Cannibal Cops

There was outrage among the Caught In The Net team when hotpress’ financial controller – known as The Tourniquet because he’s so tight – declared that our £485.67 a week bill for periodicals was excessive.

Now only able to purchase the The Irish Times when there’s a ‘T’ in the day of the week, we’ve taken to scouring the web for all the news that’s fit to print. And, more often than not, isn’t.

Our favourite port of journalistic call is www.fark.com, a 24/7 compendium of stuff and nonsense from the likes of the Chicago Tribune, The Seattle Times, Scientfic American, The Smoking Gun, Toronto Star and Pravda.

Indeed, it’s our Russian friends who win ‘Headline of the Week’ with their “Killer Lived For A Week In His Victim’s Flat And Ate His Flesh” screamer.

“A case of cannibalism was registered last week in the city of Belev,” they report. “A single man living in a flat met a young man without a definite place of residence and invited him to stay. After some time they squabbled – the question was about who had to go for vodka. As a result, the guest grabbed a metal rod and killed the host. As he explained later to the investigator, he didn’t like anybody to shout at him. The young killer did not have money to buy food, so he decided to stay in his victim’s flat and eat his flesh. One of these meals was interrupted by policemen.”

If that’s a bit too depressing, another link enables you to see a picture of Angelina Jolie having her nipple licked by a horse. No, really.

There’s more titillation to be had at www.homepage.ntlworld.com/jonward/toaster, which warns: “This page features pictures of adults in sexual situations with kitchen appliances. If you’re under the age of 87 (142 in Estonia, Khazakstan, Kyrgyzstan, Australia and the US states of Utah and Texas) and/or are offended by pictures of Rotherham/Shirebrook/Woodhouse/Terrace Road slags with kitchen appliances, please LEAVE NOW.

As Viz-like as it is funny.

With the marching season upon us, you may want to order some of the souvenirs that are available online from www.grandorange.org.uk It’s a veritable agony of choice with the Bowler Hatted Orange Mugs, Loyal Orange Institution Pencil Erasers and Flexible Orange Order Fridge Magnets all vying for your punts. Then there’s their delightful range of greetings cards, which could result in some very interesting people dropping round to see you this Christmas.

Finally, if anyone knows what the fuck’s going on at user.tninet.se/~prv247p/hatt/hatten.swf, please let us know!