Heavy Petting

Swearing is neither big nor clever, but it is extremely amusing as anyone visiting www.channel4.com/ads/index1.html will discover. Carol Vorderman’s “bloody” is as tame as it gets with Tony Robinson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jamie Oliver, the Six Feet Under cast and Emma Thompson – “I like cunt!” – among those turning the air a particularly vivid shade of blue. Whether Channel 4 and their lawyers find this covertly assembled montage of outtakes quite so ribtickling remains to be seen.

It’s described in the blurb as “an interactive teaching tool for veterinary students”, but Caught
In The Net reckons there are plenty more among the rural community who’ll get good use out of The Bovine Rectal Palpation Simulator. “Where’s the arm in it?” you ask? Find out at www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/~sarah/brps.html

We’re not for a second suggesting that they should be used in conjunction with the above but you have to admire Tipito Chili Beans’ innovative and painfully honest advertising campaign. We’ve had a team of cunning linguists poring over their www.tipito.com/sport.html site all week and reckon these highly dangerous edibles originate from Finland.

Doubtless set up by a drummer who’s tired of being the brunt of the bandmates’ jokes, www.uglybassplayer.com offers conclusive proof that most plank-spankers do indeed look like Wayne Rooney. After he’s been battered round the face with a lumphammer.

CIN’s Must Have Gizmo of the Fortnight are the CarpetSkates that can be ordered online at www.funslides.com Used in conjunction with the CarpetPuck, you can royally piss your significant other off by recreating the Stanley Cup in your living room. Throw in a couple of mass brawls and, voila, all the fun of ice hockey without having to freeze your nadgers off.

Which just leaves time for quick visits to www.interviewmagazine.com (Warhol-initiated magazine in good again shocker!); www.gumblondes.com/gb.html (Bet he used to watch Blue Peter as a kid); and www.dangerhere.com (Bonner has gone 165 minutes of these championships without conceding a goal…)