Wham, Bam – Thanks, Man

Men and women – they don’t understand each other. This is particularly true when it comes to sex. Women, men say, are irrational, fickle creatures. Not true. Feminine mystique? What a load of bullshit.

There is an inherent logic to a woman’s thought processes (as I am sure there is to men’s, despite all evidence to the contrary). The problem is that when it comes to sexual relations, women have a tendency to be sparing with the truth. We lie – indeed, we lie like troopers, sometimes. Then again, so do men, so it’s no wonder that misunderstandings happen. Want to know what’s she thinking? No problem. I present to you, the Hot Press Guide to the Female Mind*.

The Final Moments Blow-Off
It all seemed to be going so well. There you are, it’s 3:00 in the morning, you thought you were onto a sure thing, but the young lady you’ve spent hours charming has decided that after all, she’d prefer to go to her place, alone. Until the music abruptly stopped, you’d been eating the face off each other – but at the last moment you’ve been kicked to the kerb. What the hell has gone wrong?
Here’s the big question – did she give you her phone number?
No – She only wanted a snog (to show that someone wanted her!) and you happened to be a convenient choice. Forget her and move on.
Yes – As long as it’s really her phone number, then the reason is likely to be one of the following:
• She doesn’t sleep with men on the first night she meets them. None of her girlfriends do, so she can’t do it without risking her reputation with her peer group.
• She’s genuinely likes you. This time your charm has actually worked. She’s worried that if she makes it too easy, she’ll never see you again. She may have a point there…
• She’s menstruating. Most women won’t tell this to a bloke they don’t know. After all, when you’ve been doing your seductress routine all evening, it’s embarrassing to have to ‘fess up that you knew all along that you’d have to leave the poor boy hanging.
• She hasn’t waxed or shaved her legs. She wasn’t planning on picking up anyone and isn’t prepared. While she was kissing you, she was debating this foolishness with herself. It goes something like this: “Ah damn! Would he think I’m some kind of clean freak if I take a shower first? God, probably. Anyway, I’m so horny I’ll never make it to the shower. Feck it! Women have hair too. I’m not some stupid Barbie doll! I am a woman! He’ll just have to deal with it! No, no. Bad idea. He’ll tell all his friends and I’ll be known as The Yeti. Shit! Best to wait…”
• She’s been getting intimate with you and can smell you’re a bit sweaty. “Thus far and no further!” That’s her motto, at least until you’ve had a shower.
• She’s been dancing all night and is worried that she’s the sweaty one. A variation on the hairy legs debate is taking place in her head.
• She has a boyfriend or husband. She promised him she’d be home by 4:00. If she’s home late, smelling of sex and stale Lynx, he’ll know something’s up.
It’s a pain in the arse I know. You were getting all excited and now, well, you’re forced to revert back to some slap and tickle with Mrs Palm and her Five Daughters. Be a wanker by all means, but don’t be a chump. She gave you her number for a reason. You are in, just not tonight.

The “What are you thinking?” Conundrum
Women know this is a stupid question, but many of us ask it after sex anyway. It’s those damn feel-good hormones that are to blame. Chances are you are: (a) thinking about food; (b) calculating the chances of opposing teams losing or drawing so that Man U can crawl up the Premiership league table; (c) wondering if you should leave, or (d) simply not thinking anything much at all. We know this, but we still want you to answer with one of the following statements:
• I was thinking about how soft your skin is.
• I was wondering where to take you for dinner on Saturday.
• I was wondering if you’d like to lie back while I eat you out for the next hour? (Always a winner in my books…)
We don’t expect a truthful answer. It’s an indirect way of gauging how interested you are. Therefore, women only ask this question if they like you.

Decoding “It’s not you, it’s me.”
You’ve slept together twice or three times, but all of a sudden, she’s no longer that keen. Why?
• It is you. So much so that she can’t be arsed to come up with a more original kiss-off.
• She met someone else.
• If she keeps sleeping with you, it may become a relationship and she’d rather shag around, thanks all the same.
• She letting you down gently. Truth is, the sex wasn’t that great.
• You make tasteless jokes, eat with your mouth open, have weird politics, or have fallen foul of any number of sins she’s not going to tell you about. Because you’re not worth it!
• She knows her friends won’t like you.
• She didn’t fancy you that much to begin with. She was just horny. Wham, bam, thanks man.

Same Bed, Different Planet
When men are having sex, their thought processes go something like this: “Mmmh, boobs… If I squint I can pretend she’s Angelina Jolie… Suck it, suck it, go on you know you want to… God, I hope this is right… Ouch! Mind that elbow… Aargh… zzz.” Or so I’m told. Women are thinking the whole time – except for when you get us so horny that the mind turns to mush and all thought becomes impossible. This is where you want us to be. Aim for this ideal – otherwise this is a selection of the thoughts that may just cross our minds:
• God, he’s really skinny but he’s still got a potbelly.
• Is that thing askew or is it just hanging to the left?
• Enough with the massage, I want head!
• My body is more than just a vagina, damn it. A massage would be nice.
• Damien was much better at THAT!
• I hope my ass doesn’t look huge from this angle.
• Ah, c’mon. It’s half an inch up from where you’re aiming. Perhaps I need to bloody demonstrate…
•Jesus, I forgot to hand in my final report. (A bad sign this one…)
The sad truth, lads, is that unless we are distracted with desire, we are comparing you to past lovers, grumbling to ourselves about what you are doing wrong, worrying about our own performance and swatting away random thoughts. If your partner looks lucid, then she’s thinking. You need to up your game! If she’s cross-eyed, drooling like a Great Dane, one leg has developed an uncontrollable tick or weird strangled noises come out of her mouth as she’s trying to talk – well done! You are officially a sex god.

*The Hot Press Guide to the Female Mind should be used responsibly. hotpress accepts no liability for misuse of this information. Suggestions that you ‘know’ or ‘understand’ women will be met with snorts of derision – and rightly so. Please note this list is not exhaustive and she might be thinking about the crisis in Darfur, wondering if she should have actually bought that damn dress, making a list of what she needs to do tomorrow or any one of a million things instead.