John Carter

FRANCHISE-SEEKING SCI-FI PROVES VISUALLY IMPRESSIVE BUT UNENGAgING AND INDULGENT
John Carter has quite literally been 100 years in the making. Based on Edgar Rice Burrough’s early 20th century novels, Rice’s tale of an American Civil War hero who finds himself on Mars influenced Star Wars, Avatar and countless other contemporary sci-fi flicks.
In the saddest full circle since Kim Kardashian’s wedding ring, Andrew Stanton’s film visually impressive but ultimately charmless adaptation ironically feels like a poor imitation of those films. Though star Taylor Kitsch has the pretty boy looks and beefcake physique that fangirl-seeking franchises dream of, his impassive and humourless John Carter remains as dull, unimaginative and charisma-free as his name.
Arriving on Mars, he discovers that the gravity change has granted him super jumping abilities (that sound you’re hearing is Stephen Hawkings’ brain exploding.) This power attracts the attention of a multi-limbed alien Tars Tarkas (a motion capture Willem Dafoe), and Carter becomes embroiled in a incomprehensible war between Martian Gladiator Dominic West, Martian Princess Jasmine Lynn Collins and Martian Voldemort Mark Strong, who wants to achieve supremacy over the planet.
Or something. Though the arid landscapes are sumptuous and the innumerable battle sequences impressive, these spaceship swordfights come at the cost of a fully-rounded universe, memorable characters, clear motivations or – shockingly, from the Oscar-winning director of Finding Nemo and WALL-E – any sense of heart. While Lynn Collins’ smart and sassy Princess Dejah is a welcome relief from the usual swooning, spineless cipher usually assigned to women in sci-fi, there’s no passion in her romance with Kitsch, and there’s barely any humour to break up the painfully overlong run-time.
If audiences embrace John Carter, Disney is set to turn the film into a three-film franchise. With this underwhelming and unengaging first offering, that possibility seems about as likely as shooting the sequel on location on the Red Planet itself.