Toys for Boys

There are two types of men in this world – those who enjoy prostate stimulation and those who miss out because they think it’s all a bit gay. Yoga Boy fell into the first category. This was fortunate for me – I needed a guinea pig.

I’d been trawling the internet when I came across a toy called the Pandora. I was doing a little online shopping for myself – genuine research purposes, of course – and the Pandora somehow found it’s way into my checkout basket. It had almost everything I require in a sex toy including multiple speed settings and multiple glowing reviews, but there was just one teeny tiny problem – the Pandora was a prostate massager, and in that regard I was distinctly anatomically lacking.
My ex, Gareth AKA God’s Gift to Women™ had phoned me up a few weeks earlier to kindly volunteer his services as male sex toy tester. The helpful boy even had a list of suggestions of the toys he thought I should buy! I’d told him (nicely) that he was welcome to fuck himself, just not on my dime. In these uncertain economic times I wasn’t wasting my hard earned cash on anyone else’s orgasm, not unless there was something in it for me – preferably gratitude and pay-back. Just for starters…
If there’s one problem with modern sex lives, it’s that you can know someone intimately without knowing them well. Frankly, at times that’s a blessing, but the downside is that sexual relationships are fraught with all manner of potential minefields. Despite having been naked and sweaty with you, it doesn’t follow that your sexual partner won’t be terrified or offended if you ask him to escort you to your cousin’s wedding or if he’d mind a spot of anal play.
I’ve always found that the best time to ask these awkward questions is during those magical moments after orgasm. Here’s why – a man’s physiological response is to fall asleep after sex; it’s not his fault, it’s all due to the cocktail of chemicals released when he comes. Therefore it’s a safe bet that any bloke willing to overcome his biological urges and spend time cuddling and chatting is keen on keeping you happy.
Such a man, on a natural high after sex, will agree to do whatever you want, within reason. And without sounding too mercenary, if he is going to get huffy, far better that this occurs after the fact – it’s a waste of a perfectly good evening otherwise.
I decided to pop the question to my new friend, the lovely and limber Yoga Boy one evening as he was lying in my bed. He was intrigued and asked to see the Pandora. After a few minutes examining it from every angle, he was not only willing but eager. Possibly because of its size and bright blue colour the Pandora doesn’t look scary – indeed it looks rather cute. YB decided he’d give it a lash, right then and there, if I had no objections. Of course I didn’t; that’s another good reason to wait until after you’ve had sex – the possibility of round two.
I knew something was wrong, and had a moment of empathy with men everywhere when Yoga Boy asked me the one question that surely every male must fear – “Is it in yet?”
“Yes,” I replied, with a sinking feeling of disappointment. The Pandora isn’t huge – around eleven centimetres (or 4.3 inches) — and it’s shaped to fit the area comfortably. Perhaps a little too comfortably, because he asked me the follow-up question that no man would wish to answer.
“Really? Is that it?”
The Pandora has seven different speed settings and I hoped that at least one would transport the lovely YB to infinity and beyond, or failing that, be reasonably satisfactory. It was not to be. After ten minutes he’d had enough.
“I feel like I’m having a medical examination,” he complained, which, had I been wearing a nurses’ uniform could have been sexy, but under the circumstances most certainly wasn’t. Had Yoga Boy been a man that was uncomfortable with this kind of stimulation, I’d have thought this was the problem, but according to his report the Pandora suffers a major design flaw: only the tip of the toy vibrates and not very strongly at that – meaning that if it shifts even slightly, the Pandora missed the mark.
I was disappointed, he was disappointed, but all was not lost. If he wanted stronger vibrations I was willing to oblige. The lovely people at the online sex shop had sent me an extra vibrator for free. I hadn’t had a chance to try it out yet and by God, I’d promised YB a good time so I was determined to deliver.
The vibrator was made of hard-ish plastic and didn’t look designed for the job I had in mind, so this time my expectations were lower. Also, to be honest, my horniness had taken a dive, but seeing as by this stage he was already covered in lube, it was worth a shot.
This time the stars were correctly aligned. The vibrator and Yoga Boy got along just fine. More than fine, actually. The vibe was called the Yoga Master (who thinks up these names?) and so it was a match made in heaven.
Twenty minutes later he was still vibrating away, and I was beginning to feel a bit jealous. I was the third wheel – Yoga Boy and Yoga Master were communing like a pair of soulmates. Worse, he was ignoring me except for the odd demand to turn the vibrations up or down. Grr… Where was my gratitude? And more importantly, my pay back? This was not going as planned.
One of my friends likes to joke that she prefers sex toys to men. I disagree – men are better, but they both have their difficulties. Like a man (or a woman) a sex toy can give you exquisite pleasure, although sometimes both promise more than they can deliver; with patience – and a large paddle – a man can be taught to do better; but that’s not a possibility with a toy. Thus the Pandora’s fate was sealed – it was heading to local waste management centre. If only deciding what to do with Yoga Boy was as easy…

Sex Tip: 16 Errogenous Zones
The human body is full of erotic zones – some of which are obvious, while others get overlooked. Try mapping the areas of your partner’s body that respond to stimulation.
1. Face: Eyelids, eyebrows, temples and cheeks can all be erotically charged and it feels extremely intimate to be gently touched or kissed here.
2. Lips: A good kiss is your first physical line of seduction. Use your lips, tongue and teeth to kiss, suck and gently bite.
3. Neck : The nape of the neck and the throat are extremely sensitive to kissing, licking, sucking, stroking and breathing.
4. Ears: The earlobes and the area behind the ear are both highly sensitive, sometimes too sensitive. Licking, sucking, stroking and breathing can all be pleasurable. Some people love tonguing/blowing in their ears, but these are not universally popular.
5. Hair and head: This is a gentle erogenous zone. Try stroking the hair and massaging the head. Some women love having their hair pulled (careful how you do this), particularly if you do it in a way that suggests you’re overcome with horniness.
6. Shoulders, arms, wrists and hands: Massage, stroke or gently scratch. Many women love to have their fingers sucked and their wrists nibbled and kissed.
7. The armpit: Kiss, stroke and even lick, just don’t tickle.
8. Breasts and nipples: This area is sensitive in women, less so in men. In women, don’t just zone in on the nipples – the whole breast is sensitive and the sides and underneath respond well to licking and stroking; nipples can be super-sensitive so start gently.
9. Ankles, feet, toes, ankles and soles: Rub, kiss and suck.
10. The back: Massage, stroking, kissing all work. The spine can be particularly sensitive. Don’t forget to hold or stroke the back when actually having sex.
11. Behind the Knees: The back of the knees is full of nerve endings making it an erogenous hotspot, but also very ticklish.
12. Inner Thighs: The inner thighs are full of nerve endings and very sensitive. Touch, stroke, kiss and lick.
13. Bottom: Less sensitive than breasts because it contain muscles as well as fat. Holding, kneading, patting, squeezing and spanking can all work. The anus itself is full of sensitive nerve endings.
14. Perineum sponge: The perineum is the area between your genitals and your butt. Gently push or lick the area rhythmically.
15. Prostate and G-Spot: Both can be stimulated using a ‘come here’ gesture, although the G-Spot can remain elusive.
16. Genitals (Don’t forget the Clitoris): Obviously…