Who would be the last person you would invite to your birthday?
Hitler. I’ve never been a fan. Also, he’s dead, so unlikely to turn up unless by Ouija board, and even then... No.

Who would be the first person you would invite to your birthday party?
Jesus. Grown-up Jesus. Not baby Jesus. Babies are a nuisance at parties.

Favourite book?
1984. Hilarious! Always makes me lol.

Favourite film?
Nosferatu. The first one with the real vampire.

Favourite author?
Any celebrity that’s written a crap children’s book. I love a con artist!

Favourite actor / actress?
Mick Jagger when he played the legendary Australian outlaw Ned Kelly in the movie Ned Kelly. It’s a masterclass in unbridled self-confidence.

Mick Jagger as Ned Kelly

Favourite musician?
Leonard Cohen. Always cheers me up.

Most embarrassing moment of your life
Hard to zero in on just one. I got the “cover-up cough/fart” technique out of sequence when I met Sting… That wasn’t great. He said “Don’t stand so close to me.”

Favourite food/drink/stimulant?
Chips/Orangina/cocaine.

TV programme?
House Hunters International. I love watching other people make poor choices.

Favourite TV personality?
The late Fanny Cradock. I am always delighted when my donuts turn out like Fanny’s.

Johnnie and Fanny Cradock

Favourite item of clothing?
Trousers (own).

Most desirable date?
31 October.

Favourite method of relaxation?
Occasional sedation for minor medical procedures.

If you weren’t pursuing your present career, what other career might you have chosen?
I always wanted to be a marine biologist but I’m afraid of crabs.

Biggest thrill?
Once when I “fell asleep” in a bar in Glasgow and my pal woke me up by sticking a bottle of amyl nitrate under my nose.

Biggest disappointment?
Myself.

Your concept of heaven?
Glasgow on a Saturday night.

Your concept of hell?
Glasgow on a Saturday night.

What would be your dying words?
I’m fine.

Greatest ambition?
Go to space with Katy Perry.

Period of history you’d most like to have lived in and why?
Hollywood in the early 1920s when you didn’t have to learn lines to be in movies. Also my acting style of wiggling my eyebrows and gesticulating wildly was popular then.

If you weren’t a human being, which animal would you have chosen to be?
Nurse shark. They have two penises. Although no hands, so maybe not.

If you were told that the world was ending tomorrow morning, how would you react/what would you do?
Start smoking again.

Your nominee for the world’s best-dressed person?
The pope. Strong hat game.

Credit: @pontifex

Favourite term of abuse?
Jammy cunt.

Biggest fear?
Comets (space ones, not Bill Haley ones).

Humanity’s most useful invention?
Antibiotics.

Humanity’s most useless invention?
Social media.

• Craig Ferguson’s Pants On Fire Tour comes to the Ambassador Theatre, Dublin, on June 13.