Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday party?

Hard to see past Donald Trump, so why even try. A straight red card.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?

Joni Mitchell. And she could meet my dog, Joni Blue.

Favourite saying?

“I wanted wine, women and song. I got a drunk woman singing.” – Simon Munnery

Favourite record?

Rumours by Fleetwood Mac.

Favourite book?

Gerard Manley Hopkins’ The Major Works.

Favourite film?

I loved every frame of The Favourite. Time to see it again.

Favourite author?

Saul Bellow.

Favourite actor / actress?

Olivia Colman.

Favourite musician?

Aretha Franklin.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?

Somebody at my gig was shouting up random things right from the start, and I eventually came back with the fiendishly clever “My grandmother had an old saying – shut the fuck up.” In the interval, the stage manager explained to me that the “heckler” was a young adult with learning difficulties. I had to start the second half with an apology, got a polite round of applause for it, and moved on.

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?

Fish & chips/gin & tonic/coffee.

TV programme?

The Larry Sanders Show.

Favourite TV personality?

David McSavage.

Favourite item of clothing?

Wool jumper hand-knit by mum-in-law Doreen.

Most desirable date?

Former Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger. We’ve been through so much pain together.

Favourite method of relaxation?

I’ve always been very good at doing nothing for long periods. Putting the mindless fun in mindfulness.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?

I hold a Certificate in Journalism from Rathmines College of Commerce, as we called it in 1974. I could have been a journalist, but I was too shy to ask the difficult questions, or indeed any questions at all.

Biggest thrill?

The first laughs on stage in the basement of the Hollyrood Hotel in Harcourt Street around 1982. I was fed up with being broke all the time, but hated the thought of doing an honest day’s work. Changed my life.

Biggest disappointment?

I hate to bring him up twice, but Trump’s election victory was a sad, sad day.

Your concept of heaven?

The meek inheriting the earth, the ceremony of innocence not drowning but waving.

Your concept of hell?

I refuse to invoke Trump for a third time, so I’ll just say Spurs winning the Champions League.

Greatest ambition?

To make a proper whack of money, before it’s too late.

If you weren’t a human being which animal would you have chosen to be?

An owl. I had an image of four eagle owl chicks on a log – they were the stars of my comedy slide show. Also my eyebrows become more owl-like with every passing week.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?

Jump on a plane to Vancouver with my wife and party all night with our three ‘kids’.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?

Mannix Flynn.

Favourite term of abuse?

Anyway, I’ll let you go now.

Biggest fear?

The centre not holding, fascism marching on.

Humanity’s most useful invention?

The espresso machine.

Humanity’s most useless invention?

Necessity.

• Kevin McAleer plays Sunflower Belfast as part of Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival on May 5-7; Glens Centre, Manorhamilton (11); and Ranfurly House, Dungannon (18).