Caught In The Net: It's training men

In case folk fundamentalists or mad metal mullahs target hotpress, we’ve decided to enrol all our people in the Counter Kidnapping & Ransom Training course offered by www.risks-inc.com/antiterrorismtraining.html

For a mere $1,650, you’ll receive up to the minute training in secrecy, threat assessment, improvised explosive devices, residential security, counter espionage & spy techniques, vehicle security, unarmed combat, first aid, tactical firearms, being kidnapped, hostage survival and staying in a hotel (those mini-bars are more dangerous than they look).
If budding Jack Bauers are unable to make it to the Risks Incorporated training centres in Florida, Georgia and Mexico City, they’ll send an instructor to you.
“We welcome students from all religious, ethnic and social backgrounds,” they stress. “All services are supplied in strict compliance with international, national and state laws.”
Some of those moves could come in handy if you’re a member of the Christian Wrestling Federation, “an outreach ministry that shares the love of Jesus through wrestling events around the world.” As you do.
Its current stars include The Bishop, Jesus Freak and The Apocalypse who rather wonderfully comes from the real life Colorado town of Purgatory. Find out more at www.christianwrestling.com
After a hard day’s Counter Kidnapping & Ransom Training, you might want to relax with a nip of the Russian Kalashnikov vodka that comes in a gun shaped bottle.
“Vodka Kalashnikov is based on a select recipe approved by Mikhail T. Kalashnikov, designer of the AK-47 Rifle,” explains the blurb at www.vodkakalashnikov.com. “It was the first vodka ever to be created by combining salt, sugar, vanillin and glycerin.”
A cheeky 80% proof, a litre will set you back roughly €70.
Which just leaves time for quick visits to www.stockroom.com/SiFeet-Pussy-Foot-P2958.aspx (the most bizarre sex toy we’ve, fnarr fnarr, come across in a long time); www.palm-meow.com (feline retirement home); and www.myprivatedance.com (pole dancer ad painted on to field near Gatwick Airport).