Hindsite

10. Let’s face it, if your tongue was as long as your tummy banana – 6” fully extended – you’d want a magazine devoted to it.
An immediate hit in the States, Gene Simmons’ Tongue professes to being the missing link between Rolling Stone and Playboy, with all the pluses and minuses that entails. As frontman with Planet Rock’s biggest grossing live band, Kiss, Simmons knows all the hot babes and, sure enough, their Premiere Issue featured no fewer than three of Hugh Hefner’s lady friends on the cover.

Peruse the online version at www.genesimmonstongue.com

9. Ever wondered what Destiny’s Child would sound like if they came from Northern Ireland? And were kittens? If the answer to that is “yes”, you urgently need to visit A) The doctor and B) www.rathergood.com The latter also takes some chucklesome liberties with The White Stripes, Madonna, Mick Hucknall and Mick Hucknall’s cat.

8. Those of an ecclesiastical bent will appreciate the series of Jesus With You illustrations at www.members.aol.com/JesusImages/index.htm

Lovingly drawn by Larry Van Pelt – who resides in Niceville, Florida – they find J.C. watching over a range of professionals and sportsmen as they go about their daily business. The results are, well, nothing short of remarkable.

7. Renowned Brit-bashers that we are, we thought you might like to peruse the range of IRA action figures that are available from www.canfodmins.com/gallery.htm

According to our Head of Playing With Plastic Men, Stephen Robinson, Cannon Fodder Miniatures are the only company who make IRA figures for the ’Tan War. Dating back to the days when the ’RA had an uillean pipe in one hand and a Mauser pistol in the other, they’re based on the exploits of the 3rd Cork Brigade and, in particular, one Florence “Flurry” Flynn.

6. Forget t-shirts and baseball caps, backwards or otherwise. The hot merchandising item this year is a life-like, fully detailed, rock ‘n’ roll thrusting cock with robust scrotum.

Or at least that’s what Duran Duran’s Warren Cuccurullo reckons. This hunka-hunka-hunka burning American love has allowed California Exotic Novelties to fashion an 8” dildo from his pork sword.

“The heart-pounding rhythms of Warren’s music reflect his explosive personality and aggressive sexual orientation,” reads the mission statement at www.safesexmall.com. “With an uninhibited lifestyle that has brought him all over the world in search of new and provocative experiences, he wants to share his ‘wild side’ with you.”

5. He may have socked it to the paramilitaries, taken on SPUC and come out firmly against plane crashes, but as far as we know Niall Stokes has never denounced the evils of doing a sex wee. Thank God then – perhaps literally – for Council of the 12 Apostles man Mark E. Peterson and his, ahem, handy Steps In Overcoming Masturbation. These include: 1). NEVER touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet process. 2). When you bathe, do not admire yourself in the mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes – just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM and into a room where you’ll have a family member present. 3). If the temptation seems overpowering while you’re in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK. The complete guide can be perused at www.phallic.org/mormon-msturbation.txt Now excuse us please while we go and have a wank.

4. We didn’t think it was possible, but Ozzy and Anna Nicole have both been out-done and dumbed in the Reality TV stakes. Shot on the streets of Las Vegas, Bumfights features homeless men attacking each other and performing dangerous stunts.

“We give ’em money, liquor, whatever and they repay us with favours,” says a spokesman for the show.

These “favours” include bare-knuckle fighting, indoor sky-diving and a Thunderbird-fuelled version of Steve Irwin’s Crocodile Hunter.

Feel morally outraged at www.bumfights.com

3. It may have been a long time since we wrestled with algebra or the conjugation of verbs, but Caught In The Net still has its schoolboy sense of humour.

Hence the tittering, sniggering and “Cripes Murphy, what a beezer jape”-ing that accompanied our discovery of www.spaced.co.uk/lifestyle/featuresarchive.asp

A veritable den of dubious delicacies, the menu includes Cream Colon Biscuit Rolls, Coq Fromage Turkey, Pschitt! Lemonade and – tee hee hee – Grated Fanny Light Meat Tuna. Before you start running off to your local Dunne’s, we’re afraid to report that the latter is presently only available in the Caribbean.

2. The music industry will implode the moment you buy one, but if you don’t mind committing grand theft audio www.boomselection.net will tell you – and the Anti-Piracy Squad – everything you need to know about the current craze for bootlegs. The genetic splicing of The Strokes’ ‘Hard To Explain’ to Christina Aguilera’s ‘Genie In A Bottle’ is still the niftiest we’ve heard, but also keep your ears peeled for LHB vs. Van Halen ‘Booty Jump’ and The Clash vs. Andrew WK ‘London’s Gurning’.

1. Pining for the days when you’d get together with a few of your beardy pals and collapse a wall on a homosexual? If so, you should make an immediate beeline for www.talibanreunited.com, which is, “The simple way to find out what old terrorist chums and captives are doing now. Our database includes over 5,000 terrorist camps and flight training schools, Al-Qaida bases and mud huts.”

More cockle-warming still is the Bin Laden Memory Of The Day: “…I remember when he came into work one day and had a huge bag full of Kinder Surprise eggs for everyone. I got a little train to play with – it was great!”.