Caught In The Net: Playing Ketchup

As if having to share a cell with a 364lb mass murderer who’s looking for meaningful companionship wasn’t bad enough, maximum-security prisoners in California have been told that they can’t eat fresh fruit for lunch.

Has there been an upsurge in pineapple-related assaults? Nope, resourceful inmates have been using their canteen rations to brew up a vile but stonky prison wine called Pruno.
Reports www.blacktable.com/gillin030901.htm, “Pruno isn’t something a normal human would want to drink, so potent that two gallons is enough to get a dozen people mindblowingly wasted. And while it tastes so putrid that even hardened prisoners gulp it down while holding their noses, they’ll go to extreme lengths to make it, whipping up batches from frosting, yams, raisins and damn near everything.”
If you do per chance find yourself serving life, a dozen oranges, an eight-ounce can of fruit cocktail, 40 sugarcubes, two pints of water, some ketchup, a Ziploc bag and a towel are all you need to get royally ripped.
Patriotic cons will want to use W Ketchup which “comes in one flavor: American.”
The brainchild of a staunch Dubya supporter who doesn’t like the fact that Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry is married to Teresa Heinz, its sales blurb points out that “the leading competitor not only has 57 varieties, but 57 foreign factories as well.”
Ooooh, don’t those food-producing foreigners make your blood boil! You can get the full bigoted lowdown at www.wketchup.com
Bush and Kerry might be the only ones you’ve heard of, but there are heaps more fruitcak…,er, serious candidates hoping come September to move into the White House. What country wouldn’t be proud to have Family Values Party lynchpin Tom Wells as their First Citizen?
“I never had any ambitions to be President," his members.aol.com/fvparty1 site divulges. "But at 2am December 25th 1994 I was awoken in my bedroom by a BRIGHT LIGHT. A voice called to me saying, ‘TOM—TELL MY PEOPLE THEY ARE TO TELL THEIR PUBLIC OFFICIALS THAT THEY ARE PREPARED NOT TO PAY THEIR TAXES UNTIL ABORTION IS NO LONGER PUBLICIALLY FUNDED.’"
Which just leaves time for quick visits to www.hearselife.com (Irish comedian spends entire Edinburgh festival in funeral vehicle); www.weird-food.com (Alligator on a Stick, anyone?); and www.dagbladet.no/nyheter/2004/07/06/402500.html
(Make love not un-recyclable waste).