You don't expect me to wear that, do you?

It was the last box under the tree, and it had my name on it. Having given it the shake test earlier, I knew that there was material inside – but what exactly was it? I suspected lingerie and if the weight and shape of the parcel hadn’t in themselves been a giveaway, Thomas’ expectant face certainly would have been.

I removed the wrapping paper slowly and there it was, the telltale pink box – Thomas had been shopping at Agent Provocateur. He’s such a bold boy at times!
I love lingerie and I think it’s one of the best gifts to receive from a lover, as the promise of great sex is implicit in these expensive scraps of silk and lace. It would be churlish to receive such a gift and not try to it on – and very bad manners for the giver not to admire you and then shag you senseless.
However, buying lingerie for a woman can be a risky business. With lingerie there is seldom a middle ground – most likely, it will be either a triumph or a disaster. If you get it right she’ll feel like a goddess parading around in her sexy new gear. But if you get it wrong, it won’t just be a disappointing present – the loathsome lingerie will become a metaphor for all that is wrong with you and your relationship.
Unfortunately for men, women tend to read subtexts into gifts. We can’t help it; it’s part of our charm! The wrong kind of lingerie, for example, may be read as a signal that you don’t think we are sexy; or that you want us to behave differently in the bedroom; or that you haven’t a clue about what we like; or that you are, spare my blushes, a bit of a pervert. Indeed it may mean all of these things at the same time, plus that you are a bit of a moron. (How could you misunderstand me so badly?)...
My friend Molly once received a cartoon thong from her boyfriend of the time. The childish picture on what is an overtly sexy piece of clothing made her feel decidedly uncomfortable. Perhaps there wasn’t any hidden meaning in this; chances are he thought the thong was ‘cute’, but Molly thought it was distinctly creepy and love’s young dream was wrenched asunder.
If you’re considering lingerie as a gift – after all, Valentine’s Day is not that far away – there are a few things to bear in mind. Buying lingerie should be treated like a military campaign – intelligence and forward planning are the keys to success.
No matter how beautiful the lingerie is, you run the risk of insulting or upsetting your lover if it doesn’t fit. So, assuming you have access, of course, spend some time inspecting her underwear drawer for sizes.
Not that even this is failsafe. In a perfect world, all our underwear would always be the same size, but with vagaries of diet and the variations of sizing among different manufacturers (not to mention different countries!), these can change, so check what the most common sizes she has are and then talk it over with the shop assistant. You have a fair amount of leeway with bras because as long as the cup size fits, the straps can be adjusted, at least enough to do the job.
If in doubt about the panties, on your first excursion at least, get French knickers or something with side ties as these allow some room for mistakes. The last thing you want are bottoms that don’t fit – too small may make her feel that she’s piled on the winter pounds, too big and you may find yourself on the wrong side of the dreaded “you think I’m fat” accusation. Or they might just come off too easily, as it were. Either way, passions could run high, but not in the way you’d been planning.
The second thing to consider is the style of the lingerie itself. Great lingerie should make the woman feel sexy for herself, and look sexy for you. What we are faced with here, then, is a subtle psychological problem. Red split-crotch panties may make you salivate like a horny dog, but will she like them? Perhaps you prefer something demure, but she finds this type of lingerie old-fashioned, an insult to her sexually liberated personality?
If your woman tends to purchase practical cotton, the gift of super-sexy smalls may be regarded as a sign that you want her to dress in a more sexually appealing manner. Well, of course you do, but there’s no point in making this too bloody obvious: her feelings will be hurt. In such a case, it might be wiser to buy some slinky pyjamas and ease her into the idea.
Thirdly, there is the cost to be considered. There is one simple rule that needs to be adhered to at all times – don’t go cheap. I repeat: do not go cheap! It isn’t that the modern woman is materialistic, but lingerie as a gift has to be the good stuff – and the good stuff ain’t cheap.
Inexpensive lingerie isn’t absolutely verboten – but it should be purchased only if you plan to rip it off her body, pour hot wax on it or gently remove bits of it with a scissors – great fun, as long as you’re careful. And you have to find a way of letting her know that this is what you intend before she concludes that you’re a cheapskate who thinks she can be bought for €9.99. If it meant as a genuine gift, just say no to ‘budget’.
With all these things to consider it’s no surprise that many blokes shy away from lingerie – the fear of getting it wrong is just too great. But this is a pity, because the rewards of getting it right are fantastic. Trust me on this.
So how did Thomas’ gift fare? Well, I loved it but I’m not sure Thomas really did. I got all dressed up and he seemed fairly impressed – but not ten minutes had passed before he was chasing me around the couch anxious to remove at least parts of my lovely lingerie.
Odd that, but I’m not complaining. It’s my New Year’s resolution to dress up all the time. It’s amazing the workout you can get wearing nothing but a garter belt and a pair of hold-ups.