’ voice on RTE sports programmes . . . Admitting that the fight against pirate tapes can never be won, the IFPI asks Gallup to provide them with a weekly Bootleg chart . . . An Post issues a stamp with Sinead O’Connor on the reverse side . . . The Jo Maxi programme is so successful in the TAM ratings that RTE decides to take it off the air . . . Raleigh bikes produce a new model called the Norman Tebbitt which finds jobs for its owners. The first one to arrive in Ireland is presented to Maurice Doyle of the Central Bank . . . Sylvester Stallone is to play the part of Warners’ Colin Campbell in the new Cambo VI film . . . Nell McCafferty denies she’s an Eskimo . . . George Byrne admits he was Ireland’s first ever designer baby . . . The latest issue of the RTE Guide comes complete with free ‘cut-out-and-keep’ Marty Whelan moustache . . .

MAY

Aras An Uachtaráin opens a branch office on the Falls Road in Belfast . . . Albert Reynolds says that the Second World War will be over in a month or two . . . The British law requiring the muzzling of certain types of dangerous dogs is to be extended to include the editors of British tabloid newspapers . . . Because of a slight misunderstanding by Jack Charlton, the Irish World Cup squad arrives in York . . . Smiley Bolger, while cycling home from the Beat Box, takes a wrong turn at Grafton Street, wins the Milk Race and qualifies for Ireland’s Olympic Cycling Squad . . . In the USA it is decided to re-name the River Phoenix in honour of the late actor River Phoenix. From now on it will be called the River Phoenix River Phoenix . . . Virgin’s Rory Golden sues the Golden Discs chain for using his name in breach of copyright . . . The PRS in London threaten that if IMRO does not do the honourable thing, they will have no option but to send in Field-Marshall Montgomery ‘to sort those blighters out’ . . .

JUNE

A new organisation is inaugurated to help rock stars escape the clutches of Amnesty International . . . After losing his World heavyweight crown to Frank Bruno, Riddick Bowe denies that his first name is short for ‘ridiculous’ . . . In an attempt to make up for the losses at Eurodisney, the company launches a new whiskey called Malt Disney . . . The marketing manager of a top Irish record company is found sobbing uncontrollably in Lillie’s Bordello, after a minor critical reference to him in a parish magazine . . . The IRA and the UFF announce an immediate ceasefire when Albert Reynolds dedicates his new recording of ‘You Can Call Me Al’ to John ‘Betty’ Major . . . A reception at The Norseman is interrupted when the door opens and no-one comes in . . . Ireland draw their first World Cup match with Italy and Eamon Dunphy throws down his driver’s licence in disgust on RTE. “It’s a national disgrace,” he says . . . Rumours circulate to the effect that the Sunday World is to start using colour . . . A leading Dublin independent radio station asks the Jobs In Music Committee to explain to them what an Irish record looks like . . . Following the demise of Head To Toe, former presenter Pat O’Mahony lands the job of presenting RTE’s latest innovation, a television version of the speaking clock for the hard of hearing . . .

JULY

A new Garda squad is set up to comb Ireland for tourists. A spokesperson for the force blames the sharp fall in crime figures on the absence of mugging victims. “It’s had a disastrous effect on Garda overtime,” she adds . . . Junior Minister Noel Dempsey opens a special interpretative centre at the top of Croagh Patrick where a specially-trained staff will explain what interpretative centres are . . . Albert Reynolds claims that Iraq’s war against the Kurds will be over by next Tuesday . . . Ireland win the World Cup and in the Evening Herald Eugene Magee comments: “It’s not good for the country” . . . Owing to severe cut-backs, the Rose Of Tralee Festival is forced to drop its traditional custom of having one male escort for each contestant. This year all ‘Roses’ will be accompanied by Barry Egan and Christy Moore . . . Following the re-enactment of a gruesome crime on RTE’s Crimeline, the actor who played the role of the murderer is spotted in Bewleys, convicted on RTE’s videotape evidence and sentenced . . . The Irish Permanent introduces a new mortgage scheme to make it easier for people to buy drinks in Lillie’s . . . Dick Spring, outraged at the lack of confidentiality surrounding the latest Anglo-Irish initiative, retires from politics to open a new vegetarian restaurant which he plans to call Vile Leeks . . .

AUGUST

A top music industry executive fails to land a top job after it is revealed that he has never been fired by Warners . . . Michael D Higgins resigns from the government after Granada TV’s World In Action programme alleges that the Chairman of the IRTC does not have a TV licence . . . A major national debate develops over what the P. in Oliver P. Sweeney stands for . . . Margaret Thatcher becomes manager of the England football team . . . Prince records an album in Irish in order to comply with the new definition of what constitutes an Irish record for radio play purposes . . . The late President Eamon de Valera is reportedly seen dancing at a crossroads in County Clare, but it’s all put down as a publicity scam for the re-launch of the Irish Press . . . Albert Goldman arrives in Dublin to research his biography of Paul McGuinness . . . Richard Branson visits the Virgin Megastore in spectacular style, mooring his luxury yacht on the Liffey at Aston Quay. Dublin Corporation renames the site ‘The Virgin Berth’ . . . A recent survey claims that the juke-box in Eddie Rockets has more listeners than any Irish radio station . . . Traffic around The Point Depot is diverted after Chris Roche and Denis Desmond bump into each other . . . Brandon Press publish Emily O’Reilly’s Jail Journals . . . An entire issue of Phoenix is inadvertently published without a single reference to financial difficulties at the Sunday Tribune and is withdrawn from newsagents . . .

SEPTEMBER

The Evening Herald announces there’s to be a major crackdown on crime . . . David Icke appears on the Late Late Show claiming to be in touch with Bono . . . The show goes well considering its Dustin’s first night as Gay Byrne’s replacement . . . Ian Paisley receives the Nobel Peace Prize in Stockholm . . . As RTE’s contribution to the independent sector, Network 2 introduces a new independently-produced programme called Credits. It consists exclusively of lists of those who work on other RTE programmes . . . After Hilary Clinton resigns from the US government, President Bill Clinton says he’ll have to take over running the country himself . . . Crack American explosives exports arrive in Dublin to attempt to break into Dave Pennyfather’s wallet . . . Austin Currie finally concedes defeat in the Presidential election . . . Albert Reynolds claims the problems in Haiti will be solved first thing to-morrow morning . . .

OCTOBER

Bishop Casey returns to Ireland to set up a dating agency for priests . . . Van Morrison books into a rehearsal studio to practise using new phrases like ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and ‘oops my dear, I’m dreadfully sorry’ . . EMI’s Willie Kavanagh quits to become Mayor of Wicklow . . . Following the success of his duet with Frank Sinatra, Bono teams up with Ronald Reagan for the remake of Bono Goes To Bitburg . . . Henry Kissinger comes out of retirement to mediate between the fans of Glasgow Rangers and Celtic . . . A new lecture series in Trinity College traces the links between the rampant misogyny in the Irish Record Industry and the popularity of Golf among record company executives . . . Bord Failte opens an office in Ireland . . . Irish Times columnist John Waters denies that the complete about-turn in his attitude to U2 was merely a career move . . . The new roundabout near Dublin Airport is to be named after Brian Lenihan in honour of both his oratorical skills and his contribution to Irish emigration . . .

NOVEMBER

The Temple Bar area of Dublin declares itself an independent state with its own language, currency and passport control . . . The European Union, formerly the European Community, formerly the EEC, formerly the Common Market, changes its name to the European Commonwealth of Independent States, for a couple of weeks at least . . . Eamonn McCann retires from journalism to take up a new post as Tony O’Reilly’s PR man . . . Three deputies collapse and die in the Dail when a bill is passed linking TD’s pay to the Dole . . . The Late Late Show lifts its ban on artists on the Round Tower Label . . . Misunderstanding a question on The Pat Kenny Show, Senator David Norris books six Bus Eireann buses for an outing . . . A damaged plane manages to land at Knock Airport on a wing and a prayer . . . Albert Reynolds reveals that the war in Somalia will be over in about an hour and a half . . . The PPI put £1.75 into a fund to help struggling Irish artists . . .

DECEMBER

Virgin Records’ Josephine Nestor quits the label in order to manage comedians Derek and Clive . . . Niall Stokes resigns from the Independent Radio Commission after a dispute with the Minister for Communications, claiming “Myself and the Minister were simply not on the same wavelength” . . . Eoghan Harris is hospitalised after being seriously injured while having an argument with himself . . . Having been missing for nearly three years, the other end of the Channel Tunnel finally reaches Swansea, thus linking England with Wales for the first time . . . An actor being interviewed by the BBC has his words overdubbed by the voice of an IRA terrorist . . . A record store specialising in the Minidisc format opens for business just a few miles outside the remote village of Hacksballscrotum in County Leitrim. Until recently it was Ireland’s leading stockist of quadraphonic records . . . The first regular second-hand album chart appears in Hot Press . . . Salmon Rushdie is appointed to handle the PR for Fleadh Mor in 1994 . . .