Caught In The Net: Suck it to me

An American housewife with a domestic appliance fetish has invented a revolutionary new hoover-powered sex toy, which she claims gives multiple, back-to-back orgasms lasting up to a minute a time.
“I noticed how the rubber moved in the top of the vacuum while doing the housework,” says 49-year-old American mum of three, Joanne Drysdale. “The first time I reached an orgasm within 10 seconds.”
www.vortexvibrations.com has some cautionary words, though, for those about to give their front-bottom a nozzling.
“The user should ALWAYS use the lowest suction necessary for sexual stimulation and satisfaction,” reads the disclaimer. “A small hand-held vacuum of 600 watts or less is more than adequate for most women. A 1200 watt vacuum or above has been unpleasant to all testers.”
‘Scuse us while we nip off for a quick Dyson.
There’s touching up of a different kind at www.bettybeauty.com, which provides “colour for the hair down there. Colors naturally, covers gray and enhances to match your glorious locks above.”
Give yourself the collar and cuffs treatment for a mere $20.
From there it’s but a mere mouse-click to Christies.com where you can bid for a Skylab astronaut’s fecal bag (unused) and a space ‘nappy’. The latter collectors’ item has an “electric gusset strap, Velcro side and urine duct.”
Very fashionable.
Rarely does a day go by without Caught In The Net perusing “The consumer gateway for all your cosmetic surgery and anti-aging needs”, www.makemeheal.com.
Among the stories making nip ‘n’ tuck headlines is a Bulgarian beer by the name of Boza, which “is rumoured to increase your breast size. It has become a popular gift for men to give their significant others. Boza is a millet ale made from fermented wheat flour and yeast and is being snapped up by bar owners, shopkeepers and shoppers across Europe.”
Which just leaves time for quick visits to: www.myspace.com/shaunofficial (What did Snow Patrol do to deserve this?); www.trekearth.com/gallery/Asia/North_Korea (ace virtual tour); and " target="_">www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH8spkQMngk (They’re just odd in Mayo).