Caught In The Net

Mrs. Betty Bowers, Christian Crack Whores Ministry. Equal parts Oprah Winfrey, Tipper Gore and Attila The Hun, Ms. Bowers’ mission is: “To bring a little Republican charm to harlots everywhere. I started my wildly profitable Ministry after seeing a roving pack of strung-out streetwalkers from the back seat of one of my Bentleys. To spend so much of one’s day on one’s knees without praying struck me as an appalling oversight of the possibilities of multitasking. I mean, if you’re going to be on your knees 14 to 25 times a day, why not pray while you’re down there?” If you’d like to learn more about “Turning Tricks For Jesus”, log on to www.bettybowers.com

Also tickling the CIN funnybone this fortnight are the equally satirical Department Of Homeland Panic – “Terrorists are everywhere and will eat your heart” – which can be found hiding behind the sofa at www.gialames.com/reminder.html and Flag-O-Rama which supplies “Patriotic items for fanatical flagwavers.”

Among the must-haves at www.totalobscurity.com/mind/flagstore are Tampax Tapons Of Glory. “Let freedom flow,” says the blurb, “with these specially-designed American flag tampons. They’re great for those times when protection is a must: baking apple pies, leading church activities or walking down the beach at sunset with your daughter having one of ‘those talks’. It’s the most all-American thing any woman could have…period!”

Dodgy haircuts, bad teeth, pot bellies, crimpolene shirts…they’re all there to be marveled at on www.nyheter.nu/kultur, a gallery of ‘70s Swedish popsters who desperately wanted to be the new Abba but, well, looked shit.
Which just leaves time for quick visits to www.astercity.net/~tobik/pingpong.html (and you thought ping pong was boring!); www.blackpeopleloveus.com (what were they thinking?); and /www.origamiboulder.com (words, for once, fail us).