Gone to the dogs

Brrrr. It is so cold in my flat that this morning I got up to find my washing-up liquid frozen solid. I’m afraid to sit down on the loo. I might get stuck to it like the guy on the Shackleton Antarctic voyage who got his willy stuck to the iceberg.

So to warm up, I went greyhound racing last Saturday night. I recommend this as it is cheaper and funnier than many comedy gigs. The odds mean nothing at all as the dog with the stripy jacket seems to win most of the time, except if he stops for a pee on his way from the parade ring to the traps. “That’s a dead giveaway,” the bloke on my left explained. It seems that some owners don’t want their dogs to win, as next time the odds will be higher, so they give them their tea just beforehand. “The dog with the scutters, isn’t worth the flutter,” the fella advised.

Pat Kenny’s dog didn’t pee. He won the eighth race, but I didn’t bet on him because his name was The Late Late Show, which has got to be the worst name for a dog ever. Fair enough if Pat hosted Winning Streak, or even Off The Rails, but calling his dog The Late Late Show is like if Anne Doyle bought a greyhound and called him The Nine O’Clock News. I mean come on.

I wonder if they have greyhound racing in Iceland? I have been thinking about Iceland a lot these days as I have three gigs there in the middle of February. It’s the second leg of my world tour, which begins at the Belltable in Limerick on February 7 and 8, and heads to Australia in

March. I’m calling it the ‘Planes, Trains and Limerick World Tour.’

There is some great comedy on here over the next few weeks. Please do not miss Daniel Kitson (pictured), reluctant though thoroughly deserved recipient of The 2002 Perrier Award, who plays Limerick, Cork, Dublin and Galway, Feb 12-16. Watching him always makes me think of the line somebody once said about the writer Kurt Vonnegut, ”He has looked the world straight in the eye and never flinched.” He’s incredibly funny, but there’s an honesty behind what he’s saying that… ah, I shouldn’t go on. You might hate him.

Ross Noble is playing The Olympia soon, and he should really be seen if you have a passing interest in 21st century culture. Ross is unique. He spins huge amounts of his show out of ideas that occur to him then and there. For a taste, go to your local library and check out www.rossnoble.co.uk where you’ll find a link to the last series of his BBC Radio 4 show, Ross Noble Goes Global. In the episode recorded in Ireland he decides that Dublin has the worst buskers ever, and proves the point by buying a tin whistle and going busking himself.

Good news for fans of free things, the funniest writer I can think of George Saunders, has a story on the New Yorker website at the moment. His last book Pastoralia is the I-don’t-have-a-clue-what-to-get-for-them birthday present you’ve been searching for. Well, that or a ticket to the greyhound racing. Or a very, very warm heater if the person in question is me.