Time to get dirty

There’s still a bit of heat left in the summer– and I’m not talking about the weather. Because, even if the sun fails to shine, there is no reason why your sex life shouldn’t really sizzle at this time of the year.

I can’t understand how anyone could possibly get bored with sex – ever. There are so many different, intriguing, tantalising things to try (not to mention people, but that’s a whole other article!). The best things in life are rarely free, but hot sex is. All that’s needed is a sense of adventure – and you’re off. Or at least your clothes are!
One of my favourite summer time activities is to explore the great outdoors. Not that I’m not fond of my bedroom. I am. It’s comfy, and all the necessities are at hand. But changing the scene is kind of like taking your sex life on holiday.
There are obvious places to indulge in extracurricular sex – the beach, parks and woods, for example – any of which can inspire a different kind of sexual adventure than you can have in the bedroom. But you don’t always have to travel to create a very sexy scene – the garden, your car or even a quiet, neighbourhood lane way can be great places to get carnal. Part of the thrill is that a taboo is being broken, that the rush of lust is too strong to be delayed and has be satisfied even at the risk of being caught in flagrante by anyone who happens by. Some of the best fucks ever – and blowjobs – happened down backlanes or in shop doorways.
One thing to remember though – if you think a certain public place would be good for a shag, chances are other people will figure it out too. Dogging is increasingly popular in Ireland, so you might want to make sure where your local dogging hot spots are – either to join in the action or to avoid them depending on your predilections.
If you are feeling really brazen, or it’s raining, there is always the great indoors. Pubs, nightclubs and cinemas are some of my favourite places for covert sex. You just have to keep an eye open – for a suitable nook as well as the staff. My lovely Conor is a devotee of love in the loos. We’ve been avoiding one of our favourite spots recently after the bouncer caught him sneaking out of the ladies one too many times. The risk of getting caught all adds to the fun, as long as you don’t get nabbed by long arm of the law.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch – anyone who has ever visited a sex shop or trawled internet sex sites will know that there are more toys and thingamabobs designed for sexual pleasure than were ever dreamt of by all of Santa’s elves. They can come in extremely handy if you want to raise the temperature in the bedroom.
If you want your sex really hot, then put enough time aside to get thoroughly involved in giving pleasure to one another. Make the necessary preparations. Get whatever props you want sorted in advance, whether it’s something you plan to dress up in or a vibrator to use on your partner (or yourself). Think the possible scenarios through and take it in stages, turning your partner on and then easing off so that you can progress on to the next stage without climaxing too soon. In order to build the excitement and arousal to fever pitch, it makes sense to put women first – better to avoid a situation where the guy comes too soon and the momentum is lost.
Sex and food combine two of my favourites pleasures. There is something incredibly erotic about the feeling of freedom that comes from smearing sweet and sticky things onto your partner and licking or sucking them off. Avoid chocolate body paint; it tastes horrible. But juicy fruit, yoghurt and chocolate are all yummy, especially licked off a completely shaved body. Then there’s champagne, brandy or whatever your tipple of choice might be. Feed each other. It’s incredibly erotic. Swap fluids. Let them dribble and run and follow them with your tongue into every lovely orifice. Of course you are going to make a complete mess of the sheets, but the filthier the better – this is where a primeval and messy, juicy, tasty, sexy, gorgeously base urge takes over.
And if you do wake up the next morning with chocolate all over the covers, jam in your hair and a banana in unspeakable places, you can’t complain that it was a dull night. Besides which, anyone who is more precious about his or her brushed Egyptian cotton than your complete sexual annihilation is not worth a second more of your time.
In my own experience, porn – stuff that involves scenes between consenting adults only, needless to say – is a sure-fire way to get things hot and steamy. There is a perception that porn is for men only, but that’s simply not true. Last year a study by Neilsen Netratings found that one-in-three users of porn was a woman. Having said that, not everyone shares the same taste in porn so you need to tread carefully, especially with a new or different partner.
There is a lot of junk out there. But, in addition to what you can glean from this column, there are plenty of Internet sites reviewing erotica and sites that give you thumbnail previews of what you are downloading so there are no nasty surprises. In addition, books like The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos by Violet Blue will help you find what you’re after.
I could go on and on – in fact I will. There are costumes, masks, role-playing games, whips, restraints, blindfolds, love beads, clamps, piercings, swings, swingers’ parties, twosomes, threesomes, group sex, Tantric sex, hot wax, body oils, lubes, hundreds of positions and more – all to be indulged in, experimented with and enjoyed.
So why are you still reading this column? Get up, get down and get dirty. I hope you have a really hot August.