Blizzard of Oz

It had to happen! In the same week that MTV welcomed back the Munsters of Rock, America’s dirty mac brigade are wank…, er, falling over themselves to grab hold of the XXX spoof, The Ozporns.

Needless to say, it’s a highbrow affair starring such bump ’n’ grind legends as Tawny Roberts, Sindee Coxx, Nikita Denise, Tina Tyler and Samantha Sterlyng.

About Schmidt’s Oscar prospects are likely to evaporate the moment the Academy casts its eye over these plot notes: "There’s Izzy, the constipated, scatter-brained dad whose good intentions are sometimes foiled by his overactive libido; Sherri his loving wife who wears the pants in the family – and never takes them off; their children, Fiona and John, who come home from college to create sexual chaos; Sarah, the nymphomaniac nanny; and the sundry other characters who drop in unannounced – and leave sexually gratified."

Never mind The Pianist, this is what we call art!

Our next click of the mouse takes us to www.mrbongo.uh-hosting.co.uk/garathgates, home of indefinite article hotshots The Stammerers. Bearing an uncanny resemblance to Albert Arkwright, Porky The Pig, Max Headroom and a certain Pop Idol, their lip-syncing of The Who’s ‘My Generation’ ("Why don’t you all f-f-f-f-ade away") is cruelly gigglesome.

Ditto The Hebrew Hammer, which director Jonathan Kesselman is touting as the first ‘Jewxploitation’ film.

Reads the blurb: "What Jewish kid hasn’t fantasized that Rambo, Wonder Woman or the Sundance Kid were Yids who could swoop down and make the world safe from teasing gentile classmates? Finally, as if summoned from the imaginations of misfits everywhere, comes the Hebrew Hammer – a badass mofo with chutzpah enough to kick ass for the Tribe. Sporting earlocks and black leather, he’s a Manishewitz-slugging Semitic Superfly, a titan of tolerance, who, as a Jew-boy at Catholic school, endured his share of scorn… especially when it came to Hanukkah." Find out more at filmforce.ign.com/articles/382/382063pl.html

Which just leaves us with time for visits to www.platinumlooks.com (the blingest jewelry in the history of blingdom); www.radio-locator.com (links for over 10,000 wireless stations worldwide); and www.philspector.com (we know, we know, but he did write and produce some amazing songs).