Dirty dishes

It may have been a long time since we wrestled with algebra or the conjugation of verbs, but Caught In The Net still has its schoolboy sense of humour.

Hence the tittering, sniggering and “Cripes Murphy, what a beezer jape”-ing that accompanied our discovery of dazbert.co.uk/rudefood

A veritable den of dubious delicacies, the menu includes Cream Collon Biscuit Rolls, Coq Fromage Turkey, Pschitt! Lemonade and – tee hee hee – Grated Fanny Light Meat Tuna.

“Fanny would be fantastic enough, but Grated Fanny sounds too outrageous to be true,” enthuses the extremely sad webmaster. “Fanny is covered in oil, and you could easily start the day with Fanny on toast, although my gut instinct would be to have Fanny with mayonnaise (I’m keen to avoid adding sweetcorn, which suddenly seems unsavoury).”

Before you all start running off to your local Dunne’s, we’re afraid to report that Grated Fanny is presently only available in the Caribbean.

With Caught In The Net’s mental age hovering around the eight-and-three-quarters mark, it’s off to the similarly-minded www.i-r-genius.com/rudeplaces.html, which has unearthed such lascivious locales as Bum in Sierra Leone, Crap in Albania, Minge in Belgium, Felch in the USA, Stiff in France, Twatt in Scotland, Anus and Bollock in the Phillapines and no fewer than three Clits in Romania.

There’s also cause for national pride with the list including our very own Muff and Ring. Altogether now: “Olé olé olé olé…”

Need someone a bit tasty – if you know what I mean? – for your next tickle? Ladies, gentleman, boys and criminals we give you www.convictsreunited.com

“It’s no longer necessary to trawl message boards and watch countless episodes of Crimewatch and America’s Dumbest Criminals, in the hope that you’ll see an entry or a wanted poster relating to someone you know,” reads the introductory blurb. “Should you find old friends or colleagues, you can contact them after registering, so you may be able to share those old times again, or work together on your latest venture.”

Needless to say, Her Majesty’s Constabulary are not amused.

Just when you thought reality TV couldn’t get any crasser, along comes ABC’s new Tuesday night ratings grabber, The Chair.

Fronted by John McEnroe and co-starring a reclining dentist’s chair, the object of the “game” is to control your heartbeat whilst being subjected to an increasingly gruesome range of tortures. So far this “thrilling new twist on the traditional game show” has seen contestants exposed to extremes of heat and cold, simulated earthquakes, alligators, locusts and Chris de Burgh (that last one mightn’t be entirely accurate).

The Chair has shocked not only the public but Fox who reckon it’s too similar to their own fright night-er, The Chamber, and are suing for breach of copyright. You can find out more at www.abc.go.com/primetime/thechair

Finally, let us direct you towards www.otherkin.net (a resource for people who are not of this planet – i.e. Mariah Carey), www.drparsons.fsnet.co.uk/georg.html (a superior Wubya pisstake) and homeol.wxs.nl%7Ebigwilly/picz/ britneys-breasts.swf (reprehensible Spears-ian conjecture).

Happy surfing!