The Twelve Lays Of Christmas

Whoop! The holiday season is almost here. Christmas is supposedly a religious festival, but let’s be honest here, for many people it’s more of an excuse to eat, drink and be merry. Not that I’m objecting. The economy is down the crapper and we have an election and months of cold weather to look forward to – any excuse to go heavy on the choccies and carbs is to be welcomed. Besides, I’m partial to a roast potato myself.

All this eating and drinking is deleterious to your health and waistline of course. Well, never let it be said that Ms Sexton disapproves of a spot of overindulgence . No, no! Excess is my middle name – or would be if Mammy Sexton hadn’t opted for the more conventional option of Marie.
Having said that, a spot of exercise wouldn’t go amiss; and this being a sex column obviously I am not going to be recommending jogging (except of the horizontal variety). Nope, in the cold weather it’s got to be sex or yoga – or, if you’re flexible, a combination of the two. There are traditionally twelve days of Christmas and since I can resist everything expect temptation and bad puns, there’s the Hot Press Guide to the Twelve Lays of Christmas – one for every day of the holiday!

1. Side Saddle Reverse Cowgirl
Difficultometer: Easy
The cowgirl position is woman sitting on top of her prone and grateful mate. The reverse cowgirl is the same, but with her facing away. This is a little trickier to achieve. However, if she parts her partner’s legs so that one knee is resting between his legs and the other outside, it is a whole lot easier to get a consistent rhythm going. Watch out for that foot though, girls – you could always rest it beneath your partner’s leg just to be sure you don’t accidentally kick him.

2. Couch Cowgirl
Difficultometer: Easy
This is another easy woman-on-top position, perfect for when you want to have sex but without too much jumping around. This is the same as the regular cowgirl position, but using a reclining chair. The angle of the seat changes the angle of entry. Simple!

3. Reverse Squat
Difficultometer: Tricky
The man lies on his back, bends his knees and brings his legs up towards his chest. The woman turns around and squats over him, resting on the back of her partner’s legs. This is a tricky position to get into and maintain – strong leg muscles are advised – but is great for deep penetration.

4. Legs over Ears
Difficultometer: Relatively easy, except on a full stomach.
This is fairly easy, at least for the ladies. The woman lies on her back and draws her legs up and back until her knees are as close to her ears as they’ll go! Granted, this isn’t the most flattering position – extra tummy rolls and all that – but it’s worth it as this position allows for deep penetration. It can be difficult for a woman to maintain this pose, but her partner can help by placing his arms in the crook of her knees and bracing his hands on the headboard or wall.

5. Deep Dip
Difficultometer: Tricky
The man kneels on the bed. His partner wraps her legs around his hips, arches her back and leans backwards, supporting herself with her arms. He should put his arms around her back for extra support. If you’re feeling the effects of too much Christmas cheer, you could cheat and use several pillows underneath the woman’s back. It’s not exactly the same, but shush – I won’t tell anyone.

6. Over the Shoulders
Difficultometer: Easy to Medium
The woman lies on her back with her legs over her partner’s shoulders. By using one of his shoulders and crossing her legs she can create a tighter feeling. This means he is able to hold her legs and control the depth and rhythm of penetration. This position can be done on the bed, with the man kneeling – the easy option – but it’s better and a bit trickier if you do it over the side of the bed so that the man is standing. Given the relative heights of the man and bed, he may need to bend his knees or you could find a higher surface, such as a sturdy kitchen table.

7. Lotus
Difficultometer: Tricky
The woman lies on her back, crosses her legs and brings them up towards her chest. Basically she needs to get into the yoga lotus position except on your back – which is no easy feat. Given this, holding this position for long can be rather trying on the old leg muscles, but is excellent for deep penetration and G-spot stimulation.

8. Carried Away
Difficultometer: Tricky for him
Ah, we ladies appreciate a man with strong, manly arm muscles – great for opening stuck jars and for impressive sexual positions. For this one, the man carries his partner by holding her under her ass while she wraps her legs around him. A small cheat is doing this up against a wall. This will take some of her load and that annoying extra winter weight. Another option is to turn her around and have her position her legs on a couch or bed. This will take some of her weight. Ideally the man should bend his knees and brace his abs.

9. Lazy Dog
Difficultometer: Easy
A very easy position for lazy girls, this one – the woman lies on her stomach with her legs closed and a pillow under her hips. Her partner kneels and straddles her hips. She opens her legs just enough to allow him to penetrate, possibly crossing them to create extra tightness. If she’s had one too many mince pies, the man should keep his torso upright, bracing a hand against the wall for balance. If not, and you feel like slow easy sex, he can lie on her back, supporting some of this weight with his arms.

10. Sideways
Difficultometer: Medium
The woman lies on her side with pillows under her hips to lift them slightly. She lifts one leg into the air and rests it on her partner’s shoulder. The other leg is stretched out and her partner kneels with his legs on both sides of it. By holding onto her, he can increase the intensity of his thrusting.

11. Counter Top Romance
Difficultometer: Variable
You need a relatively high surface for this. If your kitchen counters are wide enough they should work well. The woman sits on the counter with her bottom towards the edge – and a cushion underneath it! You can vary the position – try spread-eagled legs for deep penetration, plain old sitting up for lots of kissing or she can lean back using her arms to thrust her hips towards her partner. In most of these counter top positions, the man should be able to use his hands to give her extra clitoral stimulation.

12. Giddy Up
Difficultometer: Medium
Here is a use for an ottoman that does not involve sheer laziness. The woman sits on the ottoman with her legs spread on either side of it. The man sits behind her in the same position, holding her hips. He pulls her close, rocking his hips back and forth. To create more movement, the woman can lean further forward or raise herself slightly off the ottoman by putting some of her weight on her feet.

There you have it – twelve positions to see you through the holiday. Here’s to a merry Christmas to you and yours!